i have always had an issue with following through on things…i dont know if it is me or if i developed it as a bad habit from growing up in a different place every year for 10+ years. either way, i am finally going to commit to taking my own life.
the thought of suicide has brought me comfort and relief over the past few years, but this year i have been researching and planning it whenever the classic bullsh*t in my life resurfaces.
i.e bipolar alcoholic self absorbed mum and her abusive peado husband. and all they have tortured me with since early childhood. selfish older brother who always left me to experience and pick up the dysfunctional “family” abuse. no other family as i was kept away from them since they are all mentally ill aswell. no friends since i was so used to moving every year so less. serious derealization, depersonalisation and borderline tendencies probably because of my upbringing. no future since i also dropped out of college three times anf quite basically feel disconnected from everything in life.
but anyway, my parents have been pushing me back over the edge just as i finally got a job and started to be open to connecting with people. ohwell, it wasnt really me anyway.
so i have a plan. i am going to my favourite place (a sentamental connection to my traumatic childhood – how ironic) and i am going there with my mums very strong meds – that i have already experimented with this year. i am leaving tomorrow, just as i would to go to work, as to not let anyone catch on. instead of work i will be on my way to the location. i will have 3 days booked and i will see what happens. i dont feel anything at the moment, but on my journey up i will be mentally torturing myself as to make sure i go through with it all.
an amusing side note; i turned 19 five days ago and ever since i was a child i always knew i wouldnt last to age 20. i knew 19 was the end of the road. at least i am following through for once.
glad to be on this site and document the next 72 hours i have.
30 comments
Your favorite place which is a sentimental connection to your traumatic childhood…. please describe this favorite place. Not the actual location, but the sense of what makes this place so special to you.
it has a constant rush of all sorts of people from all around the world…you can witness the lives of so many. the greetings and partings of loved ones that i never experienced first hand. its a place that is symbolic of freedom and adventure and escaping…its a place i passed through so much growing up, and a place i never wanted to leave, because i was comforted by being surrounded by all the world, and their witnessing eyes meant if anything happened, someone else could see the pain i felt.
im sorry if im not making sense or being too vague…it just brings so many emotions back to me *tears*
Wow! I instantly got a sense of how this place provides comfort to you and some optimism too. Do I understand that accurately?
And this comment “their witnessing eyes meant if anything happened, someone else could see the pain i felt “… I wonder did this give you a sense of hope? Or despair?
In my world, it seems that “witnessing eyes” don’t really notice much at all. It’s so sad that our pain is not recognized by most in this hustle bustle world.
Traditionally people wait until thier parents are too old to run away and then payback the abuse.
Did your brother really leave you or was he trying to save his own skin?
Pease.
Porridge, hot
my brother was trying to move on for his own sanity…but he realised he was leaving me and he never made me feel i could go to him for help…i guess thats how the world made him and this is how it made me.
Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if he, too, had his own exit plan.
When you have out of control parents you stop looking at them as people and they become like diseases or natural disasters. The only thing you can do is try to protect yourself and try to get away. I’m sorry that you feel like you have to take your own life but I completely understand it.
you’re right…i didnt really realise the place i go to take my life is the same place that makes me not want to. the witnesses gave me hope back then, because i was a kid with a sad face and they Saw it when my family just ignored it. i guess it gives me hope still now, because i deeply hope one who eyes those witnessing eyes would be concerned enough to ask me whats wrong…but i agree with you, in the real world they just look on…but i always wish that one set would double look, and ask…
thankyou for commenting, i havent ever discussed this.
@wolfanasan: This accounting is so very lovely. I’d like to hear more about the place where the place that gave you comfort. I too have places like that. In my mind I go there, but no one ever bears witness. I’m alone and hoping someone bears witness.
In my mind I imagine your place to be a busy seaport. I don’t know why. Maybe because the ocean is such a comfort to me especially when I am really low.
Tell me about your place.
i tagged you with an @ in my long reply, sorry! i dont know whether it notifies you only if i recomment in your comment or if i tag you??
No. WordPress isn’t that smart.
I hope you feel some benefit in discussing this here. Peculiarly, it seems that mere strangers on the internet can provide more care and compassion than family or friends.
What a confusing dilemma in our world – witnesses (strangers) often notice a sad child but rarely notice a sad adult. Or, if they do notice a sad adult, they don’t know how to approach a sad adult and don’t even try. I think many people are scared of their own pain, discomfort, misery and sadness. They steer clear of others who exhibit these traits (IF they even notice).
I imagine you felt unloved when your family ignored your sadness. I understand you moved a lot, but did you EVER have ANYONE who seemed to care about you?
no…I was always told never to trust anyone besides my parents and my mum always told me about the horrible things she experienced throughout her life, so i was always so detached/on guard from others and couldnt connect with anyone. for awhile i told myself i didnt need anyone, but i guess i do. i met my mums family when i was a child and they are also all messed up with drugs and mental problems, so i dont have anyone really?
@wolf says every abusive crazy parent on the planet. It is a way to isolate and control family members.
hope one who owns those witnessing eyes*
In your writings, I see a mix of hope and despair; and these profound words: “I guess it gives me hope still now, because I deeply hope one who owns those witnessing eyes would be concerned enough to ask me what’s wrong”.
You have such a kind way of expressing your desire for a more caring society. And if just ONE person would notice your pain, that would seem to pave the way for you to have more hope.
If I was choosing my last day of life to be in a few days, I would do an experiment. I’ve actually done a similar experiment without having a ‘last day’ planned. I have considerable sadness/ anger/ hostility/ disappointment and simply want to put my life on rapid fast-forward.
In your situation … if it’s possible to go to your favorite place today and enjoy all of the wonders there. Cherish the symbolism of freedom and adventure and escaping. Watch the greetings and partings of loved ones that you like to observe. Notice if there is someone alone who perhaps may also be sad. Approach this person and inquire about their life. And that person might ask about your life. This could totally backfire, or it could be a rewarding experience. What’s to lose?
i keep reading your comment and trying to imprint it in my mind because it brings me peace to think i could have it as an experiment and meet someone in my favourite place who i can speak to…i would be so grateful to meet someone and for them to talk to me about their feelings and maybe i could help them…in my life i was taught to bottle my feelings and drown in them. but i feel comfort when someone opens up to me? i also replied to your comment in my ling reply at the bottom! sorry i dont know if you know when you have been tagged on this site?
Hey wolfanasan. How are you feeling right now? Just want to let you know that you aren’t alone with how you feel. I think most or a significant amount of people here feel like they wouldn’t live to specific age since they were young. For me, it was 30. But guess what, I’m turning 32 in 29 days. Hehe. I’m actually also seriously thinking of ending everything before my birthday. If my case is any proof, there really is no true limit to our lives than what we perceive. What you say echoes to the self-defeatist and self-sabotaging part of my mind. As easy as you say that you haven’t followed through with anything relevant, you can easily also say, “the next thing you’ll do will be more relevant, and to that, I will follow through.” And that is what I feel from your post. You now say that your plan to commit suicide will be the one that counts and the one you will follow through. I think, if we put the same focus on “normal” goals, we’ll also feel and follow through the same way like “normal” people. Can you describe the place you plan to do it? Your favorite place? I believe suicide is a very poetic act. And there is beauty in it for those that truly appreciate and understand it.
Oh. I just read the other comments above and one of them shows your description of your favorite place. Am I right to interpret your suicide as a final portrayal of your pain to the world? Please feel free to correct and/or enlighten me.
you go it right there…silly isnt it, since the world will move on with my pain going unnoticed. and so it should, because i feel so self centred to think that the world should care about me – someone so weak as to take my own life.
im sorry i am still getting used to this website. i replied to this in my long reply at the bottom. do you get notified if i put @ in my reply?
“My mom pretty strong pills”… think it over first. Not a good thing to try if you ask me, there’s more chances that you’ll end up worse than now than ending up dead. I do have to point out… you mention you have no future, but still were able to get a job (and keep it from the looks of it) so my guess is that you’re at least somewhat smart to make it through (if you really wanted to).
Considering your age, you’re not too far away from being able to leave your house (if you put your mind to it), which seems to be the source of your issues (bipolar alcoholic mom + pedo stepdad). Most likely that’s what your brother thought and just took the way out while he could, maybe he could somewhat help you? some people don’t really offer their help, but when asked they don’t deny it either. I do know the decision is yours, but i had to at least say these things. Whatever you end up doing, i hope you find some relief from all your issues (in any way you decide is the best).
I have been re-reading these replies all night but felt so ashamed at my post that I couldnt bring myself to reply. I wish i could stop wining and have the strength to do something other than plan my own death. last night (I am on UK time) things kicked off again i.e he turned abusive and i ran in to see if my mum was okay but they both just told me its not my business. even though it has scarred me for so long. today i didnt go into work and mum told my boss it was because of a family emergency, then told me i best just say my nan (i dont have a nan) died, and that she is going to get me sectioned because i keep leaving things (i.e dropping out of college/not returning back to jobs) and that theres something wrong with me, esp because i wasnt saying anything while she slated me…i dont even want to go to that place i mentioned anymore..i feel like its tainted now she has threatened to call the mental health people on me. if i dont go to work and resume life tomorrow, she will get me hospitalised…i dont know if i want that..i feel like i am really detached and my brain is hazy and all i want is the strength to get away from them but not by killing myself :'(
@Mf you are right, i know it is them but i have always been so pathetic that i continue to live here and pity myself and i just feel trapped that if i leave my mum will have no one to defend her from the abuse.
@Hance_Soelow I like that idea of commiting to normal goals…i think i could be stable enough to get through life if i just had someone to turn to to escape here. i have never really been a fighter, i just give up straight away…how have you got yourself to where you are despite also having an age to die? please do not do it, you have given me hope. do you ever find yourself so used to contemplating suicide that it just becomes a part of life?
@StayOrGo I would like that. maybe when im there my head will clear and I’ll find the will to live. but then i think i would remember how i now have no job and no home and no money and that would make me feel obliged to follow through on death. what you said about approaching someone who is also silently suffering, that has been a reason i havent done it in the past…because even though i cant find reasons for myself, i feel like i could for others…i dont want others to feel the way i feel. i think we are all probably like that on here.
can anyone suggest to me what i can do? i literally do not have anyone or enough money to just leave this hell that is causing my plans of suicide. i dont know whether i should admit myself to hospital because my head is all over the place and at any minute i could chuck the pills in my mouth automatically. @HazyDayFlower are your places where you visit in your head, what gets you through? i always feel wrong for doing so because i get addicted to escapism…how does it work for you?
@wolf sometimes in my head sometimes physical places. What is wrong with escapism if it keeps me sane and alive?
i focus more on escapism and less on reality, which leads to me feeling unaccomplished and unfulfilled…do you not get that? how do you find the balance?
I don’t, not well at least.
Hence the suicide site.
Hey wolfanasan. I’m having a hard time answering your question on how I keep on going. Hehe. In my case, hope has no pattern. It can fluctuate, increase/decrease exponentially, taper off, and gradually decrease. Due to this, I don’t depend on hope these days. I’ve disappointed myself too many times and I’ve sabotaged a lot of opportunities for myself already. Through this all, I have been given hope, and just as much, have been left hopeless by friends, girlfriends, and family.
I think, I stress “I think (hehe)”, I’ve gotten through 2 more years of not completing it due to 2 reasons. One is due to our body’s instinct of self-preservation. Two of my suicide attempts were stopped because I was afraid of the pain of a gunshot wound in the head and of jumping off from a pole. In separate instances, I had a gun and I was already on top of the pole. The next 2 attempts were completed but I didn’t die. Instead, I was sent to a mental health facility by my family.
The second reason, which I think is more important between the two, is how I treated myself to rewards and gifts every so often. When I feel down, I try to treat myself to good food even if I’m alone. When I feel happy, I also treat myself to good food. Hehe. This can range from favorite fast foods to huge pizzas. Yum-yum. For no specific reason, I buy myself basketball shoes even if I still have a lot. I kinda am into shoes. When you learn to take care of yourself as a you would care for your own child, you’ll be able to get by day after day. 🙂
On your last question, I haven’t gotten used to planning my suicides as though it was a normal part of life. Leaving this world is a heavy task for me and for my loved ones. My first 3 attempts were executed more on impulse. I was hurting then so much that death seemed to be the only answer. My last attempt was more of an “emergency button”. I kept and hid a brass polisher in my room. I consciously kept it there just in case everything goes wrong. It happened and so I drank metal polish. But then, I’m still here.
In my opinion, I would advice against going into a mental health facility. It’s a very traumatic experience if its your first time. Instead, I suggest you consult first with a psychiatrist in a one-on-one session. Tell him/her everything. Don’t overemphasize your suicidal thoughts but mention it. If you feel you can trust the therapist/psychiatrist, then visit him/her regularly. If not, keep looking for one. Therapists/Psychiatrists may not help with your overall relationship with your mom and her husband, but they will definitely help with how you handle and deal with your mom and her husband. They will help with mental imbalances if you need it and they will help you perceive properly what is happening in your house.
I also don’t think its possible to effectively escape our depression or agonies. I think its best we deal with it as much as we can and press our “emergency/panic button” when its just too much.
wow, i never thought of it like that. its weird that since being esp suicidal this year, i have wished i could have a child to look after. maybe its a subconscious selfish thing related to having a family member who actually loves me (how pathetic i know), or something else that i dont quite understand. either way, i like that idea of learning to take care of oneself.
i think its time to consult a psychiatrist, your description of how it may help isnt as damning as i imagined it to be. thankyou infinity Hance_Soelow – you really are bringing things into perspective for me..
@wolfanasan, good to know I’m of help to you :). By consulting with psychiatrists outside of a mental health facility, you’ll be in control of your life more. If you consult a psychiatrist while inside, you’ll be at their mercy and they will be the one that will determine if you can leave or not. Well, that’s the way it works here in my country. Don’t know how it is there in the UK.
Treating yourself as you would treat your own child isn’t only limited to rewards, gifts, or occasional food binges. It’s also how you would treat your own child when she is hurting, when she is in pain. I suggest you start treating yourself like your own child when you’re sad and you feel depressed. An example of this is by doing something you find fun whenever you’re down. For me, it is playing basketball and talking to friends about humorous things.