The reason I’m here is from the mindless browsing that I randomly find myself doing at the oddest of times. In just a few minutes I can feel the trembling hands the shaking voices the ones who just can’t cry anymore or are still shedding these tears. Its depressing to see many of us in despair but I find some kind of solace knowing I’m not alone on the bridge.
I’m 21 years old and for this past year I feel like I’ve been sitting on a bench in purgatory for the longest. In this year my losses are not even comparable to most people but the impact that it had on me was incredibly severe that I have yet found myself seeing a glimmer of hope. I recently lost my grandmother who was suffering for years and we all knew that her time would come soon, I just didn’t realize that I’d be the one who would discover this loss first. She was disabled and unable to live her life properly for more than 15 years. As her family we took care of her and in the few weeks leading to her departure I was a horrible grandson not taking care of her properly or being kind, somewhere deep down I felt she was a burden but I never hated her I use to spend long times thinking about what she’s thinking about and I felt that times her sanity would come back cause I would hear her cry and it tore me up inside and I couldn’t do anything except watch. On the day she left I found myself trying to save her even though she was long gone and I’m just blank in my thoughts and I felt like screaming. When the paramedics arrived and just told me she was gone and for awhile at that I broke down finally in tears screaming and clutching my chest. Tears coming down my eyes while I mentioned that she was just fine a few hours ago, I was in my room right next to her having fun playing online with my brother and decided to go grab a bite, my heart sunk completely and I felt sick. I take loss horribly and I usually recover but as of now I’m still tormented. I was awake for nearly 48 hours replaying the whole day in my head constantly in a whole week we lost her and bid her farewell. I couldn’t even attend the funeral cause I was so weak and felt like it was my fault for what happened. I honestly believe that cause of me she left that night.
Weeks later I would still think about it and still cry as well. I forgot to mention that the one person that kept me sane was my former girlfriend, we broke up a few weeks after my grandmother’s passing. She was the only person who’s opinion I cared about, we were together for four years and with me barely emotionally stable it utterly destroyed me. Once again I believe it was my fault once again, and this time I can’t really defend myself in anyway really. Since the funeral I was completely gone from who I was. Leading up to our break up I treated her awfully even though she did nothing wrong. Makes me sick thinking I did this to her. Mainly the reason I bit at her so often was the distance that we had. She was away at college months at a time and it made it hard for me to cope and I couldn’t really keep a straight head on and was always taking it out on her even when she did nothing wrong so I was just pushing her away. Can you imagine pushing away the only person who you cared about. Knowing that you’re doing it but not being able to control yourself. Its sickens me to think I did this to her. I am having a hard time really describing our relationship I’ll just say that she was or still is the most important person in my life. We went from complete strangers, to friends, to lovers, to enemies or atleast thats how it felt like I treated her. I bit at her cause I felt she broke her promises and the words that she lived by. I only realized a few months later that I broke my word a lot earlier and was just pushing her away day by day with my anger and pessimism. I fucking miss her… Losing her was so intense to me that I did have an attempt at my life and later a complete disregard in my safety. A couple days when we split up I was just lashing out and telling her goodbye and I was laying there crying cause she’d call me 20-30 times in a night crying herself thinking I off’d myself. I won’t lie I felt somewhat happy she cared, but one night it got so hard that I couldn’t sleep so I took some sleep aides that I keep for school nights. I took two to start laying for a bit and it just wasn’t cutting it I took a few more a few minutes later and then I eventually found myself just downing them all. In reality even I knew that the amount I took (Which was like 23 something unisoms and anything else that helped knock me out) was not enough to kill me but that night I felt so out of body. Completely numb and not able to move my body and I could barely breathe I forced myself to move and every step was like being hit in the head with a bat every noise amplified. I eventually fell back into bed this time I couldn’t move no more I was staring at the roof wondering “Am I gonna wake up? Do I even care if I wake up?” I closed my eyes and just waited. Not really surprised that I woke up but I felt like I had the meanest hangover. I looked at my phone and she had called many times and left messages once again I cried. I would find myself taking the car out for drives to clear my head. I would find myself closing my eyes a lot and just hoping if I was in a crash that it would be painless or atleast something big. Everytime I thought of death I felt bad since I would hurt my family and her. I believed that I couldn’t live without her, was gonna marry her at the right time, but I guess my mind had other things to do.
I eventually became a member of purgatory just not being able to actually live you know. I was done trying to take my life but I was also done living it. Since day one I’ve been a coin of sobriety 21 years. I started smoking for the nicotine rushes and drinking the moment I wake up to numb the pain and just sleep. I was getting about 20 hours of sleep a day and me and my ex would talk almost every night. I said I need to let her go and she wants me to just smile be friends and live again. How can I forget our rollercoaster relationship, the time I spent making you fall in love with me but it made me even sicker since I knew how she felt as well. I’m one of those guys that can just understand things and just accepts it all. I just wish I bounced back soon enough.
Its been like 4 months since my depression status, I eventually accepted it all and now I’m sitting here typing this up hoping someone to read this. To this day the only person I talk to is my ex, can you believe it? Shes the only one I can talk to or rather the only person I’m willing to spend time on. We… are friends no matter how much I want her back. To be her friend I can’t love her, the way it kind of is. I’ll always love her though, still hoping for a chance, hoping she changes her mind. I guess in a way I’m dreaming again? I am laughing again and being kind of social. But I do still feel like a member of purgatory. Cause even though I kind of bounced back I’m still not living. My life now is still one note playing over and over and its making me sick. I want to stand and live but I just don’t see a reason really. I don’t want anything anymore. I have zero desires no ambition or aspirations for anything. Call this here memo a change I guess, the only time I actually decided to do something different. Even though my problems are pebbles in a hurricane I can’t help but spill these words out. I don’t know what I expect from this just a spur of the moment I guess.
2 comments
I understand these feelings, I was the exact same when my grandad passed. The thing is when you’re grief and depression is in full swing that’s when you don’t really think about consequences and don’t think about what you’re doing which when you realise, it then leads to self hatred and leaves you feeling defeated. Now I don’t know exactly what goes on in your head – everyone is different but have you ever thought of talking to your ex about it? She might understand. If you want a reason to live why not think of it as a way of doing it for yourself first, getting you out of the cycle you’re in at the minute and if you do it for yourself you can then show the girl you love that just how sorry you are and how much you’re trying and that you don’t want to be like that anymore then maybe you can be better because it can’t happen without you wanting to do it for yourself first.
Again I don’t know how you think so this is in no way meant to be offensive or brushing off your depression because I know how bad it can be. And I know it’s easier said than done but don’t give up hope.
I appreciate the read, I get what you mean right now me and her are on good terms I guess, I’m really just trying to do the things I didn’t. I also would say I’m not really depressed or as much anymore, when I was fully submerged it was horrible I still remember everything. I find myself looking off in the distant with a blank stare every once in awhile like I’m looking at the pool of tears that I’ve shed long ago. I never thought I could cry so much.