hi guys,
New to posting here. I came across this site a few years ago looking up suicidal sayings. I’ve done a lot of lurking and reading of stories and even though I have read of much pain and suffering I have also laughed a lot at how some of you have put things. There are a lot of great senses of humor here and I bet it’s saved a lot of you and helped others stick around.
So me….well I am a bit of an enigma.I haven’t had it as bad as some of you, but I have been to the point of suicidal ideation many times. I have never made an attempt, but thought about it a lot. BUT I have also been a cheerleader for others who were suicidal or depressed being there for them…so yeah I can be the support system at times, the rock you need, but I too can be the one needing the support. I can be the one talking you away from the ledge or I can be right next to you looking down from it. I have known high highs but also the very low lows…so I know how desperate things can get.
The past two years have been by far the most difficult and I almost didn’t make it out of 2016 sane or alive. It’s the most depressed I have ever been and the closest I have come to suicide…but I am fighting and hoping for the new year to be better.
I know some people get a bad hand in life where nothing seems to go right or their way (personally,I think I was hexed at birth), and worse things and that so much happens that’s not in your control, BUT I do believe that most of your life is what YOU make of it. We get dealt the hand but it’s how we play it, the decisions we make, the choices, that make the biggest difference. It’s hard work for sure but you are in charge of your happiness, it’s your responsibility and no one else’s…others can add to your happiness and definitely take away from it, but you are in charge of it.
I am ready for 2017 to be a year of change and happiness,for the depression to lift, and go back to me being happy go lucky me which I am…..most of the time….but I also am making suicide prevention one of my focuses because it has touched me in so many ways personally. I am hugely empathetic to the struggle…I’ve been there and it’s a horrible way to spend life….I want to survive…I want others to survive…but it’s a step by step day to day process. Let’s look forward to tomorrow being a good day…nothing further than that.
jan 8, 2017
Hello Salt, not sure if you will ever read this but am writing it anyway. Here is my secret message.
When I found you and posted you were alive … I later kind of regretted it. I felt like I invaded your privacy and part of me was like ….who the hell am I?… but the thing is friendships develop on here and, for some, it’s their only friend and so people get attached to others and concerned when all of a sudden their friend stops posting. There are some that are more concerned than others, like Wittie for example, so I felt I needed to alleviate some of that concern for those feeling it… and truth be told for my own concern.
I have read many of your posts not because I am a stalker, but because when someone resonates with me I have a natural curiosity to know more about them and try to understand who they are and why they seem to be so interesting.
So I see you are a musician. I wish I had been able to hear some of your pieces because music is my favorite thing and I love to hear what people create and do with that gift. I wish I had that gift of being able to play an instrument, preferably guitar or piano as they’re my favorite. I bought an acoustic but haven’t done much with it yet. I can sing but that’s about it… so this cruel world, and I agree it is ,VERY, gives me all these beautiful tunes and melodies in my head to be held hostage there instead of giving me the gift of being able to play something and let them out. I envy that gift you have… music for me has been a life saver and my shelter from the cruelness of the world and its people many a time. I guess that’s another thing that makes me sad about you leaving this world… you have this wonderful gift that not everyone else has that you’d be taking with you away from the world. For someone like me who depends on music to help me keep existing …that thought is a real bummer….like where would I be if my rock n roll heros weren’t around to create that song that means the world to me?… the song that gave me strength to get through the tough times, and kept me going if just for another day…..where would I be if not for them and that gift?……and I bet you are a really good musician too. Not one of those types that just THINKS they are but actually suck…. I bet you are really good. Too bad I missed out on that.
I too feel like I walk this earth completely alone like I am some other species that no one understands. I don’t think like most normal people so feel misunderstood constantly and it’s frustrating as hell. I think you’re right when you say the world hits us most sensitive people the hardest and because we are so sensitive we don’t have enough to cope like others and get through shit so we turn to wanting the end cause it’s better than suffering the constant nastiness of the world. I read an article once that talked about how some humans exist that they call hypersensitives, people who feel things so much deeper than the average person… maybe that’s what suicidals are ….just a bunch of hypersensitives to a fault, roaming around and all the therapy and meds in the world will never do anything to change that innate part of them.
WE aren’t the problem, I agree. The way the world views us is…it’s one bad apple ruining the bunch mentality to mental illness too. Some can be helped and some cannot…. both have trouble coping though. If people only knew how strong we are…how hard it is to get through the dark periods knowing that they will surely be back at some point and it’s a constant vicious cycle we live and fight through daily… we are not cowards….not by a long shot… not even close. You’re not a coward and neither am I… we’re just a different species of human that nobody will ever understand but we are still valuable to this world … even if it doesn’t show it’s appreciation the way we wish it would.
Thank you for showing me the view from your spot… beautiful city view. I assume “she” is Madison… the Penn State student who jumped. I read her story a while ago…. a real shame. It’s sad that things like this happen to people who have so much promise…. but it happens…. it sucks.
Well unlike her, I hope you find something….some way or some reason to keep your feet stuck to that roof top or stuck to the ground below…. I don’t care which one it is and that you eventually come back to the forum and post some more music so I may have a chance to hear your musical capabilities…. I have much experience being a groupie so nothing would please me more 😉 , but I understand too if you don’t.
Let me see if I can leave YOU with a picture……ah yes I know just the one:
hahahaha
sending you some good vibes, some strength, and a laugh.
jadedjewel
Jan 12, 2017 “little victories”…. get ready it’s a long one!
So Salt….. you have seemingly completely disappeared… now whether that means you have just stopped journaling for now (since I blew your cover and …and …well I don’t know…maybe you are bummed I ruined your special place for you???) OR you are taking another hiatus from actively posting for the time being OR if your have finally gone and completed your suicide this time round….you know which one I prefer.
Ya know….I think about movies like It’s a Wonderful Life and I think about how people are connected…like how George gets shown what life would have been like if he’d never been born and his brother dies cause he wasn’t there to save him from drowning, and the pharmacist drugs the kid cause he wasn’t there to catch the mistake the guy made, and Mary never marries,etc… what if that’s what Life is about? What if THAT is the meaning of Life? What if the whole point is NOT to be hugely successful, not to be blissfully happy all the time, not to have some big time, fancy career, getting rich, having financial freedom, to have this amazing fairytale life…. what if it’s simply that we are born to cross the path of a certain person ….to intersect with them and somehow change the course of someone else’s life….that we are merely stepping stones for one another to whatever is meant to be?
Dave….. let me tell you a story and it’s 100% true. I was casually dating this guy named Dave years ago. He worked with my brother in law and so we got fixed up and hung out a few times. He was fairly good looking, great sense of humor, and seemed fun… but liked to drink… but that was what helped make him fun too I think, truth be told. He was looking to settle down and have kids, wanted that SO badly, and a previous long term relationship he had recently ended so he was just wallowing in self pity drowning his sorrows.
Dave called me one night and I could tell he was drunk: slurring his words, mumbling…and he sounded so depressed. It was late and he was asking me to come over. Now to be honest, I thought it was just a ploy to get me over to his house so he could put the moves on me, so being that he was drunk and I not wanting to be in THAT position, I kept trying to put him off… kept telling him he should go to bed, he’d feel better in the morning… He kept saying “no Jadedjewel… I need help…please come over… please…PLEASE!” and I promised him I’d see him the following week and that we could talk then and he then said,”No…..no next week will be too late… I need help… I need help now. I really need to talk to someone now….next week will be too late.”
Now this scared me because I didn’t know him well enough to know if this was him just being drunk and stupid or if he was seriously thinking of harming himself and this was a cry for help…..and it scared the hell out of me! Luckily I didn’t live far from him and because he sounded like he might do something I felt I had to go to him. I told him I was coming and to just wait for me outside and I sped to his house.
I found him on his front steps drinking a glass of scotch which I promptly took away from him saying, “ok you won’t be needing this anymore … not doing you any good or helping matters.” and dumped it out on his lawn. Inside the house we went to talk and soon he was knelt in front of me, arms around my waist, holding on to me for dear life with his head bawling into my lap. I encouraged him as I soothed him by rubbing his back and my hands through his hair, that all the things he wanted he could obtain… the wife, the kids, but he had to work at it, he needed to stop drinking so much and really work hard at those goals.
After talking he calmed down a bit, but he didn’t want to be alone and asked if I would stay the night, promising me he wouldn’t try anything, he begged me to stay and I felt like I had to at least see him through the night so I did….I stayed and just cuddled with him til the following morning. Of course in the morning he sobered up, was humiliated and profusely apologized for what he “put me through”. I made sure he felt ok enough for me to leave and left …and that was the last time I ever spoke to him. He is now sober, married, with two daughters….. Now I am not so arrogant to think he’s alive because of ME… but I hate to think what might’ve happened had I not gone to him that night. Like I said, I didn’t know him that well, but if I hadn’t gone and he had tried to hurt himself or succeeded in suicide that night I would’ve felt guilty for the rest of my life… how could I have lived with that as I never would’ve been able forgive myself?
But what if….. what if my purpose for being put on this earth WAS simply to be there for Dave that night? To stop him from committing suicide?………
Maybe it really is that simple and we are expecting far more than we should and making it more difficult than it has to be.
Maybe it’s more about….little victories… the littlest things we do that make the big differences and THAT is what matters… that is what our purpose is? Helping our fellow man in good times and bad and maybe we are over thinking the whole damn project and THAT’S why everything is so screwed up in this world. Things don’t have to be so complicated but we always seem to make them so…. and end up struggling through this thing called life scarred and tortured….Why do we make it so hard?
Jadedjewel
Jan 19, 2017
“worry… why do I let my self worry.”
I don’t know why I keep writing here Salt….I could be writing to your ghost for all I know… I don’t care. Maybe cuz I am a lot like you more than I am even aware. There is something to be said of having a place to vent verbally without everyone commenting…. a place to unload your private thoughts, but in a place less likely to be found by someone else…. I get it …I really do.
I don’t check your secret journal anymore cause it just makes me sad to see nothing past your original response to me… it makes me …. to be really honest…..regretful. I am sorry if I ruined your coping mechanism… I feel really shitty about that. Fuck I really am an asshole for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. I never should’ve said anything to anyone. I am so sorry.
I wonder if we both have a thing where we want to be positive for people, but when we sink to our deepest lows we can’t show it… like we have too much pride. I know I definitely do… I don’t feel as comfortable posting when I am at my worst, cause I try to be so positive on here and try to help people cope. It’s like an addiction I have to want to help people, so here, rather than be comfortable commiserating posting all my pain and suffering in such detail in original posts like so many others do, I instead lurk and read of others pain and suffering and respond post mostly to give words of encouragement. Some people say my words are comforting and they could just be saying that, I don’t know. But it makes me feel good none the less, not really as a benefit to me but that THEY have benefited from something I said…. does that make sense? Like I don’t care how I feel, it’s about how they feel after what I’ve said… that is what pleases me. And don’t get me wrong. I know most of what I say probably goes in one ear and out the other and they are back feeling suicidal like our conversation never happened the next day or even an hour later, but I think again along the lines of little victories…. if something I say makes or helps a person get through one more day of their pain not feeling SO bad as to end their life or put off their suicide, I have succeeded in what I set out to do and am happy with that. I feel good for them.
Like you, Salt, I have this and always have had this “want to save the world” mentality. It sounds like you have taken it to way more extremes than I have… me working by far on a much smaller scale than you according to what I have read… but our feelings and goals are very much the same in a lot of ways… the dream that we want the world to be a better place.
Maybe you and I are some angelic like beings put on this earth to be tortured trying to do the impossible, but we can’t not try… it’s who we are and so we go about tirelessly aiming for our goal to a fault. Maybe we are “special” in ways others aren’t and so we are like this…. over achiever types thinking we are here for this BIG purpose and have to succeed in this quest… well I am not an overachiever, but I tend to bite off way more than I can chew… you get what I am saying I’m sure…. maybe it’s all just delusions of grandeur. Hahaha …..I don’t know.
I went to sleep the other night thinking of you and your whereabouts if you are ok and still alive and the next morning I woke up thinking of you and your whereabouts if you were ok and still alive…. which is bizarre. Never have I done that in regards to someone I have never met and had so little contact with…. it sounds crazy, insane, and creepy I know, but it’s the truth…. there’s a vibe I can’t shake from you. I wish I could in a way because it comes with a lot of feelings of despair, forlorn, and sadness. I am chalking it up to the empath in me cause there’s no other way for me to explain it. I am not nearly as eloquent with words as you so I won’t even try. 😉
So I am a child of the 80’s and was listening to some music from my youth from the ” hair band ” days ( I think we are fairly close in age , same decade I think anyway so you probably know what I am talking about by hair band) and was listening to a song which I will leave off this entry with:
“To Be Alive”
I know you don’t believe it
Like I believe it
Oh no, it’s not your thought
You sit alone inside a room
Wait for the world to come to you
They never do
It must be something that you can’t let go
It hurts that you won’t let me know
Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
I hold on to this moment
Any time is right to be alive
And then in conversation
I love the way you mention
Nothing’s ever gone your way
With a hammer in your hand
You spell out a master plan
We never learn
It must be somebody holding your heart
Something that tears us apart
Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
I hold on to this moment
Any time is right to be alive
And I don’t think that it’s right
To let love pass by
Any time of life
It’s good to be alive
Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
Yes, every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help what I feel
But it sure feels real
I wanna hold on to this moment
Cause babe it sure feels right
To be alive
To be alive
To be alive
Made me think of your struggle…. god I hope you are still with us Salt. 🙁
Jadedjewel
26 comments
Urgle. You appear to be a bright light. Ah, but are you the light at the end of tunnel or the oncoming train? Guiding star or ICBM? Nova or supernova? Liver or onions?
Only Salt can tell. I trust his instincts. But, for god’s sake, don’t mention trombones when he’s around!
Anyway, velcomb!
There’s no light at the end of my tunnel. So I close my eyes and smack my eyeballs a few times. Voila, more lights than I know what to do with.
By the way jj, SS is our resident comedian. With him around we’ll all die laughing. Or so we hope.
Laughing to the point of asphyxiation? Man I wish. Eddie Izzard’s Dressed to Kill special almost did it to me. Been years since I laughed that hard.
I am not the resident comic! I’m more the resident humorist. Salt’s too young to know the difference and he never bought the brochure:
Send $5 to:
SP Secret FAQ
PO Box BR-549
Hollywood, CA 97002
I am the sunshine that is constantly interrupted by dark clouds…that’s what I am.
“a cheerleader for others who were suicidal”
For some reason that wording cracked me up. 2, 4, 6, 8… we will now asphyxiate.
I just had to share that.
You brought up something really interesting that I’ve wondered about people who end up on this site. Is life ALL razors & nooses? Or do you occasionally have doses of happiness? Your post reminded me of my attitude before life bottomed out, almost like I sensed it was coming and had a deep familiarity with the horror of suicide, but I was still happy in general, able to bounce back more readily than stumble.
I think people like that can come back. I think *you* can come back. If you once felt a certain way, happy for example, then you have the capacity to feel it again. And if you’re willing to fight for it, that’s the other half of the battle. Good luck jj. I don’t want to see you around here ever again 😉
Dude, life is life. It is fixed. We have filters and suspicious brain patterns that interpret it. I know you know that I know that you know this.
Nacl, me boy, maybe I haven’t read enough of your posts but I have no freaking idea what eats you up so much. Agh, you may feel incapable of sharing. It’s none of my business. I don’t know why I find your leathery brain interesting. If you need a ride in March, let me know; I’ll be out and about.
I’ve been very careful to never disclose what brought me here, that sad, rainy night in 2012 when NBC canceled “Betty White’s Off Their Rockers”. Oh shit I just spilled the beans.
Do any of us really have reasons for being suicidal? Or we just latch on to excuses?
I’ve noticed you, yourself, are pretty vague about what’s eating you up. And jadedjewel (holy crap I just got your username, that’s frickin clever!!), you opened by admitting you’re an enigma, and you didn’t exactly pinpoint 1 reason for your suicidal thoughts.
Could it be that most of us, if not all of us, are suicidal simply because that’s our personality? And when life throws turds at us, our personalities are such that we shift into suicide mode? Maybe that’s what you’re saying, SS. Life is fixed, and it’s our brain patterns that make it into good or bad, pleasant or painful, happy or suicidal.
OK, fair enough. What makes me suicidal is that I was born that way. I’ve latched onto various reasons my entire life. I’ve made peace with so many things in my past yet the desire to die remains.
So it’s pretty hypocritical for me to look at you and think it must be X, Y, or Z. Of course, you are suicidal because you are a complete loon.
For me I think it’s a combination of genetics, experiences in life, and personality all rolled into one hot mess.
I haven’t had it nearly as hard as some others. I didnt come from a broken home, decent parents,fairly decent relationships with my four siblings, have/had friends, had boyfriends, have no debilitating disorders, held jobs until recently, haven’t experienced any major trauma like rape or molestation that I am aware of…but have had bouts of depression as far back as 12 and sometimes wish I didn’t exist….maybe it’s just “in” people and gets triggered like a bad temper. Sometimes feel like I don’t matter…people make me feel that way sometimes…family,friends ,boyfriends. I am so good to people and they treat me like shit….always have been the better friend….always. I am hugely sympathetic and empathetic even more so but it gets me screwed over a lot.
There is mental illness pretty preventally on my mother’s side. She suffers from depression and was an alcoholic, her father committed suicide when she was young, her brother has schizophrenia and my cousin his grand daughter is too…and those are just the ones I know of. My brother…. he has some major issues. Rage and anger management problems. Definitely has some sort of personality disorder for sure but I think might be bipolar too…he’s just a miserable person which I don’t have a relationship with much.
So the whole thing might just be genetics…I got all the bad ones in the family there is to get it seems.
SeeSmith: Well now that you mention it, Z has always pissed me off. X & Y are symmetrical. But here comes Z thinking he can do his own thing. I can’t live with that anymore.
JJ: Hell yes, I think genetics has a lot to do with it. But just like they tell you in biology class, it’s a combination of both parents. So even though your mother’s genes have mental disorder, if your father’s genes are stable I think it might balance you out (and of course make you a bipolar mess).
With me, my mom side are warriors & fighters (literally servicemen & war heroes) who never say die. My dad’s side is the exact opposite: victims and depressed types but no one with the guts to do anything about it, whether it’s fighting or suicide.
And I’ve learned that I am the perfect, disastrous mix of the two: I have all the depression of my dad’s side, but with the emotional fury and strength of my mom’s side, all of which makes me ripe to put a rifle in my mouth and pull the trigger.
A while back there was an SP member who went by the name Ant. He spoke of how suicide is never a choice, it’s an inevitable reaction to events, based on a person’s core personality. In May, he deleted all his posts and killed himself (according to funeral notices). Did he prove his point? I feel like he did, and it’s really frightening.
Still I’m not sure if there is an inevitable suicide gene. I tend to think that the suicide gene is a combination of emotional volatility and fearlessness (or lack of survival instinct). By itself, it could go in any direction. Under the right circumstances, it could make a great artist, entrepreneur, or even a leader. But under the wrong circumstances like bullying, oppression, poverty or grief, just like Ant said, there’s no helping you.
I didnt know Ant was gone. RIP.
Yeah Salt you and I seem very similar. I too have the fighting spirit but also am emotional and sensitive. My parental heritage is the opposite of yours though. My dad’s side has the fighters, mom has the wimps. I think alcoholism is on both parents sides but dad’s side seems more mentally stable, but not sure completely. I do seem to be an exact mix of both parents for sure with both good and bad traits more so than my siblings. I don’t think I am bipolar or if I am it’s a mild form. I have never been to a therapist or had a psychiatric evaluation ever. My sister once suggested it when I was in my teens. I can’t remember what prompted that exactly but I was no where near how I feel now. The only psychiatric med I have ever taken is citalopram for some anxiety which did seem to help with anxiety issue and when I get pissed there is less of a rage feeling when on it. I am hoping my severe depression was more situational than physical or chemical and now that I am almost completely through that period it will lift and I can go back to the far more manageable blue mood once in awhile…..I know wishful thinking probably but I truly wasn’t all doom and gloom all my life. I just need to get back to feeling like that person again.
I think you can get back to that person again, JJ. So can I. Just keep reminding yourself that your period of hell was situational, and when the situation lifts then there is no reason why you can’t spring back.
One thing that every one of us has to be wary of, is the phenomenon of “learned helplessness”. Just like learning how to ride a bike, or learning your multiplication tables, things that you will never forget how to do, I think it’s possible to learn how to be helpless. and once you have that “skill”, it will be very easy to fall back in times of distress.
I think that’s the real reason why so many people get trapped in a depression that they can’t escape.
So I think it’s awesome that 2017 presents a brighter opportunity for you. Keep reminding yourself that the sucky years do not define you 🙂
Lol yes you two: salt and seesmith have been two of my favorite posters while lurking and were who I was thinking of when I mentioned people with great senses of humor on here. Right now I am on the sunnier side of things,but history has proven I get a 2 week reprieve from the shit storm my life usually is, and then it’s back to hell on earth…but I have decided that 2017 is going to be the year I actively try to change that because,to be honest, I can be my own worst enemy and have been a lot lately with decisions I have made or not made as the case may be. Tired of feeling like crap and depressed as I have been the last 2 years. Some has been my fault but a lot not and I made it through a really bad period…but the point is I did make it with very little incentive to. That’s got to count for something,right? Besides, sometimes I get on my own nerves with all the brooding…whether any of this makes sense I don’t know, but it’s where I am currently at and it’s better than looking for the measuring tape to measure the height of my back deck.;)
Being depressed is never ever your fault! No one deserves to be depressed. No one chooses to be depressed. I can’t say this enough!
So very many of us were raised with these completely idiotic and false ideas: If you can’t bring yourself to work or go to school then you’re lazy… If you’re depressed then it’s a character flaw… If you can’t read your par+net’s mind you’re defective…
My dad, bless him, taught me: if you could have done better, been better, felt better would you have chosen it? OF COURSE!
Therefore, through the tears and pain, through the dark days and darker nights, you were doing the best you could. You weren’t lacking. You weren’t defective. You weren’t guilty. You had a tangible mind state that stopped you from progressing.
I’m SO glad you are walking in the light. Yes, let the darkness passed motivate you, but never think you could have done better.
I don’t blame myself completely, but have made some mistakes that I hold myself accountable for, but believe me, it only makes up 1/10 of the issue. Most of my life the depression has come and gone like the wind. Only recently has it become more like clinical depression. Usually I can pull myself out of a funk or blue mood period but this time I don’t seem to be able to. I have the best of intentions of doing so in 2017 though. Thinking about therapy as I may need some extra help. I never tried that before.
Oh and Salt, I meant cheerleader as urging the suicidal person to stick around not urge them to go through with ending it, but your cheer made me laugh none the less.
Haha I eventually figured that out. I’m a sucky reader and certain words jump out at me, so when I saw “suicidal” and “cheerleader” my mind drifted off to someone with pom poms yelling “jump! jump! YYAaaaaAAAY jump!”
I enjoy your post 🙂 And i’m in complete agreement with you! good post!
It’s so much easier to blame others isn’t it? Sometimes others are to blame for what brings you here to the dark places, but it’s up to YOU if you dwell in that dark place. They aren’t making you stay in bed for days, not eat, become reclusive…that’s on you and sometimes you have to kick yourself in the butt to break out of that and it’s really difficult but you do it cause you can’t stand the alternative anymore. You don’t have to let being a victim define you, make you into something or someone you don’t want to be. No one deserves that power in your life.
What is the red ribbon by my name supposed to represent? It just appeared and I’m curious? Anyone know?
The red ribbon means that you’re the 100,000th member of SP.
Ok, the red ribbon shows every time the OP makes a comment on their own post 🙂
jk on that 100,000th bit 😛
Hey _darkness thanks for the knowledge….I thought I was in trouble like blackballed or something for posting too often or something or like wearing a scarlet letter or something. ” you have been warned!”….. came back to this post for some inspiration from Salt and SeeSmith that was given to me when I first came on the scene here. I feel my sunny side slipping away and the darkness coming in behind it. I am hoping reading my own words will kick me into shape as well….we’ll see.
I hear my name every time it is spoken in shadow.
Well I was broken out of my funk briefly by my niece and her breakup… she called me and asked I come over…. she is like my own kid so I said “of course!” Got out of bed and showered for the first time in a week and over I went and spent a few days…. that’s who I am… Super Jadedjewel to the rescue… this is what I do best…. being people’s rock…. suffice it to say it felt good to feel and be needed.