I guess I should start with introductions. I am a 14 year old girl in my Sophomore year of high school. I have hardly any friends, and I wouldn’t consider my blood family, family.
Last week I found out that one of my few friends only wanted to be my friends because he wanted to be with me. He has completely ignored my existence since a mutual friend told him I didn’t want to be with him. Now he is continually posting on Instagram about ‘not being loved’ and how ‘I suck at finding love’ and almost all of the posts are directed towards me.
Now I know that I can’t help how I feel, and he can’t help how he does, but I wanted to take the time to acknowledge that one of my closest friends, one of three of my very few ‘real’ friends, was only being my friend in the off-chance that I would date him. I feel like that is extremely shallow.
He gave me the false perception that we were close, and we were close, but the second he knew for sure that I didn’t like him in the same way, he completely cut me out of his life, going so far as to full on ignore me when I go out of my way to say hello.
The worst part is, this isn’t the first time he’s done it. It is to me, but apparently he is notorious for doing this to girls. I didn’t know until now, but he has done this to almost every girl he has ever actually gotten close to. They tell me though, that he has never gone so far as to completely ignoring any of them, so my question is, am I nothing?
I surely feel like nothing.
My entire life, all craved was to be wanted. Not in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, but in a friendship way. My entire life, all I wanted was friends. So finding out that this friendship wasn’t real, adding to a long list of other friendships that weren’t real, make me feel like complete shit.
It makes me feel unwanted. It makes me feel un-needed. It makes me feel like I’m not meant to be on this planet. I can’t find my purpose, because I can’t find anywhere that I fit in to stay long enough to find out what I’m good at. I can’t help people, because everybody is better than me at everything. I can’t function like a proper human being. I can’t do basic teenage things, such as making friends, getting good grades, ect. I can’t do basic human things like breathing (asthma), walking (clumsy af) ect. I can’t even get along with a single person in my family. According to my mom, I am the most useless child of the three (not an exact quote, but the basic gist of her somewhat coherent screaming at me earlier today) I just can’t do things. Feeling this way makes me feel useless, and I hate it.
I hate this feeling. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate having to live on this planet that is clearly so wrong for me. And I surely hate how I’m stuck here.
My fear of blood and death make me not be able to commit suicide, despite the fact that I have planned it many times. But to be honest, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be here. I want to run off to the forest and not be an active member of society. I want to get stranded on a secluded island where I have no responsibilities. But then I’ll have to fend for myself. Then I’ll have to provide my own food. Then I’ll have to obtain my own entertainment. But I know I’m not cut out for that. So I don’t. I don’t run off, because I can’t. I don’t kill myself, because I can’t. I don’t escape from this horrible life, because I can’t.
I can’t find an escape from this torture that is constantly following me. If I’m not being physically or verbally tortured by others, I’m mentally torturing myself. Scrutinizing every little detail that there is to see. My imperfect face, my oddly large calves (from running), my boobs (or lack thereof). The way that I’m shorter than every girl (but two), but despite my ‘slim’ figure I weigh more than them. The way that I can never medal in a race, because I’m slow. The way that I can’t express my feelings to people that can help me. The way that I can never eat, despite the fact that I’m always hungry. All these little imperfections about myself that prove that I’m human make me hate myself more. Because, honestly, I don’t want to be human. I don’t want to be anything. But I still want to exist. I still want the friends I have, even if they are few and far between. I still crave the approval of my family and peers, even if they won’t give me a second glance.
I crave all of that stuff, but at the same time, I hate it. I need to escape it. I need to be left alone, without school, or work, or practice. I need to be left in solitude to cry my eyes out, which even though usually leads to me feeling worse, is one of the few ways know how to cope.
I don’t know where this rant was going, and I don’t even know if anybody will take the time to read this, but thank you if you have. Thank you for caring. Thank you for listening to the problems of teenage girl who doesn’t know how to be a teenager. Thank you.
10 comments
I took the time to read it. At your age, you still have plenty of things to look forward too, but feeling bad because some idiot doesn’t like that you don’t want to get with him is not one of them (i’m referring to him like that because he’s done it before). If he’s ignoring you completely it’s not because you’re nothing tho… if i had to guess he’s just tired of getting rejected, or he got more invested in you than in the other girls. Again, if he’s done it before, not your fault.
Making real friends is difficult tho, and you’re lucky that at least you have a couple. As you get older you realize that the norm is having lots of acquaintances and just a few friends (or even, none). I’m past 30, treat people politely, at times i go out of my way to help, i don’t offend people, i shower every day (lol), and i can honestly say that i don’t have any friends at all (other than my grandmother, but that’s different). I’m sure many here would tell you something similar.
One thing to keep in mind is that people will tell you just about anything in a given situation (even if it’s not true), but if you want you can still turn things around if you do feel useless, for example you could do stuff for your family to avoid feeling like that around them. I do wish you luck, and don’t punish yourself over someone that’s not worth it.
Ah ha! You stumbled upon the secret. No teenager knows how to be a teenager. Being a teenager means winging it and making it up as you go along.
Friendships are a dance to be learned just like love and knowing which foods served in the cafeteria will make you vomit. Sometimes you get things right, sometimes you throw up, sometimes both.
And, hey! Helping doesn’t require you to be “better,” you just have to show up. Try showing up where helpful people are needed: class tutoring, natural disasters, Donald Trump campaign rallies, street corners with a bunch of non-prostitute old ladies, etc.
It pisses me off when I see posts like this… because a lot of the time I felt like I was misunderstood..
honestly, if I was surrounded by a lot of my online friends on a day to day, I would never have slipped when I did (not that I don’t appreciate the friends I’ve had over the years or anything like that) but honestly, I would’ve felt truly at peace had I met some of you people earlier on in my life….
“My fear of blood and death make me not be able to commit suicide, despite the fact that I have planned it many times. But to be honest, I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be here. I want to run off to the forest and not be an active member of society. I want to get stranded on a secluded island where I have no responsibilities. But then I’ll have to fend for myself. Then I’ll have to provide my own food. Then I’ll have to obtain my own entertainment. But I know I’m not cut out for that. So I don’t. I don’t run off, because I can’t. I don’t kill myself, because I can’t. I don’t escape from this horrible life, because I can’t.”
Have you been readin my mind? I’ve been feeling that intensely for the past year or so….
You describing your physical feautures… You are surely a beautiful person, but a lot of teen life is transition. (You are metamorphosing into a beautiful butterfly! Think of it like that.)
Teen life is tough, and when you are a teen, recognized by law to be an adult (18,19) it can get even tougher, but you have to understand that it’s pretty much a learn as you go type of thing. Don’t get too discouraged, you still have a lot of time to figure things out.
Thanks for posting. I hope I’ve helped in some way…
Edit: I was suicidal once, I just never planned to kill myself in a traditional way…
You write well for a 14 year old and I am willing to be that you are pretty smart too. Sometimes High School can be very difficult. One of my years was, but I made it through. Do good in your classes then go on to college. You will like college much more than High School–I did. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. People are not always nice to each other ( even though they should be). Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best that you can.
Best of luck to you!!
Guys don’t usually keep female friends-at least in my experience, unless they’re gay. Most guys will become your friend in hopes of eventually dating you. I used to have female friends but they really were never any use to me. Plus whenever we hung out people thought we were dating, which pissed me off.
I’m sure you can find guys who only want your friendship but you’ll have to vet them thoroughly. As for the other problems you mentioned, the fact that guys take an interest in you means you’re attractive and have very worthwhile qualities. I don’t know why you’d diminish yourself and only count your self-worth based on your value as a friend to others. I think that’s a given when you are a friend.
Yes unfortunately living in cities we are very dependent on other humans for our survival/existence. Which means we need to find ways to get along with them. Living on your own in the wild is extremely difficult. So it’s best to just surround yourself with people you care about who care about you and to try to create a life of happiness.
As much as possible try to get rid of the people who are toxic to you-who just try to tear you down for their own amusement. I realize you’re stuck with your family but if any of the members are decent people then you’ll find they’ll become an asset for you when you grow older.
Forgot to mention in my initial point, you really shouldn’t hold it against the guy for trying to be your friend in order to date you. I mean what else did you expect him to do? Come right out and say it on day one? Most girls won’t be like “ya ok let’s go out.” Women are cautious and want to get to know you first-so he was playing it by the book.
I do feel sorry for him that he’s posting about his failure in dating, probably not a good idea-but I guess he’s in some pain. I’d say at the very least you could suggest to him that he not advertise he’s a loner/loser, it’ll just turn off other girls, then try his luck with someone else.
My love, no one knows how to be a teenager. It seems to be that becoming a teen means you have to be a certain type of person; however, the only type of person you need to be is yourself. I remember me at that age…
I thought I was a nobody,
friends were hard to come by.
Boy were they hard to come by. And guys? Pffft- that was a no way Jose.
Please don’t think of yourself as a screw-up, or a nobody, because you are not. You are you (besides, being weird is waaaay cooler than being normal 🙂 And I don’t think you should dissappear to some solitary, foreign place. I think you need to find people who will love and support you for who you are, and if you are looking for that support, you have come to the right place. We are all here for you, love 🙂 Please speak out whenever you need someone to talk to.
U seem pretty cool… I’ll just leave you with that…
I’m really sorry you feel that way, it sounds incredibly painful. I love your writing.