I was in a very bad place due to the breakup of my relationship 5 years ago, had my method of leaving this world planned, and all my goodbye letters written out. I guess God didn’t think I had been put through enough hell yet so He intervened. My then ex, the love of my life, sent me a text message, one word, two letters, “hi”. That one word opened the door to us meeting up, talking things through, and eventually getting back together.
He promised me then he would never again leave me. Fast forward 5 years later, a little over 2 weeks ago he pulled up in a U haul, packed up very little of his stuff, and drove away without so much as a “goodbye”. When he left before, I still had a phone number, an email, and a general idea of where he was at. This time he changed his email, his phone number, no forwarding address, and has his FB page set to Friends only which he doesn’t consider me even that. I found out through an acquaintance that he moved to another state back with his Mom. The man is almost 50 yrs old. All the stuff he left behind were items that were gifts we had bought for him, stuff he acquired while we were together, basically, anything that he associated with our life together, he left behind.
I am beyond devastated. I invested 15 years of my life to this man, loving him, supporting him when things got tough, buying him stuff, taking care of him when he was out of work, and even putting up with all his faults, but that’s what love is about. It is unconditional and if you truly love a person, you take the bad with the good and you love that person warts and all. I always said that anything in this life worth having, is worth fighting for. Being with him was worth fighting for, but I’m not worth it to him. Looking back on it all now, if the man ever loved me at all, it was for a very short time. He was my love, a huge part of my life, my support system, my best friend, and most of all my strength. I was able to accomplish some things in my life because I knew he was by my side. He was also my Co driver, we drove a truck running teams all over the U.S. , so on top of everything else, I also lost my job when he left since it was a team job position. It doesn’t matter now though anyway. I am severely depressed and couldn’t get behind the wheel of a truck if I even wanted to. My mind is so messed up, I can’t even think straight. All I do is cry. I rarely leave the house because of anxiety attacks and I look like a crazy person crying in public.
I know life goes on, he’s not worth it, I deserve better, blah, blah, blah, I’ve heard it all, but I am in my mid 50’s and it’s just too late to start over. I don’t want to live my life out alone. The silence is deafening, yet the only time I ever find peace is in the darkness. I just cannot go through this life, facing years of emptiness, knowing he is out there, having moved on with his life, loving someone, and knowing she got the life that was supposed to be mine. A person can only take so much and for me the loss is just too much.
I have children, but they are all grown and have lives of their own and I don’t want to be a burden to them for years. It is amazing all the stuff a person can accumulate over the years. I am in the process of cleaning out my house, it’s not a home anymore since he left. I have already packed up all of his remaining belongings and they sit here waiting, but I know I am never going to see him again, never hear his voice, never feel his touch. Anyway, I don’t want my kids to have the added chore of getting rid of stuff I have acquired over the years. so I am getting rid of everything in the house except for stuff my kids could use for themselves. No knock knacks, no pictures, nothing will remain on the walls. Once that is complete, I don’t plan to be here beyond that.
I know in my heart that there won’t be any notes, emails, phone calls, or even a text message with one word to save me this time. He is through with me and I am through with life. The pain and the loneliness is just not worth it anymore.
4 comments
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I think it’s never too late to start again, but I can understand why you don’t want to go through any more of this. It could get better over time but I can only imagine how devastating it is. I hope you find hope and a life out there without him – you deserve to be with someone who wouldn’t dream of doing what he did. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Whatever you choose to do (or feel you must do), I hope being here can help a little bit with the loneliness. And I hope you find peace. x
@Special2No1
First of, your user is wrong. You are special to us, to humanity even. You think that’s an overstatement? Check this: not many people out there these days have the gift and capability to love the way you do. Too many “Vegas-style” marriages that only last a year or two nowadays…
Second, at 50, you’re still young enough to give yourself another chance at love, hun!
Come to Florida, many eager good looking and set up bachelors in their 40s, 50s, and above searching for that special person you could be for them!
What I’m trying to say is that the first person we need to love and cherish and take care of is ourselves. He let you down a second time? Honey, you need to seriously consider the fact that HE was the problem, not you.
Third, life isn’t always going to gift you what you want permanently. We all have to keep on moving. Same happened with your children, right? They completed the part of their journey that involved you, so they moved on.
Give yourself the space and time and chance you deserve. TRUST ME, you won’t regret it.
suesyd . nomore at g mail . com
Thank you for the kind words.
As far as moving to Fl, it wouldn’t make a diiference. I’m not just saying this, but I am not an attractive woman. Yes I’ve done the makeup, hair, nails, clothing, etc. Putting lipstick on a pig doesn’t make it anything other than a pig. I’ve been dealing with my lack of looks since I was a kid. I’m heavy now, but even when I was 140 lbs at 5’8, I still didn’t attract guys. I’ve only had about a half dozen relationships my entire life. I would have given just about anything to be a happily married woman to just one special man for the past 30 years, but it didn’t happen.
I don’t want to spend my older years alone and lonely, especially knowing he’s moved on and enjoying his life with someone else. I just can’t take that. I could move to Alaska where the men outnumber the women, and I would still be by myself. Even if I did find someone, the damage from my now ex just runs too deep. I would never be able to trust another man not to hurt me.
I’m just trying to tie up the loose ends of my life so my daughters don’t have to.
Ugly or pretty isn’t for you to say. I take your statement personal because if looks was all it mattered, I wouldn’t have landed the wife I have. She dated a friend of mine who went on to be a model. She dumped him for me!
This was back in high school, 23 years ago.
Being attractive isn’t about looks only, it’s your attitude.
Are you missing some teeth? A limb? Two??
Then your lack of confidence is an insult to people with disabilities who have found love, or at least the companionship they were after.
Think about all those people out there who wish they had had more short relationships in their lives instead of the lifelong one they’re in…
Once you accept the fact that the problem is not you, but your ex, you’ll be able to move on. Just open yourself to the possibility.
If life isn’t worth living because the loser of your ex left you, what difference does it make giving your self that well deserved and overdue last chance? I won’t tell you to abandon your plan, but to postpone it.
And if you love that man so much, wouldn’t you want to see him happy, no matter what? Let him live his version of happiness, while you live your own.
Chin up, head high, walk forward. You have this.