So I’ve known for many years that something is fundamentally wrong with me. For the longest time I felt like it was just major depression. I thought maybe it just stemmed from my childhood, and the abuse I went through growing up. I also felt like it could be hormone imbalance as I have an under active thyroid and have to take steroids and hormones to make up for the lack there of. So I thought, maybe it has something to do with one or both. However I have sought help, and after about 6 months of feeling more like a number and less like a person, I gave up. Looking back it wasn’t the best decision. I’ve attempted to take my life twice since. Once was a serious planned attempt, the other attempt was done shortly after losing someone close to me. It was serious in the account that I would have died sure enough, but it wasn’t something I thought about, I was just in a really bad place after losing one of the last people I I loved and who I felt loved me.
It wasn’t until this weekend reading articles online when I came across something that stopped me dead in my tracks. It was an article on Border Personality Disorder. As I read the synopsis and run down of the signs and symptoms of BPD, I quickly found myself mentally checking off each of the characteristics. And one by one, I found myself identifying with this disorder. It resonated with me, and I found myself coming to the terms that this had me pegged. And for the first time in my life, I felt like, yes, I’m not crazy. Okay, yes I am..just not crazy for believing I couldn’t explain why I was so damn emotional all the time, and why my mood swings were so rapid and intense. Why I cry after spending time with family and close friends. Why I’ve always felt a little paranoid. Why I struggle with my identity and how others view me and how I see them based on how I think they feel and see me. It all made sense.
And it’s been perplexing me ever since. I mean it’s great that I can say okay, this is it. This is what I’m dealing with. However I’m left with as many questions as I had before. Why is this happening? How do I treat it? If I talk to people about this, how will they respond? Where do I go from here? IF I have this BPD, does that explain depression and feeling suicidal? Does it explain the crying spells, the anger, rage and feelings of emptiness? Is there treatment? Will treatment help my intense emotional/mood swings. Is this why I always push people away and have such intense relationships that don’t last? Is that why I hate myself more than anyone who has ever caused me heartache. Is this why I keep it all in?
I decided to visit my mom today. I have a fairly good relationship with her. She’s great. I can generally talk to her about anything. I was a little hesitant to talk to her on the subject of mental illness or depression. As my brother is bipolar with manic episodes I believe. So he acts out, and everyone in the family has seen it, so it’s obvious. And I was hesitant to mention it based on my brother and I felt like the conversation would get dominated talking about him and his condition etc. However I finally mentioned to my mom about seeking some help with depression. I started it off just talking about that before I sprung BPD on her. Of course the first thing she says is, ‘I thought everything was going well with you, I know your brother has problems with depression and everything. I didn’t think you did?’
So after a few minutes talking about my brother, I told her about reading the article on BPD and I truly feel that’s what I have. Her response wasn’t what I expected, but typical of a parent who doesn’t want to think something could be wrong with their son. ”No, you don’t have that…” – You’re hormones are just out of whack or something. You don’t have BPD, no way. Mom, I’m telling you I even took a test and tested very high for the likelihood that I may suffer from this. ”No, you just spend to much time alone” or ”You’re just stressed, you’re just so busy with work and you’re tired. Mom, yes I am very busy with work, but this is nothing new. I’ve been struggling for a while now. ”Well you don’t ever show it, I mean blah blah blah” and she just kept riding the denial train the entire conversation. And maybe as a parent, you don’t want to acknowledge it because you feel guilty? I mean I sat there and told her everything short of feeling suicidal.
I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at my mothers response. I don’t want to put a bad light on my mom. She’s the sweetest mom I could ask for. I’ve always had friends jealous of just how awesome my mom is. She’s great. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want to see it in me? Maybe these things take time for parents to come to terms with. Just because I don’t act out like my brother who shows his ass every time he’s not happy, doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. I’m a quiet laid back person, I keep everything in. I rarely express my inward mangled train wreck that is me.
Where do I go from here? Thanks for listening to my story, sorry it’s so long. :/
4 comments
From there? if you really want to make sure you have bpd go to a therapist that can assist you (maybe 2, so you have a more conclusive answer). It doesn’t matter how many tests you take, they are all highly subjective, same with the labels attached to mental illnesses. The fact that you fit in a criteria doesn’t mean you are part of it, but maybe if you got your answer you could present something a bit more solid to your mom (other than educated guesses).
As for how she reacted… well, it’s only natural she’d deny it. Keep in mind, she already deals with a son having bipolar, and it’s likely that she even blames herself about it. Knowing that another son has bpd must be pretty difficult for her, and since you said “i took these online tests”… well, “not a professional diagnosis” might have been the first thought in her mind.
I don’t have bpd so maybe someone else will chime in regarding treatment, but yeah, the first step is looking for a diagnose. I wish you luck with that, i do hope you find some relief from your symptoms.
@aflicted: I agree with Mf, you can’t diagnose yourself, especially if you have a thyroid disorder. A wacky thyroid and steroids can both cause mood disorders. Your doctors are being responsible doctors by going with physical before psychological. A lot of times it is the other way around.
So first up: make sure your thyroid hormone levels are correct. Second up: if they are correct then look into the steroid you are taking. Some long term steroid use can cause delusions and paranoia. Last up: see a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist. Make sure they know your thyroid isn’t working and you take steroids as well.
I’m not a doctor but my thyroid doesn’t work at all. If I skip my synthroid I feel like I want to chew nails. The thyroid is a very important organ.
also your mood swings sound more like bi polar disorder than borderline. Borderline is a little more subtle I think. Still more doctors are needed for this. You can point them in the direction but you can’t diagnose yourself. Not really, you are too close to the problem.
But that is just my amateur opinion. someone here may have a different opinion.
Thanks guys for your logical and sensible input. You’re both right, I need to discuss this further before assuming anything. You guys/gals are great! =)
Hi AfflictedSmile, I have been diagnosed with BPD. I suggest you take a complete psychological test from a psychiatrist/psychologist. It takes a battery of tests to be sure if you have BPD. BPD is a serious mental illness and the sooner you can confirm you have it or not, the better it will be for you and for your loved ones.
If you do have it, I can attest that BPD’s symptoms can be decreased in severity. You will definitely need regular psychotherapy from a psychiatrist/psychologist. I also suggest visiting a psychiatrist to see if you can take maintenance medications, i.e. SSRIs, mood stabilizers, and small doses of anti-psychotics, to help in your treatment. I take all 3 btw. And so far, so good. Its been 2 years into my treatment and I can truly say that I’m a better person now compared with before. I deal better with people, especially those I love and those that love me. Sadly, my self-destructive nature for the past 2 years have made my present life circumstances really bad. But, who knows, it might get better.
So first step is have your consultation and get a psych test. I hope you don’t have BPD, but if you do, its symptoms can be addressed.