Or create one for yourself, they said.
Like fuck this existensial crisis and depression and anxiety and every mental disorder in the world. Fuck the abuse of any kind anyone of us might have experienced. Fuck this never ending grueling pain that keeps resurfacing no matter how much willpower and positive thoughts and medication you’ve armed yourself already. Fuck this distractions I live in so, you know, life won’t be so bad.
How is it that even when I am supported by people who are there to help I just can’t reach out for that hand no matter how much I stretch it. You wonder if you really aren’t just meant to live this life or you aren’t trying hard enough or you really are just beyond saving yourself. Will someone force their way into your life just to fucking save you? Because no matter how independent I can be I don’t think I can do this —everything, even when there are sprouts of life that bursts in me once in awhile, yet inevitably wilts as fast. Am I beyond saving? Should I just go die now?
Oh, I can hold on for now. But when it hits me, everything is just so bad and horrible it’s like it’ll never end. I want to cry, spill my feelings, scream and be that expressive shit but I just can’t anymore. I am held back by something I don’t understand. I just hope that one day—I don’t know what I’m hoping for anymore, but I just want to feel like typing yay without any sarcasm or pretense. The genuine exciting feeling of saying omg because the situation grants it. Even in this state, the world will keep moving, the time will keep running, and the people around me will keep doing their everyday tasks and I will just be here, stuck and unable to get a move on with my life.
I still kinda wanna live, in a sense. I still wanna watch the next episode for this show, meanwhile having a marathon on another series. I still wanna listen to the next album on this band that I really like, or wait for the next chapter on an online story I’m following. I wanna know the next films nominated for the next Cannes Festival or Sundance etc and wait until the torrent for this indie movie comes up.
But sometimes I just want to end it all. How many coping skills are out there without harming yourself? How much more will I have to try. How many forums should I stumble upon, or maybe I should just drink myself away.
To those I’ve told but made small of it, even though they’ll never read this: Fuckers, I’ve tried so hard. Don’t tell me I’m too young for this, because it is there, it is present, and I am fucking dying inside. And I’m still trying hard, just to fucking breathe and exist. Sometimes I see a future in front of me, but then it dissappates.
I am lost. I cannot find myself.
6 comments
What about you adopt the quest of finding yourself as your purpose? Being lost in this world happens to a crap ton people. And truly finding yourself is something rare, it’s something worth striving for. However, a purpose is sometimes overrated. Some people are content with just experiencing the world and enjoying its various aspects. So, in the end it’s up to you, to which side you’ll go to. O and I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering from these issues. Depression and other mental issues don’t discriminate according to race, nationality, sex, or age. So it’s bullshit when they tell you that you’re too young for this. Being young only affords you more time to beat it, not that you’re immune to it.
I’ve thought about doing that, dreaming about it a lot of times. But then everybody keeps telling me that I should earn a degree or something before I start doing whatever I want. I’ve heard stories from other people and it seems like even though they’re like forty or fifty years old they still don’t know what to do with their life. I don’t want that. But then there’s this social pressure that just keeps pressing on and on about how I Need A Degree About Something.
I understand that they’re important. I understand that’s it’s also my life. But we always have these commitments that makes it hard to just go on to the journey to finding yourself. What will my family think of me, etc? I don’t want to waste money just because ‘I don’t know what I want’ or ‘being indecisive’.
And then I have issues about myself, too. I don’t know if I’m just doing this because of a fleeting whim or I’m influenced by some psychological mojo casted on me or I really, really want this but my rational thinking is clouded because of some scientific reason.
@.@
You can’t keep commitments if you’re dead. If there’s stuff you want to try, then do it. If it doesn’t work out, you’ve learned something. Worst case scenario you end up back where you are now.
Maybe you can compromise. Earn a degree in something that interests you, something that can act as a vehicle to find yourself. Just do some research and look around.
I’ve got no idea if what you’re experiencing is due to a whim, or if it’s some serious shit. What I do know, is that it’s completely normal to feel lost and be iffy about yourself at your age. It’s basically the age when you actually begin to think about the future and yourself more concretely, so no worries. O and I’m guessing your age from the things you said, I’m not psychic.
I totally agree with the ideas but then I have this huge barrier called Anxiety I’m not really sure how to handle. I think it’s pretty bad considering I get anxious and have little panic attacks even in the little things.
Right now I practically live in a safety bubble where I can breathe a little easier, although it does have its double edged sword when I have those breathlessness moments. Sometimes when something goes through the bubble there’s like an instant war and instant depression and instant suicidal feeling. And then we got these side characters called Fear and just plain old Depression that lasts for a long while after.
Right now, I am ok and can think clearly. Totally self-aware and everything. Just don’t disturb the bubble, otherwise I’ll shut down and short circuit. It’s what happens when people are actually asking me wth is my problem and I just end up saying “I’ll be fine” or nothing at all.
It sucks.
Ah, I’m sorry to hear about the anxiety issue. It sounds like that is the center of the your problems, and the rest are branching out of it. There’s unfortunately no quick fix or magic potion to fix it. Expect, temporarily, through those relaxation meds, but I wouldn’t recommend that. Just remember that nothing life ending will happen when something passes through your bubble, you’re in control after all. Also, it’s never a bad idea to reach out to someone, and share what’s going on. Just take your time to find someone you trust.