How do I make everyone hate me? That way, when I’m gone, nobody will miss me. I don’t want to be cared about by anyone anymore. I think it’s better if they just gave up on me. I don’t think life will ever get better. All it has shown me is that it always gets worse. Everyday is just the same routine of loneliness and self-hatred. Everyday I so desperately wish I would be left alone. Yet, at the same time, I so desperately wish someone would save me. I tend to have contradicting thoughts. That’s what makes me difficult to understand. I don’t even know if I understand myself anymore.
I’m sorry… I’m not your hero anymore.
2 comments
I know that just being here can make you feel like a burden to the people around you, but there’s no way to prevent people from missing you and being heartbroken when you’re gone. You have to know that the people who love you – family, friends, maybe some people you aren’t even aware of – will not give up on you no matter what you do, and they’re there for support.
Yeah I get those contradictions too… I say focus on the desperation of being saved, and allow yourself to accept help. You gotta reach out to people to get better, no matter how scary or pointless it feels. Family, friends, doctors, it doesn’t matter, just start talking. I’m here too if you would like to talk.
I agree with featherling, anybody who cares will not hate you. Doesn’t really matter what you do either, anybody who’s worth keeping in your life will not hate you…. But yeah don’t worry it’s perfectly normal to be hated, also perfectly normal (although unhealthy) to even go out of your way to do so…. I do wish I could say more, but I wanted to say something and hope that in some way it helps, I hope that life starts treating you better soon…. at least a little bit better