mom

it’s been awhile since i have been here. i was hoping not to feel compelled to write here again but circumstances have decided otherwise. it has been a rough year for me.when my birthday came around i had every intention of being dead. i had made arrangements, secured a means, everything was set to go. then the day came and for some reason i couldn’t do it. a few short days later i had a very ugly and traumatic breakup with both my shrink and therapist. and yet i survived. i have been off psych meds for the first time in over 20 years. things were beginning to get better. i was finally buying into the notion that life isn’t such a ***** and that i wasn’t better off dead. i have always believed that just when things are starting to get better life will always sucker punch me back into reality. well surprise that has happened. only this makes my issues with the shrink and therapist look quaint in comparison. on november 18 my 69 year old mother literally dropped dead. i am still in a state of shock. this has brought on a flurry of overwhelming emotions. emotions that i am experiencing sans meds. i am ashamed of myself for being so willing to put my family through that hell. yet i find myself drawn to the idea. my new therapist keeps pointing out that i have not said whether i am committed to living. at this point i can’t say if i am. one thing i have learned this year is that screaming is ultimately futile. this is my decision and mine alone. no point in creating drama. while part of me doesn’t want to inflict that pain on my loved ones another part thinks eating a bullet is a perfectly reasonable solution. the question is who wins out?