Ah, i never thought i would post on a site like this one. Still, i would like some advice.. I’m sorry if this is too long, i don’t really know what i’m going to say so thank you to all of you who actually read through all this nonsense..
I don’t know what’s happening to me, i never would have imagined i would slip this far away. At first i thought i was just being a little over dramatic. That’s normal for teenagers y’know? But these thoughts, these “what ifs”, these plans, I can see how much they are taking over and i don’t know what to do..
Well first, i guess i should give some input on who i am. The name i picked for myself on here is Scarlet Yukimura and I am a Senior in High School. I am that friend that everyone turns to when things just fall apart. I’ve seen all my precious friends at their worst but we’ve always pulled through together. It’s really heartwarming to see how much they have changed, their new ideas, goals, dreams, smiles.. It’s what i live for. But, I am going to be leaving my beloved school soon and going on to the real world.
This, is the source of everything..
I moved to this new place, this new school after my parents got in a physical fight and got a divorce. This was in the summer of 8th grade. After that, our “family” was cast away as the “Problem” family so besides a few belongings, i only had my mother with me. I was always in complete despair, i felt so useless after seeing my mom like that, bloody and bruised up and all i could do was scream. How pathetic is that? Seeing an empty apartment instead of my old bright and cheerful house. There were many other things too but i’ll just save time by leaving them out. But i overcame all these feelings. I know this is going to sound really stupid but what gave me my new drive in life was an anime.
Call me stupid or make fun of me or whatever else. I know how stupid it looks, i wrote it down after all.
Still, the anime gave me a new view on life. All these characters going through the same hell i was and they overcame everything to love life again. It was what i needed more than ever. After that, i became more open in school. I started dressing in brighter colors instead of just all black. I even got a piano and started taking lessons just like one of the characters. I made friends, i made memories, i was able to smile everyday. Just like the main character, i wanted to become a Doctor so i can help people of all kinds everyday but that will never happen..
I’m not even graduating.
I’m failing my English class. This is because i have this condition, if it’s even called that, known as “Sleep Paralysis”. For those of you that don’t know, it happens right as i’m going to sleep. What happens is my body goes to sleep but my mind doesn’t. During this time, i can’t move, i can’t breathe, and the line between reality and dreams is blurred. Please remember, nightmares are dreams too. This really uncomfortable event is what usually keeps me up and makes me late for my English class. Usually missing it all together and it’s the reason i’m writing this at 1:19 AM. I’ve tried asking my teacher for help but she doesn’t like me too much, refusing to help me because i ditch her class a lot. I’ve never been able to properly tell my situation because of this relationship with her.
However, Graduating is the least of my concerns.
This time for seniors is when we’re supposed to figure out what we want to do in life and how to do it. It seems that i have everything figured out but i have been getting feedback from friends that graduated High School last year.. College is hell.. All of them dropped out, even my cousin and they all say it was a decision they wish they could take back. They say the life of an adult is killing them…
I don’t want to grow up..
I don’t want grow up and hate life like every adult i have ever seen… I don’t want to start life off with a bunch of debt.. I don’t want to have to quit watching anime and quit dressing so silly because that’s not what adults do… I don’t want to take down all my posters, remove all the stickers, and get rid of all my stuffed animals because that’s not what adults should care about… I don’t want to worry every waking second about bills like adults do… I don’t want to fight with my friends like adults do… I don’t want to hate someone i used to love… I don’t want to make my children suffer with a divorce… I don’t want to be a part of that world…
That’s when all these “what ifs” started
It started with one. When i was walking down the hallway of the second story building at school. What if i just jumped and ended everything before i fall into the depression of being an adult. Quit while i’m ahead y’know? I just dismissed it but they’re popping up more and more and more. It’s consuming my every waking minute… What if i just grab those scissors… what if i just down those pills… what if i just jump… all the songs i play on my piano are full of despair, my songs on my playlist are all just like they were freshman year… I wouldn’t have even noticed this if my mother didn’t ask me why i was playing such sad songs recently.. These feelins are taking over me i can’t run away from them..
i’m crying now..
I can’t run to my friends for help, how could i? The friend that is always happy, the friend that helped them when they needed it the most is now falling apart.. Their impression of happiness would fall apart wouldn’t it? i don’t want to ruin their lives. My mom and i are moving again when school ends because of this boy friend shes had for a while. I’ll keep their faith in happiness until the very end. I couldn’t become a Doctor because of how stupid i am but at least i know i have helped a small amount of people..
So i will be back where i ended up freshman year, in a place unknown to me, full of sadness, and honestly, i’m exhausted… The reason i even found this website was researching one of my “What ifs”. I’m slowly succumbing to them and i’m too tired to try and fight back… What would i even be fighting for, the future isn’t something i want to be a part of.
This is my story. Sorry it’s so stupid long.
10 comments
Don’t worry, it is great to here your story and others. Glad you came here, this is where we can all say what we feel and we will all understand how you feel and we will respect, support, and give advice for anything.
Thank you. I was just stuck so i wanted to write everything out before anything.
I just wanted to say something about “Kimi Ni Todoke”, the anime I like. It may contain a bit of a spoiler though.
Kuronoma Sawako is a shy but kind and honest girl who wishes to make a lot of friends. But due to her resemblance to “The Ring” (horror movie)’s Sadako, she is misunderstood by her classmates and her tendency to shy away from correcting people of misconceptions prevents her from doing so.
She naturally is drawn to Kazehaya Shouta, the most popular and cheerful guy in the class, who
everybody likes. Then Kazehaya starts talking to her, which she would never have expected, since she feels that she would be the last person Kazehaya would want to talk to. She starts feeling that maybe this is what she was looking for; the friendship she always hoped for. She feels happy and grateful that a guy like Kazehaya actually noticed her.
In the first episode of this anime, The words that Kazehaya said to Kuronuma started the change in her life; ” You were able to speak your mind when you tried.” She tried to say what she wanted and meant to her classmates, and slowly she became more open and people started understanding her. After all, what’s better than talking to your friends about how you really feel. You should try this anime when you have time, it is great.
I’ve actually seen both seasons of “Kimi Ni Todoke”, i loved it soo much. I actually have all the manga available from the series ATM. c: You’re right i actually saw a lot of myself in her. I don’t think guys like Kazehaya exist right now. All the couples now are doing things that are just gross to me. I gave up on finding real love because i know i’m never going to find it if every guy just wants to get under my clothes. As for my friends, i’ve actually been thinking about confronting them about all of this. I want to but whenever i see them i can’t help but smile and forget to even ask.
Oh. I am actually a guy and I have no interest in cle*vages and cam*ltoes. But this attraction problem is something very very few guys can handle. They get the pheromones everywhere they go (animal mating instincts, so of course). We can’t help get attracted, women can’t help attracting us. Though the self-control and morale of the current world has gone down by a lot.
I just want a real relationship one day, not this whole “one-night stand” bogus. Still, thanks for your input. i’ll revisit Sawako’s story and see what i can pull from it to try and help.
I won’t say much about relationships because I have not been in an stable one either. But definitely are there guys who want a real relationship too, though most probably they will give up on the idea and maybe sexperiment. Guys really love it. I can also suggest you other good anime if you want.
Sorry about this off-topic conversation. Also please let me know some of the anime you like.
And talking to your friends really help. Maybe face-to-face is difficult, but chatting lets you think twice about what you want to say, making it easier.
Well, the anime i was talking about earlier was “Angel Beats!”. I like all the “feels” shows like AnoHana, Your Lie In April, and Plastic Memories. But i also love Romances. I think it’s because it lets me escape from these fake real ones. That sounds so stupid. Anyway, animes like Toradora!, Kimi Ni Todoke, Pet Girl of Sakurasou, and Say i love you. I’m cheesy…lol
Sorry for the late reply. Also for not being able to relate through anything but anime. I can pretty much call myself an otaku because of social relationship problems. I have watched some of them and the “feels” is real! haha… The anime with the best “feels” and overall story for me would be Clannad. Another work of the creator of “Angel Beats!”. It has a comedy 1st season, then goes depressive in the 2nd. But very beautiful romance. Other animes are Lovely complex, Eikoku Koi Monogatari, Bokura wa Minna Kawaisou, Ishuukaan Friends, Oregairu, Watamote, Barakamon, Usagi Drop. It’s romance-centred to the left and more slice of life to right in scale. All of them have “feels” though.