Where to start, well, it’s pretty clear that 90% of my turmoil is the result of an abusive marriage I want out of. I’m here of my own accord though, I’ve chosen this sacrifice, this suffering, because reasons.
I’ve also come to realize, in some strange way.. I sought this. In some sickening way, I’m comfortable being depressed. I feel as though, I pursued someone to hurt me, to justify feeling so hurt.
I’ve been on here roughly a week. A common theme I see, is people just wanting someone, anyone. It makes me Stockholm myself, as if taking this beating is better than being alone. Especially if I did infact seek out a controlling abuser.
Even though, through out the years, I’ve made several self harm attempt (albeit weak and pathetic ones) there’s so much I still enjoy. Music, writing, just any opportunity to be creative. Work is decent. So I guess my point is, the only thing keeping me from pursing happiness is myself. That kind of explains the self hate.
I’ve read so much here, of your stories. I don’t know what to say. I feel so sorry for so many of you. I definitely feel inadequate in this regard. Like, I’m not suicidal enough to compare, I have productive outlets (though they’re discouraged by my spouse), I’m relatively fit and healthy. Yet here I am, whining and seeking sympathy from a group that has real problem, real issues that are out of their control.
Yeah, here I sit. Hesitant to pull the trigger. In any sense. Not on a gun and not on life. Too happy to be sad simultaneously too sad to be happy. Just drifting along in a vortex of grey built by my own design.