I love you

I never understood how meaningful those words actually are. I never understood how much they meant to me until someone showed me they cared. In my mind they were just something that was said to someone to expand on their relationship with someone.

I learned it’s hard for me to love others. My two main friends, when they’re sad will text in a group text, and say I love you. The one who didn’t say it will always respond back the same, but I never answer. They’ve never brought up anything about me answering it. So I don’t know if they think something’s wrong with me. I just have a hard time figuring out if I actually love someone or I just appreciate their presence in my life.

There is only one person I am certain I love. It’s not a romantic love, it’s a platonic one. But he’s the only one. Whenever I see him, I’m happier and I feel safe. But I never see him anymore, and I feel awkward texting him. I was suppose to see him last week, but I wasn’t able to, and I ended up spending most of the night crying in my bed. I’m hoping that the next time I see him he’ll help me get out of this rut I’ve fallen into. I only eat maybe once a day, and it’s crap food, usually fast food. I barely drink water, and drink mostly soda. I spend most of my time in a state of wanting to cry or put a bullet in my head. I’m hoping if I see the one person I love they can help me feel better.