Just wish I would die in my sleep

I dunno if this is an ok place for me to post this, but I need to get my feelings out.

I’m not suicidal.  Not really.  I’ve got too strong of a self – preservation instinct to actually try anything myself.   But I desperately wish that weren’t the case.  I wish I wasn’t afraid of killing myself.

Mostly, I often just wish I could never wakeup one night.  No warning.  Just…slip off as I’m dreaming.   I don’t have anything positive in my life.  My first love, who I met when I was 21, turned out to be incredibly abusive.  He choked me, raped me, beat me, psychologically tortured me. I’m a year out of that situation, exactly one year in a week, and I’m just stuck back living with my parents.  I don’t have any friends and don’t really leave the house.   Haven’t been able to find a job(it’s been a month since I even got a call back from somewhere I applied to), got rejected from grad school.  I’m an utter, abject failure like he said I would be.

I’m struggling from PTSD, and after looking at old diagnostic assessments my psych agrees that chances are I’m autistic on top of that.  

The worst part of where I am is that I just can’t believe in anything.  How can I ever trust another person, when the first friend I made in nearly 10 years did this to me?   I want to believe in God, but how can I when *this* is my life?   How can I believe there is anything resembling goodness in this world, whether it’s a kind person who will love me or a God?

I see nothing but a wasteland full of hatred and anger and hostility.  I feel useless.   And I’m disappointed every time I wake up, because I know I’ll never be able to even attempt to end my life myself.