Going to eat some lovely sushi with an old friend of over a decade, who I also work with. Life seems like it could have some possibly good out comes. The loneliness is diminishing, I am growing closer to my friends, and I feel like my life might turn around.
Spent the past 8 years as a hermit, but every year around this time, I have to get involved with all of my old friends. Is it my last moment grasp to hang on to the world that is slowly slipping from my fingers, or am I just in that “mood”. Feel like when I end up getting social IRL my behavior gets more and more reckless as a result.
Oh how troublesome, even just getting sushi my inherently cynical ruins the fun before I even take a bite. All will be well.
Wish me luck!
Post completion after vague after thought, yay business ventures.
5 comments
Just go and enjoy that sushi without giving it much thought. Extra soy sauce on it might help, since it’s so salty that you can’t think much of anything, specially if you put a lot of wasabi on it, lol.
Getting close to your old friends can’t be bad (if that’s what you want), and since you are aware of the recklessness that comes with it, you might be able to keep it at bay (since you already know about it). Good luck!
Gosh death by sushi sounds yummy this afternoon. Ad long as there is sea urchant.
HDS, you do know dead by sushi is actually a thing? youtube.com/watch?v=gM3t_uTGi-s
Grinderhouse!
Eh, I let the situation get the best of me. Idk, I showed up in a state that was less than desirable. I felt really inadequate and slow. Worst of all, I felt like they could see right into my pain, and got a glimpse of the life that’s been eating away at me. I feel like I have been so openly sad this month that I exude indications of depression. Some instances are better than others. I have been off work for a month because of a broken toe, and I live alone. I only have one person who I talk to, she’s amazing, without her my existence would be empty. All things considered, there is one positive, my internet social life has picked up within the past couple days. That brought me a lot of relief.
It crushed me to leave today’s social interaction mangled and devoid because I hadn’t seen him in a month. I normally try to be as upbeat and positive as i can be when I am around him. As a result of all the clear indicators that things are a bit off with me I feel like he is walking away from our encounter more concerned for me or even disgusted. I pursued this because I thought I would be able to impress him, and make him laugh because it used to come so naturally.
I just hope he can chalk it up to us both being tired. Either way, the lack of interest is growing on me, the lack of interest for connections. I want friends, but I can no longer maintain proper friendships. It seems that I am at a multi-directional round about, and it feels like I just keep navigating around it filled with indecision as to what road to take.
In a way I kinda feel nothing but sadness, I mean I can hear them in my mind deconstructing my behavior and commenting on my current mental state. I feel like I have to prove myself in every situation; my long standing reputation almost requires people who know me to inspect and speculate.
I feel like things like this make me hard to be around, and the people on the other side of the table are just as uncomfortable as I am when I’m around them. I feel like I give off a very panicked aura, it’s obvious and apparent in most situations. The only time I don’t feel it is when talking to my one really close friend I have left, and ironically enough plain strangers.
Today like man social situations I involve myself with left me feeling defective. Furthermore, the interaction I was seeking and anticipating was in reality something that left hurt and unfulfilled.