Can’t take it anymore

I have so much I want to say. You don’t know me at all. But for now all I’ll say is this.

i asked my mom for three things for Christmas.  Three little things.  I wanted to drive an hour to see a light display.  I wanted a small tabletop tree to decorate  and I wanted no gifts, from anyone.  She did none of this.  We have no tree.  I didn’t and won’t get to see the light display.  And I have gifts from my grandparents and am elderly great aunt and uncle waiting.  I don’t feel worthy of gifts from these people.  I am chronically ill and we are poor.  The people who gave me gifts pretty much already support us and I want no more from them.  Ironically, I have no gifts or cards or even calls from my brother, sister, or father who do not live with us.  They are not poor and don’t otherwise help.  In fact, I was left off of a Christmas card my sister sent to my mom, but that is no surprise.  She disowned me (hasn’t spoken to me, told my mom I was not welcome in her home, etc) when I got sick.  There is also no gift, not one, coming from my mom.  I would be okay with that if she’d honored my requests, but she didn’t.

i don’t think I can handle this.  On Christmas Day it will be worse. I will try and ignore the day entirely but I am not sure it will help.

may post my full story later, but had to vent now.

jay