I feel like all of my life all I have really done is exist. I have been numb for years. I just dont know if I remember how to feel anything. At an early age my dad almost killed me. My mom to this day hates the person that saved my life. Great, both of my parents (the two people that should always care) want me dead. How bad was I? What kind of child I must have been that they wanted rid of me this bad. How do you trust anyone after this? I don’t… Following this was my Mom getting re-married. Now to top it off I just became a victim of daily physical abuse. I live a childhood of abuse and fear. Seriously, there is no one that I could even trust to talk to. So now I managed to go through school completely invisible. I managed to graduate and not make a single friend along the way. I cant make friends. I can’t even talk to people. What a loser. One situation and I have let it ruin my entire life. So being a lifetime loner with zero happiness does bring up the question: why live at all? I mean in all honesty I have never lived. All I have ever done is merely survive. I barely exist. All I am is a name on a payroll and a few bills. I seriously wake up daily wishing I didnt. Would anyone miss me if I were gone? I actually moved away once and no one even noticed. What a solid punch in the face. I don’t know how to keep going. Why should I? It’s not like I’ll ever be loved or cared for. It not like I enjoy this life. Just another loser that no one knew. They will throw dirt on me without a single guest to see me go.
2 comments
Hi, I know how you feel and if you need to talk i’m here 100%
You can always try to truly live? Take some time to think about things you’ve always wanted to do, and go try to do them. Maybe along the way you’ll make some connections.
Truly living is a choice, no-one finds their way automatically into that state. You’ve still got time left, and nothing to lose, so I think you should go for it. O and I’m sorry about your parents, we can never choose our relatives. If you haven’t already, maybe cut all ties with them. Clearly, they’re toxic for you.