Trapped

Hello, I’m M22.

I think I was a good kid in childhood. Studied well, played sports etc. But I was always sad. I never really had friends when I was young. I lived out of city and there were no other people except for my family. I hated the woods and I always thought I missed a lot in my life. The loneliness stayed with me. Also my parent were (and still are) fighting each other, a lot of violence stays in memories. At one point I started to hate my family.

The first time I had suicidal thoughts I think I was 16 or 17. I don’t even exactly  remember how old I was or what was I thinking of but I remember the night pretty well. By then I never had more then few zips of light alcohol.  Nevertheless I went out, found some homeless guy, paid him a fortune for him to buy me a bottle of vodka. I only wanted to get enough fucked up to find courage to jump off some building to end the pain inside me. I ended up just getting sleepy with no energy left to find myself that building. I felt disappointed in the morning after realizing I wasn’t successful in my mission.

I enjoy reminding myself of the next period. I was making some good money online while still underage. I started out buying/selling virtual goods but after incorrect elimination from the market I  ended up scamming too many people for a small fortune over and over again. I didn’t feel too bad for myself since the money that I received was originally spent for entertainment. As Im writing this I realize that money didn’t had much to do with anything at the time but it certainly gave me a whole lot of energy. Surprisingly for myself I was very open I was making new friends fast. First time in my life I felt “I was someone special – for doing something no other person in the world did at the time”. But eventually it came to the end. I never told anybody about this.

My brother dies to OD in his car backseat. Wife and a son left behind.

After 12 years of school I went to uni. During second semester I found myself trapped as not being able to understand a few things ever.. So it was a usual day at uni when suddenly in middle of a lecture I decided to stop wasting my time and suffering at the same time and get the hell out of there and never step my foot in this building ever again. After that I spent 2 months in my room killing the days.

End of the summer. My house burns down.

I decide to go to school again, this time not uni. I do need to drive taxi in the weekends. I find myself in pain once again but it has nothing to do with school since it was easy. Nights after nights thinking where should I end myself. I complete the first year with good results and only half a year to go.. Just to realize that while I enjoy this certain specialism, I will stay unhappy and sad when I continue with it. I just can’t be around people anymore. I want to be sad.  I cannot fake happiness anymore. Summer vacation  is approaching. I won some money from online poker tournament first place. I almoust didn’t play at all until that win. I manage to double the money playing way too high stakes and then lose it all in one day when I was visiting my parents. I still decided to dedicate my time on poker. Left school again. Now a few months later when I believe I can beat the game in mid stakes I still have problems with tilt control and I can not control my actions some days.  Because of that I need to sell my car to pay off my debts. Broke.

These are some episodes. After all these years things don’t seem to get better. I’m numb. I don’t talk to my family anymore, I hate them for certain actions. I don’t want to stay close with my friends anymore. I have been building this barrier between them. Relationships? A lot of short ones. I never wanted to commit for obvious reasons.

I hate myself for making countless stupid decisions. Crashing cars, drink driving, riding my bike 300km/h to escape from police etc. I’m tired of being sad and unhappy and most of all regrets over regrets. Too many  ups and downs in my life. All wanted a stable life but I kept doing everything I could to make it unstable. I don’t even want to go looking for this regular stable life anymore.

The other week I went to seacoast. High enough for a jump. I went there with intention to find myself a spot for the future to jump from and I did. I never been scared of highness but that day trying to get closer to the edge to look down was scary.

But my father.. he has already lost a son and I was there to see how did this affect him. Fucking horrible.

I’m trapped in this world.  Everyday I wish I could find a power inside me to take one more step.. down the edge