Am i?

Today i realized something. Most people i know think i’m a heartless person. Of course they think this because they do not know what my stepfather did to me. they don’t know what it was to know that you had to give everything up in order to save your brothers and mother. you know what really sucks of that? that those brothers i tried to protect don’t know who i am. They don’t even remember who their big sister is. They just know i’m the girl that “betrayed” their mother. that what mom’s made them believe. And that hurts. But can you really blame me for being like this? For not letting anyone get to close? I mean they’re gonna leave someday and you’re gonna end up alone, so why not skip all the getting close and then hurting me part? really it’s easier that way. I’ve survived 14 years like that. And it’s great to know that the only way i’ll cry is if mom calls me. Though, I don’t enjoy the fact that many people are scared of me. I mean sure carrying scissors in the small of my back doesn’t help. but its not like i’ll actually use them. I have them there because they make me feel safe. But are they right? am I really a monster? I hope not because then mom would be right and i would really hate that.