It’s so tiring. I cant go a day without thinking about her. Her responses is affecting my mood all the time, even my happiness. Now she’s mad at me. Or I at least think so? I don’t know what to do. One thing I know is that I’m so such a bad friend and I really don’t deserve friends. I wont even let my favorite person have other friends, and I know it sounds so stupid and toxic but I can’t help it. I wish I could stop being an insecure person and just tolerate her having other friends! Even though her other friends are […]
Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm […]
“Nobody will love you, until you love yourself”
That is such, such a scary thought.
If I can’t love myself, if I physically, literally can’t, then what’s my point? Companionship is at the base of a human’s needs, so what happens when we don’t have it? I know for me, it kills you the same way a lack of food will. It will be the same thoughts running through your head; you know the position you are in, but you can’t do anything. You won’t do anything. You know what will happen if you don’t, yet there […]
Do I get up and disappear while she lays beside me, sleeping beautifully? Even if she did no wrong I can’t force myself to believe she hasn’t, If I disappear maybe she’ll find someone better and worthy. I was always told anything said or thought after 2AM should be ignored but it seems to be my wisest moments. I don’t know how or why I think this way, I wish I didn’t. I wish I was ‘normal’… I used to say consistency is key in my previous relationships but it seems the only thing consistent in my life is sadness, suicidal thoughts and total destruction […]
So I’ve known for many years that something is fundamentally wrong with me. For the longest time I felt like it was just major depression. I thought maybe it just stemmed from my childhood, and the abuse I went through growing up. I also felt like it could be hormone imbalance as I have an under active thyroid and have to take steroids and hormones to make up for the lack there of. So I thought, maybe it has something to do with one or both. However I have sought help, and after about 6 months of feeling more like a number and less like […]
I feel so pathetic for getting to the point where I have to write on forums about my problems because I’m so absolutely terrified to tell anyone close to me. I’ve isolated myself almost entirely since about last April/May and I’ve lost everyone important to me. There has not been a day to go by without me thinking about ending my life in some way in months and gosh, these past few days I feel like a ghost in my own body. I feel so numb and empty. I have no energy. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t get my schoolwork done. […]
I just don’t know what I have and I wished I never had visited that doctor. She said that I had “too much anxiety for normal situations”. I had social anxiety and she couldn’t even say that name to my face. Then at home I searched about it because I didn’t trust her and I found out that possibly I had depression too, and now I can have BPD too. And at this point and just don’t know if what I feel is truly real or maybe I get all the diseases I read about. I don’t know what is real and what is not. […]
I’ve only been to one therapy session before. It was rather recent–maybe two or so weeks ago. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I made the appointment in a moment of desperation (I tried to interact with a person and it didn’t exactly work out). I though that instead of crying and cutting over it, I would be appropriate and handle my porcelain emotions carefully and not break myself. As soon as I called to make the appointment, I found out that I had to wait like 3 weeks. I lost it after I hung up and ended up cutting myself, […]
Been suffering from asebergers, PTSD, BPD, severe social anxiety and extreme guilt for ages….. my gulit, combined wiith asebergers just made it so i’m broken socially, which furthers the degree of my BPD and loneliness pretty much by the day. my BPD overlaps with asebergers and i just lose it over little things… and everybody thinks i’m insane. i can’t even go outside and walk around because i’m afraid of what people will think. even my own family thinks i’m crazy!!! my mom has locked me up so many times over the littlest shit… and the funny thing is that pretty much everybody agrees that […]
I got accused of not being suicidal yesterday because of a post about loving two people. how can people just assume? yes, I am miserable, morbidly depressed, very bipolar and BPD and a bunch of other things, but I have had a few good moments. just because a post doesn’t mention that I want to die doesn’t mean I don’t want to die.
First time I tried to kill myself, I was 16. I overdosed and was hospitalised. I was raped and bullied. I left hospital and ignored calls from the police.
For the next five years, I felt myself losing a sense of who I was. A straight-A, goody two shoes, quit college (UK meaning of the word). I started over, but skipped school a lot. I ended up getting two As and a B at A Level. I got into a good university to study law, but I think they just wanted my money from international fees. I got a 2:1 with honours, but by the scrape […]
People always like to think they know how I feel, or how people like me feel, when they’re all just so far from the truth. All these feelings of worthlessness self hate, and loneliness have taken they’re toll, and reduced me to a shadow of whatever it is I was – I don’t even remember what happiness felt like, it’s just numbness where it should be.
Why do parents have to be so stuck in their ways? I promised myself I’d never make the same mistakes if I ever have kids. Never ever lay a hand on them, let alone a fist. If there’s one thing […]
I am obsessed with death and suicide. In my mind, it looks like a beautiful way to go.
I picture myself in the final hours, preparing my own wake and the steps I take to my final sleep.
The only problem is, I feel that there are two minds inside my brain, both want to die, but one is still sad and urges me to seek help first. The other is evil and wants me to scare and push people away by becoming this dark and morbid girl, it wants me to die.
My belief is that they were whole once, feeling the same emotions of hurt and […]
Its hard when you don’t really have anyone to turn to, it can be a lonely existence
Over the last year, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I’m around the people in my life, because I know they are no longer interested in what I have to say, or how messed up I feel, but I guess I can’t blame them, but the one thing that makes me angry is when they say ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘I’ve been through the same thing’ its not a competition but if each person suffered the same, one treatment would work for everyone
Lately I’ve formed […]
Lately, I’ve been becoming more and more angry about my situation at home(if I could, I would leave it but thats not an alternative due to factors like cops and getting a beatdown) It makes me so furious that I punch the walls in rage and just take out my blade and let it rip into my skin and after a few seconds, that blood flowing out, the release, the peace, the quiet within is an amazing feeling. It’s a temporary relief I know but which makes me think about running the blade down my jugular and taking the escape.
my BPD wont worsen, my temper […]
Pat Engebrecht penned this book about her daughter who committed suicide 25 years ago. Her daughter LauraJo, aged 29, was a closet homosexual and had severe long term mental illness diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder. Mom Pat took a collection of LauraJo’s journal entriesÂ and then comments back to her daughter and the reader. From Pat’s vantage parents are erroneously blamed for their children’s troubles and this is wrong. Pat wants other parents, grappling with guilt over their mentally ill children, to realize, as she does, that they are not the problem.
For sale:Â https://www.createspace.com/3605803
this year was the toughest one I have had in my life. i dropped out of college twice and was hospitalized 4 times. i have experienced the lowest points in my life this year. but i have also realized many important things. i have grown up. i have gotten closer to my husband. he is my best friend. he helps me through my illness. i have gotten closer to my church family and i am now in the beginning phases of getting real intensive treatment for my BPD. i hope that i begin to really heal this year. i am fed up of this lifestyle […]
I haven’t heard from you in days. This has got to stop.
You need to stop leaving so abruptly, you could at least tell me what’s going on and if you’re okay.
I have BPD and it kills me when i can’t contact you. I’m not blaming BPD but i think it explains why i leave you a million messages. You should take that into consideration before yelling at me for being clingy.
I need to talk to you. Although you may be sick of me right now. Tell me. Don’t just ignore me.
At least then i would know you were just annoyed with me. Then i […]
Hi everyone, am a forum newbie. Decided as it is new year, will also register straight away.
Where to start, I am female, 30 from the UK. I have suffered Borderline Personality DIsorder as far back as I remember I, just came out of some calm BPD remission time (no love life or want for one) ie a want for a love life arose. But the feeling was not reciprocated, hence been feeling suicidal, now here.Â I don’t want sympathy. I just wish to be abit of a lurker and learn good methods for the time when this happens again, which it will (always does) and […]