Lately, I’very been putting together a bucket list of things I would do if tomorrow didn’t exist or there would be no tmorrow very soon. Some activities appear normal while some are batsh*t insane. Deeds where the worst of my actions would leave me shame or embarrassment, or the greatest acts of kindness would present some of the best things I could offer those around me. Most things I have on that list show how selfish I can be, and the remainder show how selfless I am depending on the scenario. I suppose, if I am selectively selfless, wouldn’t that still make me selfish since there has to be a condition that benefits me in some way where I’m not affected negatively? Nonetheless, I know I’m depressed whether I’m at work, at home, getting groceries, talking to women who like the brooding version of me for who knows what reason, in the middle of an argument, driving home, walking home, masturbating, eating lunch, using the bathroom, having emotionless sex with women who will or will have cheated on me, etc. And during some of the most mundane of activities, at times, I just want it all to just end, and, sometimes, imagine how it would end.
The strange part about envisioning the end is contemplating what I would miss or regret not doing currently. The end makes everything seem more important than I see it now because of all of the “what if” scenarios that have no defined resolution. So, just to give context to the “what if” scenarios I have in my life, the following lists some of the things I feel I need to do before the end of my life (please note, some I’ve atempted yet never finished):
1. Tell a woman “I love you” to have a meaningful, everlasting relationship (the first half I’ve done. The second part has yet to happen with a lady who won’t cheat on me)
2. Have a normal conversation with my parents without shedding light on disappointments of the past (I still have yet to reunite with my parents after not speaking to them in a very long time)
3. Audition for a televised, talent contest and actually make it on a show (So far, since singing has plagued my life and I’m curious to the point where I’ve auditioned multiple times for various programs and have been beyond preliminary rounds, I have yet to make it on live television)
4. Travel to the land of my birth, and reside there for more than a year (So far, I’ve planned yet haven’t made the attempt)
5. Start up and run my own company (Due to my current budget and employment status, this won’t happen anytime soon)
6. Write songs, record songs, and get the songs distributed via radio play or ITunes (I’ve been writing and/or recording here and there over the years, have been told what I have so far is decent, but I have yet to overcome that fear and disappointment of the material either being unappealing or extremely depressing to where any messages I have lead to someone else’s demise)
7. Win the lottery and never work again (This activity of chance is attainable, if only I could see the silver lining in actually putting in my bet without thinking of all the useful sh*t I could buy and how much I’d waste not winning, or how the odds are stacked too high to even win, or how my luck isn’t that great)
8. Participate in a high speed chase with either the Sheriff’s Department, Police Department, Highway Patrol, or all three at the same time until running out of gas (Every time I’m having a bad day, the thought crosses my mind once I see any law enforcement vehicle on the freeway or at a traffic light)
9. Learn and Master a Martial Art (I’ve learned several over the course of my life, so far, but have yet to officially achieve the rank of master in order to be qualified to teach any particular style)
10. Truly make love to a woman and bring a life into this world (I’ve never had sex without protection and I don’t plan to any time soon, and I fear I may never find that special someone to share this honor with)
The list goes on after that, and varies in significance, but one thing they all have in common is that I’ve been half or partially committed to any one thing because of that fear of failure or fear of losing something to gain nothing. And with the list going on, I run into that dichotomy of yearning for things I have yet to complete, and of constructing a laundry list of regrets and character flaws I can’t seem to get passed.
What makes it all crazy is when I lean towards the side of regret and what’s missing to make me as horrible as I can be, what makes me a failure, what makes time just drag my legs along with it, and what makes everything seem like a really long chore or labor, is thinking of the end method where I won’t have to feel anything, which goes as follows (please note I’ve either thought of or attempted all of what is listed):
1. Death by jumping in front of a moving vehicle (I’ve attempted this a few times over the course of my life, yet second guessed the decision and never went through with it)
2. Death by drowning (I’ve attempted this once, while falling asleep and dreaming in a swimming pool, and I felt myself panicking enough to wake up, spitting water everywhere trying to catch my breath with the shock of being alive)
3. Death by hanging (I’ve attempted this once, but due to my weight at the time, I broke the branch I thought was thick enough to hold the rope and support my weight, and fell to the ground)
4. Death by drinking some kind of poison, or mixing Vodka and sleeping pills and Vicodin and multiple medications (I’ve thought and dreamt of this and have yet to do this)
5. Death by falling from a really tall building or skyscraper (I’ve thought of this, have yet to do it)
6. Death by self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head or chest (I’ve contemplated this randomly after going to shooting ranges, but have yet to commit this act)
7. Death by electrocution in the bathtub (I’ve thought of this various times while taking a shower or bath)
8. Death by fire (I’ve thought of pouring gasoline all over my body, locking myself in a room with nothing in it, and lighting myself on fire, but have yet to do this)
9. Death by suffocation (I’ve thought about this, but have yet to commit the act)
10. Death by self-inflicted stabbing (I’ve though about this randomly while cooking, but have yet to do this)
Just like the other list of sh*t I’d like to complete before my demise, the list of the possible endings also goes on and on and on, like a broken record. Just like the things I have yet to finish or regret not doing, I’m just as half committed in getting closer to the end of my lousy, depressing, miserable life cycle. With this half committed attitude, this all makes me wonder if I’m more afraid of living or more fearful of dying. I guess I’ll truly never know until I reach that point.