I move from time to time from different feelings and emotions. Today I am having another bad day.
I cannot kill myself because I made a promise that I will no hurt me. Because if I do it I will condemn the people I love to pain. Because there is not a method that is not painful. Because trying could bring more pain and no even the death.
I do not want to continue living, life does not make to much sense for me. There are really no difference. Because no matter what this pain will never go away. I do not know how to explain the way I am feeling. I do not know what I have done to deserve so much pain either. Nothing have been left intact on me. I am sad, terrible sad. I keep trying to overcome my sadness, to focus in the important things without success.
No idea what to do, I keep writing here, because at least I stop for a while the cycle of self destruction.
I truly need help…
9 comments
help might not just come to you, venture and seek help, tell a doctor that is what they are for, go for it don’t wait for it to c0me to you actually everything is up to you, hope you understand
I have trusted my doctors with all my heart, even in moments that I do not have a single motive to believe in them.
I know they will no come to my house and help me with this pain, no one will do that. In some days I will have another doctor appointment, another day more….
Everything is up to me? No, I do not understand. It is not fair.
Rainy day please keep writing. I read all your posts and I hope posting takes some measure of pain from you.
Hi Hazy,
Thanks for being there for me again. Yes, when I write, my mind distract a little from the world. I haven been able to control my crying spells and the obsessions of looking over and over again the same topics. Re-reding my diary. And also I stop trying to find meaning at all the things that I cannot explain.
There are things that have been good, but the bad are to overwhelming. I am like a death body and soul, nothing is alive in me. Nothing that I can say, yes, things will get better, the pain was worthy. At least, that is the way I see things from time to time. Maybe I am wrong. But deep in side I know that I am not.
I keep doing all the things possible to forget and forgive.
Just you trying make me smile. Thank you for the smile.
I do not understand…Do you really think I am trying to make you smile? I wish I could make others life happy and perfect and full of smiles. Because we all deserve that.
You had stated you keep doing all the things possible to forget and forgive. I do that a lot, so it made me smile. No hidden meaning. Just a simple smile.
I’m sorry you’re having such a bad day. You don’t deserve any of that pain. I truly hope you find the help you need soon. Meanwhile, please keep writing. 🙂
The effort you’re putting into living, to trying to overcome this and to look for help is admirable. I wish you all the best.
Thanks Trix.
I want to overcome all, that’s what I truly want. But part of me, do not let me. My mind is like crazy. I have millions of thoughts, contradictions, mix feelings. Fantasies living with me.