Not enough

So it has been awhile since i was last on here. I found someone who made me forget about my shit life and for awhile i forgot about wanting to end my life. I have been through some messed up stuff but i have always put on a smile and played my role as the good daughter, the dependable best friend, the happy coworker, etc. But this person i fell in love with broke all of those masks. I cant hide behind anything anymore. I cant pretend that i give a shit about anything any more. Why would he want me? Im no good for anyone, not even myself. I wish i could talk to someone but i am afraid of being judged. I would talk tp my best friend but she has her own life, i would talk to family but that would only worry them, i cant talk to my boyfriend because im afraid he will leave. I have tried to get professional help but i dont want to be labled as a suicidal weirdo. I found this site when i was looking for ways to off myself without leaving massive trauma to my corpse. When i started reading some posts i immediately went into “guardian angel” mode. I wanted to help others the way i wish someone would help me. And it worked, i talked with a couple people and i hope i helped someone get through one more day. But i am to a point that i dont even care anymore. I want to say that i do but really whats the point? Yeah i am hopeful that at least one person has lived a better life. But i am so tired of being the one that people lean on for support. I am tired of staying home while others live their life and enjoy it. Just once i wish someone would grab me, hold me in their arms, without saying a word and just let me cry. I dont want to burden anyone close to me, so i find myself here at 2:52 in the morning. I read a couple of posts like i normally do and my heart breaks, not because the posts move me but because they dont. I feel like i could be writing a lot of the posts and it makes me feel like i found my little corner of the world that i dont have to pretend. But then i remember that i am in my own corner, in my room, in the dark, unable to sleep and unable to feel anything for anyone but myself, hell no one here even knows my name. Anger, sadness, guilt, shame are the only things i can feel any more. Even love has escaped me because the relationship is far from healthy. In fact that topic is so fucking complicated i dont even want to go into it. Idk why im even still writing this. Im all cried out, i just want to go to sleep before o grab my knife that i keep by my bed in case of nights like this. One hour at a time…. Maybe….