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Please help..

by Teddy Bear
written by Teddy Bear

Hello.  I just joined this site.  I really need help and there is no where to get it.  Please?  What do I do…

I’m so depressed and stressed out.  I’ll be losing my job soon because I was hired on as temporary, my fiancee is having problems with his disorder, Borderline Personality, and my parents don’t believe in depression/aren’t really there in my life.

I have no friends.  It has gotten to the point that I now ask random strangers that I’ve only had one conversation with to be my friends.

I’ve gained a lot of weight.  I have been meaning to get a gym membership but I have no money at the moment.
It’s just hard to look and stand so strong when I feel like my legs are going to give out.  I’m holding everyone’s problem above me with broken arms.  I can’t keep acting like everything is okay because it’s not.

He says it’s his disorder, but my fiancee doesn’t even want me sexually anymore.  I’m just so useless.

My mother was an abusive woman with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I have episodes/flashbacks and nightmares about her.  Sometimes when my fiancee is yelling at me and I’m staring him in the eyes, I feel like I did when I was with my mother.  I start crying and he usually stops yelling, but my heart stills aches and I still feel hurt.

I gave up everything for him.  EVERYTHING.  I love him, I really do.  But this is all driving me to suicide.  I think about it daily.  He has a lot of prescription medicines that I have contemplated taking large quantities of.

I have called the suicide hotline (1800suicide) 3 times this past week.

I really don’t know what to do.  I can’t tell anyone I’m so hurt.  No one will listen.  I have no money to go see a doctor or even get my gym membership.  My fiancee is oblivious…

I REALLY, REALLY NEED HELP.  PLEASE.  PLEASE I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I’m so alone.  The physical pain rages on under my skin.  Everything hurts.  I just want it all to stop.  I just want everything to go away.  I just want to stop feeling forever, because all ideas of hope are gone.  I’ve tried making more money.  I have two jobs now and my plan was to keep them before I found out I am getting laid off.  I’ve tried making friends, but none of them stick.  I’ve tried understanding my fiancee has a serious disorder… But he seems to forget that I lived through my mom having the same disorder.

 

They are exactly the same now… Do I just keep running away from them?  Or at this point, should I just stop running once and for all?

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7 comments

SuicideKillMe 8/11/2011 - 3:57 pm

i can help o; i find myself pretty useless and i gave up hope a long while ago, but maybe i could do something.

Teddy Bear 8/11/2011 - 3:59 pm

how? :/

SuicideKillMe 8/11/2011 - 4:02 pm

well tell me what to do then i will do it express yourself emotional to me ish hear to listen although i try to find help and they fail terriblly but i can try o;

Teddy Bear 8/11/2011 - 4:10 pm

everything just feels so hopeless. its like things will never get any better. I’m just running in place.

I have a list of things that I want to do that will make me feel a little better… but because of my fiancee’s disorder all he does is sleep and I need his help.

I want to fix up our bedroom. I’ve been sleeping on a couch because it’s a huge mess. I cleaned the bathroom but there are things that still need to be done.

I just want to sit and relax in a cozy place. I really look forward to Christmas so that I can decorate the tree and light good smelling candles and watch holiday shows/movies… The thought makes me so happy. To look outside and see the cold air blowing around… I dream about it.

But everything is dark now. The room is filthy. I have no money. It’s been so hot outside. Now I’m just alone. No one to go hang out with. Not even my fiancee. All I do is work and come home and sleep.

It’s like even though I’m still here, I’m slowing fading away and people are reacting just as you would expect them to: By not noticing.

SuicideKillMe 8/11/2011 - 4:50 pm

if you have too much stuff start a yard sell to earn some extra money and keep it in a safe place like a piggy bank or a jar so if you need anything you would always have spare change. Maybe it will help improve the living conditions. Also try taking a breal from work once in awhile. take you and your fiancee out have a good yime ignore the problems that are bothering you and focus on some little fun ^ -^

Syldra 8/11/2011 - 11:49 pm

I feel pain hearing this and I’m praying things get better for you…you deserve so much happiness in your life.

If you want to talk privately, please just send me an email at Jessica-castle@hotmail.com

If you want to talk about anything, just send me an email. <3

Stay strong please…please. <3

RogueShadow1281 8/12/2011 - 7:29 am

Hello Teddy bear I know a girl who nicknamed me that anyways hi how are you damn that sucks I wish I could help but lately I can’t help myself. You cry to ur fiancée, I’ve lost the ability to cry. I either laugh or stare with sadness instead…

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