New girl here

hi guys,

New to posting here. I came across this site a few years ago looking up suicidal sayings. I’ve done a lot of lurking and reading of stories and even though I have read of much pain and suffering I have also laughed a lot at how some of you have put things. There are a lot of great senses of humor here and I bet it’s saved a lot of you and helped others stick around.

So me….well I am a bit of an enigma.I haven’t had it as bad as some of you, but I have been to the point of suicidal ideation many times. I have never made an attempt, but thought about it a lot. BUT I have also been a cheerleader for others who were suicidal or depressed being there for them…so yeah I can be the support system at times, the rock you need, but I too can be the one needing the support. I can be the one talking you away from the ledge or I can be right next to you looking down from it. I have known high highs but also the very low lows…so I know how desperate things can get.

The past two years have been by far the most difficult and I almost didn’t make it out of 2016 sane or alive. It’s the most depressed I have ever been and the closest I have come to suicide…but I am fighting and hoping for the new year to be better.

I know some people get a bad hand in life where nothing seems to go right or their way (personally,I think I was hexed at birth), and worse things and that so much happens that’s not in your control, BUT I do believe that most of your life is what YOU make of it. We get dealt the hand but it’s how we play it, the decisions we make, the choices, that make the biggest difference. It’s hard work for sure but you are in charge of your happiness, it’s your responsibility and no one else’s…others can add to your happiness and definitely take away from it, but you are in charge of it.

I am ready for 2017 to be a year of change and happiness,for the depression to lift, and go back to me being happy go lucky me which I am…..most of the time….but I also am making suicide prevention one of my focuses because it has touched me in so many ways personally. I am hugely empathetic to the struggle…I’ve been there and it’s a horrible way to spend life….I want to survive…I want others to survive…but it’s a step by step day to day process. Let’s look forward to tomorrow being a good day…nothing further than that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

jan 8, 2017

Hello Salt, not sure if you will ever read this but am writing it anyway.  Here is my secret message.

When I found you and posted you were alive … I later kind of regretted it.  I felt like I invaded your privacy  and part of me was like ….who the hell am I?… but the thing is friendships develop on here and, for some, it’s their only friend and so people get attached to others and concerned when all of a sudden their friend stops posting. There are some that are more concerned than others, like Wittie for example, so I felt I needed to alleviate some of that concern for those feeling it… and truth be told for my own concern.

 

I have read many of your posts not because I am a stalker, but because when someone resonates with me I have a natural curiosity to know more about them and try to understand who they are and why they seem to be so interesting.

 

So I see you are a musician. I wish I had been able to hear some of your pieces because music is my favorite thing and I love to hear what people create and do with that gift. I wish I had that gift of being able to play an instrument, preferably guitar or piano as they’re my favorite.  I bought an acoustic but haven’t done much with it yet. I can sing but that’s about it… so this cruel world, and I agree it is ,VERY, gives me all these beautiful tunes and melodies in my head to be held hostage there instead of giving me the gift of being able to play something and let them out. I envy that gift you have… music for me has been a life saver and my shelter from the cruelness of the world  and its people many a time. I guess that’s another thing that makes me sad about you leaving this world… you have this wonderful gift that not everyone else has that you’d be taking with you away from the world. For someone like me who depends on music to help me keep existing …that thought is a real bummer….like where would I be if my rock n roll heros weren’t around to create that song that means the world to me?… the song that gave me strength to get through the tough times, and kept me going if just for another day…..where would I be if not for them and that gift?……and I bet you are a really good musician too. Not one of those types that just THINKS they are but actually suck…. I bet you are really good. Too bad I missed out on that.

 

I too feel like I walk this earth completely alone like I am some other species that no one understands. I don’t think like most normal people so feel misunderstood constantly and it’s frustrating as hell. I think you’re right when you say the world hits us most sensitive people the hardest and because we are so sensitive we don’t have enough to cope like others and get through shit so we turn to wanting the end cause it’s better than suffering the constant nastiness of the world. I read an article once that talked about how some humans exist that they call hypersensitives, people who feel things so much deeper than the average person… maybe that’s what suicidals are ….just a bunch of hypersensitives to a fault, roaming around and all the therapy and meds  in the world will never do anything to change that innate part of them.

 

WE aren’t the problem, I agree. The way the world views us is…it’s one bad apple ruining the bunch mentality to mental illness too. Some can be helped and some cannot…. both have trouble coping though. If people only knew how strong we are…how hard it is to get through the dark periods knowing that they will surely be back at some point and it’s a constant vicious cycle we live and fight through daily… we are not cowards….not by a long shot… not even close. You’re not a coward and neither am I… we’re just a different species of human that nobody will ever understand but we are still valuable to this world … even if it doesn’t show it’s appreciation the way we wish it would.

 

Thank you for showing me the view from your spot… beautiful city view. I assume “she” is Madison… the Penn State student who jumped. I read her story a while ago…. a real shame. It’s sad that things like this happen to people who have so much promise…. but it happens…. it sucks.

Well unlike her, I hope you find something….some way or some reason to keep your feet stuck to that roof top or stuck to the ground below…. I don’t care which one it is and that you eventually come back to the forum and post some  more music so I may have a chance to hear your musical capabilities….  I have much experience being a groupie so nothing would please me more 😉 , but I understand too if you don’t.

 

Let me see if I can leave YOU with a picture……ah yes I know just the one:

 

 

 

 

 

hahahaha

sending you some good vibes, some strength, and a laugh.

jadedjewel

 

Jan 12, 2017 “little victories”…. get ready it’s a long one!

So Salt….. you have seemingly completely disappeared… now whether that means you have just stopped journaling for now (since I blew your cover and …and …well I don’t know…maybe you are bummed I ruined your special place for you???) OR  you are taking another hiatus from actively posting for the time being OR if your have finally gone and completed your suicide this time round….you know which one I prefer.

Ya know….I think about movies like It’s a Wonderful Life and I think about how people are connected…like how George gets shown what life would have been like if he’d never been born and his brother dies cause he wasn’t there to save him from drowning, and the pharmacist drugs the kid cause he wasn’t there to catch the mistake the guy made, and Mary never marries,etc… what if that’s what Life is about? What if THAT is the meaning of Life? What if the whole point is NOT to be hugely successful, not to be blissfully happy all the time, not to have some big time, fancy career, getting rich, having financial freedom, to have this amazing fairytale life…. what if it’s simply that we are born to cross the path of a certain person ….to intersect with them and somehow change  the course of someone else’s life….that we are merely stepping stones for one another to whatever is meant to be?

 

Dave….. let me tell you a story and it’s 100% true. I was casually dating this guy named Dave years ago. He worked with my brother in law and so we got fixed up and hung out a few times. He was fairly good looking, great sense of humor, and seemed fun… but liked to drink… but that was what helped make him fun too I think, truth be told. He was looking to settle down and have kids, wanted that SO badly, and a previous long term relationship he had recently ended so he was just wallowing in self pity drowning his sorrows.

Dave called me one night and I could tell he was drunk: slurring his words, mumbling…and he sounded so depressed. It was late and he was asking me to come over. Now to be honest, I thought it was just a ploy to get me over to his house so he could put the moves on me, so being that he was drunk and I not wanting to be in THAT position, I kept trying to put him off… kept telling him he should go to bed, he’d feel better in the morning… He kept saying “no Jadedjewel… I need help…please come over… please…PLEASE!” and I promised him I’d see him the following week and that we could talk then and he then said,”No…..no next week will be too late… I need help… I need help now. I really need to talk to someone now….next week will be too late.”

 

Now this scared me because I didn’t know him well enough to know if this was him just being drunk and stupid or if he was seriously thinking of harming himself  and this was a cry for help…..and it scared the hell out of me! Luckily I didn’t live far from him and because he sounded like he might do something I felt I had to go to him. I told him I was coming and to just wait for me outside and I sped to his house.

 

I found him on his front steps drinking  a glass of scotch which I promptly took away from him saying, “ok you won’t be needing this anymore … not doing you any good or helping matters.” and dumped it out on his lawn. Inside the house we went  to talk and soon he was knelt in front of me, arms around my waist, holding on to me for dear life with his head bawling into my lap. I encouraged him  as I soothed him by rubbing his back and my hands through his hair, that all the things he wanted he could obtain… the wife, the kids, but he had to work at it, he needed to stop drinking so much and really work hard at those goals.

 

After talking he calmed down a bit, but he didn’t want to be alone and asked if I would stay the night, promising me he wouldn’t try anything, he begged me to stay and I felt like I had to at least see him through the night so I did….I stayed and just cuddled with him til  the following morning. Of course in the morning he sobered up, was humiliated and profusely apologized for what he “put me through”. I made sure he felt ok enough for me to leave and left …and that was the last time I ever spoke to him. He is now sober, married, with two daughters….. Now I am not so arrogant to think he’s alive because of ME… but I hate to think what might’ve happened had I not gone to him that night. Like I said, I didn’t know him that well, but if I hadn’t gone and he had tried to hurt himself or succeeded in suicide that night I would’ve felt guilty for the rest of my life… how could I have lived with that as I never would’ve been able forgive myself?

 

But what if….. what if my purpose for being put on this earth WAS simply to be there for Dave that night? To stop him from committing suicide?………

Maybe it really is that simple and we are expecting far more than we should and making it more difficult than it has to be.

 

Maybe it’s more about….little victories… the littlest things we do that make the big differences and THAT is what matters… that is what our purpose is? Helping our fellow man in good times and bad and maybe we are over thinking the whole damn project and THAT’S why everything is so screwed up in this world. Things don’t have to be so complicated but we always seem to make them so…. and end up struggling through this thing called life scarred and tortured….Why do we make it so hard?

Jadedjewel

 

 

Jan 19, 2017

“worry… why do I let my self worry.”

I don’t know why I keep writing here Salt….I could be writing to your ghost for all I know… I don’t care. Maybe cuz I am a lot like you more than I am even aware. There is something to be said of having a place to vent verbally without everyone commenting…. a place to unload your private thoughts, but in a place less likely to be found by someone else….  I get it …I really do.

I don’t check your secret journal  anymore cause it just makes me sad to see nothing past your original response to me… it makes me …. to be really honest…..regretful. I am sorry if I ruined your coping mechanism… I feel really shitty about that. Fuck I  really am an asshole  for sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. I never should’ve said anything to anyone. I am so sorry.

I wonder if we both have a thing where we want to be positive for people, but when we sink to our deepest lows we can’t show it… like we have too much pride. I know I definitely do… I don’t feel as comfortable posting when I am at my worst, cause I try to be so positive on here and try to help people cope. It’s like an addiction I have to want to help people, so here, rather than be comfortable commiserating posting all my pain and suffering in such detail in original posts like so many others do, I instead lurk and read of others pain and suffering and respond post mostly to give words of encouragement. Some people say my words are comforting and they could just be saying that, I don’t know. But it makes me feel good none the less, not really  as a benefit to me but that THEY have benefited from something I said…. does that make sense? Like I don’t care how I feel, it’s about how they feel after what I’ve said… that  is what pleases me. And don’t get me wrong. I know most of what I say probably goes in one ear and out the other and they are back feeling suicidal like our conversation never happened the next day or even an hour later, but I think again along the lines of little victories…. if something I say makes or helps a person get through one more day of their pain not feeling SO bad as to end their life  or put off their suicide, I have succeeded in what I set out to do and am happy with that. I feel good for them.

 

Like you, Salt, I have this and always have had this “want to save the world” mentality. It sounds like you have taken it to way more extremes than I have… me working by far on a much smaller scale than you according to what I have read… but our feelings  and goals are very much the same in a lot of ways…  the dream that we want the world to be a better place.

Maybe you and I are some angelic like beings put on this earth to be tortured trying to do the impossible, but we can’t not try…  it’s who we are and so we go about tirelessly aiming for our goal to a fault. Maybe we are “special” in ways others aren’t and so we are like this…. over achiever types thinking we are here for this BIG purpose and have to succeed in this quest… well I am not an overachiever,  but I tend to bite off way more than I can chew… you get what I am saying I’m sure…. maybe it’s all  just delusions of grandeur.  Hahaha …..I don’t know.

I went to sleep the other night thinking of you and your whereabouts if you are ok and still alive and the next morning I woke up thinking of you and your whereabouts if you were ok and still alive…. which is bizarre. Never have I done that in regards to someone I have never met and had so little contact with…. it sounds crazy, insane, and creepy I know, but it’s the truth…. there’s a vibe I can’t shake from you. I wish I could in a way because it comes with a lot of feelings of despair, forlorn, and sadness. I am chalking it up to the empath in me cause there’s no other way for me to explain it. I am not nearly as eloquent with words as you so I won’t even try. 😉

So I am a child of the 80’s and was listening  to some music from my youth from the ” hair band ” days ( I think we are fairly close in age , same decade I think anyway so you probably know what I am talking about by hair band) and was listening to a song which I will leave off this entry with:

“To Be Alive”

I know you don’t believe it
Like I believe it
Oh no, it’s not your thought
You sit alone inside a room
Wait for the world to come to you
They never do

It must be something that you can’t let go
It hurts that you won’t let me know
Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
I hold on to this moment
Any time is right to be alive

And then in conversation
I love the way you mention
Nothing’s ever gone your way
With a hammer in your hand
You spell out a master plan
We never learn

It must be somebody holding your heart
Something that tears us apart
Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
I hold on to this moment
Any time is right to be alive

And I don’t think that it’s right
To let love pass by
Any time of life
It’s good to be alive

Every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help to be myself
Yes, every time you want to
Any time I touch you
I can’t help what I feel
But it sure feels real
I wanna hold on to this moment
Cause babe it sure feels right
To be alive
To be alive
To be alive

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Made me think of your struggle…. god I hope you are still with us Salt. 🙁

Jadedjewel