Welp. I’ll be 20 on November 6th. I came to this site to talk about. I don’t know. My feelings and shit I guess. To get a different perspective, that’s what I told myself. I honestly just wanted attention. My plans haven’t changed. Actually, when I had friends and someone who “loved” me, I used to say that I wanted to die. I meant it, but I knew I’d never do it. I should’ve never told them because they got tired of hearing me say that. They got tired of me.
Now there is no one. I’m empty. I feel nothing except when I think of that one person. I only feel something, I’m only happy when I think of him. I can’t eat anymore. My free time is spent sleeping because I don’t want to be awake. I’m tired of reality and when I’m sleeping I can re-live happy memories. I can fix things that went wrong. I can do things now, things that I regret not doing in reality.
I tried to quit my job, but my “friend” and coworker told my boss about things I’ve said about being depressed. Hes basically doing everything he can to seem accomodating. To make me stay.
I’ve already decided on what to do. I’m going to write a will, I just need to find a witness to sign it. I’ll visit that person, to drop off his things and say goodbye. I just have to make it to January. Its after Thanksgiving and christmas, and my brother’s birthday. By that time, I should have enough money saved so that I can just take a plane somewhere and dissappear. From there, just have fun for a few days, wherever I end up, make sure I didn’t bring enough of my medicine and. That’s it.
I was scared before, and upset. I wanted to end things to make a point. I was afraid of dying. Afraid of pain and afraid of what people would think of me afterwards. I don’t know why, but within the last few days I started to think about doing this. And I feel calm. Relieved is more accurate. Like, this is what I should’ve done a long time ago.
I read the comments on my last post. I don’t remember names, but someone mentioned that not so long ago, people who were suicidal, or really anyone with mental problems used to be locked up in a dark room. I think that was because doctors didn’t know how to help them, so they had them put away. Because things that can’t be fixed are sad to look at.
I used to have a different way of thinking. Everytime something bad happened, I would tell myself to not worry about it and that there’s too many things in life that I haven’t experienced. Too many things to look forward to, so I shouldn’t worry about bad things happening now. I was happy, I was distracted and happy.
Then I found someone that I cared about. Someone that I’d do anything for. And without realizing it, I let go of everything else. It wasn’t that I didn’t care about other things anymore, it was more like having him in my life suddenly made those things fade into the background. I still functioned the same, but instead of just distracting myself with life, I was actually happy.
Then I ruined it. I made one too many complaints. I don’t know why I complained at all, I wanted things to be perfect. It didn’t matter that I was happy. It didn’t matter because things weren’t EXACTLY like I wanted them.
If only I hadnt said anything. There was no reason to. I just got greedy.
I caused all of this. That’s probably why I’m so relieved. If I live for much longer, I’ll only sabotage what’s left of my life. If I end it soon, I’ll end my suffering and everyone else’s too.
If when we die, all we have are our memories, I’ll be fine. I’ve already had all the happiness I deserve
4 comments
Very nice – the way you express yourself. I’m glad you are going to stick around a little longer. Who knows? This reminds me of a story:
Nasrudin was caught in the act and sentenced to die. Hauled up before the king, he was asked by the Royal Presence: “Is there any reason at all why I shouldn’t have your head off right now?” To which he replied: “Oh, King, know that I, the mullah Nasrudin, am the greatest teacher in your kingdom, and it would surely be a waste to kill such a great teacher. So skilled am I that I could even teach your favorite horse to sing, given a year to work on it.” The king was amused, and said: “Very well then, you move into the stable immediately, and if the horse isn’t singing a year from now, you shall die.”
As he was returning to his cell to pick up his spare rags, his cellmate said: “Now that was really stupid. You know you can’t teach that horse to sing, no matter how long you try.”
Nasrudin’s response: “Not at all. I have a year now that I didn’t have before. And a lot of things can happen in a year. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die.
“And, who knows? Maybe the horse will learn to sing.”
I noticed that to be ‘happy’ in life we all have a little bubble we live in, which consists of friends/family and either school or work. It’s a bubble that sustains us or breaks us and it’s very difficult to live outside that bubble alone.
You have hindsight-believe it or not some people actually never learn from their past mistakes so they keep making them over and over. In your case I’d suggest trying to mend fences if you can. Because you’re still very young, you have a chance of building a new life, making new friends, which you can do through school/university or perhaps at work.
You made mistakes with your last bf, just don’t repeat them with the next. I’d give anything to go back to being 20 and re-live my life with the knowledge I have now. I’d be a million times happier if I could.
I know how it is once negative thinking takes over-then it colors your entire worldview, you become pessimistic and it turns other people off. However reality is what we make it-there were days I was convinced that my life really sucked and I should end it. But the next day something good would happen and then I’d change my perspective. For instance, if you read my post earlier, I was complaining about being alone/single, but there is a cute girl at work who seems interested, she’s not exactly the usual type I go for but it’s better than nothing.
Hopefully things will improve for you also before you decide to proceed.
By ‘proceed’ I meant with ending your life.
Yeah, me too. Till I get a job and save money and go drown somewhere. While listening to this song : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1_YuQ77bT4