I’ll vent some stuff here, so I won’t blame you any wary feelings towards reading the upcoming wall of text. Forgive my English, since I’m no native speaker. Feel free to look for any reflection on your thoughts, to feed yourself with some cheap text for judging its author, or whatever. We both know there’s no real discussion nor influence on this, and despite the appearances making you feel you decide to read this on your own, you weren’t raised thinking your life would come at some point to get reading a suicide posts board.
So, yes. I know I’m going to do it. I’ve no dependent children or anything under my charge, no siblings and my relationship with my parents isn’t much of a close one, lots of past stains. I feel socially alienated enough, and I’m fed up to have constant physical and emotional pain any miserable day of my life. I don’t feel like running away to start a new life anywhere else, nor to meet any sunshine of a person. It’s over. But… wait? What about your life’s potential then? You’re just 24. It’s all in your disturbed mind, but there’s still a world with its arms open for your life to follow a new path, there’s some light waiting for you at the end of this tunnel.
It’s been no secret that growing up in this nihilistic, hypocritical society (including you and me on it) involves dealing with nasty stuff on an everyday basis, most of people claiming to have values on their speech, yet showing something completely different on their acts. From your weekly subway suicide, your mentally ill relatives, the social pressure for you to fit in (as if your work means any significant contribution) and indifference towards your supposed self-pitying feelings (as if their judgmental, callous lack of empathy hasn’t much of an effect on your psyche over time).
But, there’s an specific topic that intrigues me particularly to read anytime I think on suicide and I google viewpoints on it (since I’ve no one to talk about this IRL). There’s a constant speech on how much of a good reason to not commit suicide is… caring for others. Like, not only those beloved close relatives who’re so emotionally weak and dependent on counting with your unique, fulfilling existence another day to beat loneliness and to feel comprehended yet… but on a society that seems to be at the verge of a larger scale of decadence, lacking hope and direction, no matter how positive images are projected as the most likely future for mankind. You’re told to remind that from a rational viewpoint, climate change stats can be beaten, as much as having to hear about drowned, murdered or deported Syrian children, social inequality and increasing unrest across the globe, etc etc, and that holding on an optimistic/realistic key and making a change agent of yourself it’s better than by-standing collapse or shamefully quitting before the ultimate chances were spent.
Thing is, I don’t feel that way. If I already feel extenuated to help my own internal feelings and depression everyday, I’ve just no motive nor desire to fit into a society that it has been always changing but so far never recorded any end to being abusive, unequal, oriented on the pursue of an anthropocentric development for an economic system. I feel like another mere slave of others artificially enlightened dreams, values and desires, which the older I get, the more unrealistic they become.
I feel like I was taught to double-standard things, to exercise moral relativism in order to fulfill life’s “potential” (as if there wasn’t enough life with 7000 million humans out there). I feel taught to understand life as a duty or responsibility I didn’t willingly take (I didn’t choose to be born, and as I’ve been told, I was mostly born out of my parents deciding not to abort me after months of pregnancy and not knowing shit on planning parenthood). I feel taught to expect such responsibility as a price for life’s joys -like love, money, health… wait, you didn’t go well on those? You’re to blame, you didn’t open your eyes; your chances were always there-, -Oh, but wait, all you need is serotonin from our magic big blue pills we usually call antidepressants, anti-psychotics, etc, get some for $10.99 each week and it should happen somehow, believe me-.
So, that light after the tunnel, that potential… is nothing but pursuing something probabilistic, through a bunch of years lost in medication you can barely manage to pay since you can’t even insert yourself in the laboral market, nor you count with almost anyone else since everyone it’s running their own race, pursuing their own money, status, for the sake of being productive to such a cruel society then? Are you telling me to love/desire something I don’t even know?
Sorry, but let me at least quit with dignity. Sorry if I got a bit unclear and long there. It’s just so much despair amassed that makes it hard to summarize and express.
7 comments
Society is screwed
I’ve read some philosophers and scientists believe we’re in a simulation.
Your style or writing is very interesting. I can feel you. I think society is not that bad (if you dont count Hitlers, Stalins etc.), its not that good either, but depression or any mental illness makes it pain in the ass. Some (myself) of us are lucky to have pretty decent people around them and to experience some love, but to live in society where standards are set for the healthy ones – to be able to just adapt to almost anything without feeling much of a pain, feels sick for depressed or alienated.
I sometimes feel like we mentally ill are just the ones who are the part of humanity which society left behind somehow – like homosexuals or Jews in the past. Noone cares about out suffering all that much, but maybe thats just because they aren’t able to imagine it – they see just their norms, visions and normal everyday life. Pills can give you some decent years, but will never solve the true cause which noone will tell you about, because its not part of the mainstream…
We’re the lab rats for aliens
Yeah, babies are born because their parents fucked. It’s been that way for a very long time. Mommy & Daddy have no idea what to to do when the bundle of joy arrives on the scene. They do their best in raising baby.
Eventually baby grows up and replicates parents behavior.
Baby becomes parent.
Baby-parent has no idea what he/she is doing. Baby-parent only knows that baby producing parts operate effectively.
So parent goes on to raise next generation of offspring.
On an on and on the cycle continues, as shows like ‘Jerry Springer’ and movies like ‘Idiocracy’ chronicle mankind’s evolutionary step forward.
Gawd, I hope I’m wrong.
Clearly you’ve never had a kid. There’s such a thing as ‘parent’s classes’ when you have a new baby, or even classes for expecting parents.
I’m not saying that the instructors of the classes know anything, but sharing advice and experiences helps.
(I haven’t had a child either. I just know from friends who did.)
This is exactly what I feel and think about life in general and society.And the meaninglessness of it all is the ultimate reason why I’ll kill myself (I’m 24 too). I think that if you choose so, you deserve a peaceful and dignified exit. Moreover, I’d advise against talking to relatives and others about because the ‘so much to live for’ is all you are ever going to get. Not out of people’s EMPATHY but selfishness-because they don’t want to be responsible for what happens so they ‘clean’ their hands and purge themselves by saying don’t do it. Hell, even I, who am 200% with you on this cannot bring myself to say otherwise. I think that is the ultimate display of how humans are a disgusting species…oh hell.