There’s almost no point anymore. My parents are never happy with anything I do. I have never been good enough for them. When I was a child an A wasn’t good enough bc it wasn’t an A+. They are sending me to a shrink bc they are christian and I’m an atheist.And they think my sexual orientation is disgusting. The man I love is in a completely different state, hours away. My old friends all stabbed me in the back. My real friends are a two hour drive away. I have no car, no money, and my parent’s house in is the middle of fucking nowhere. There are no sidewalks, and it takes an HOUR to walk to the nearest gas station(which is the closest thing to civilized life out here). No i do not have a bike, mine got stolen. So i’m stuck all alone with all my horrible memories with nothing to do all day but think. For two years, I was living on my own with my boyfriend, shit broke. I smoked a pack and a half a day. When my boyfriend left for work or got in the shower, I grabbed a knife and sliced my upper or lower arm six or seven times and he’d come back and I’d be sitting there, tons of blood running down my arm, not crying for once. I’d get drunk or do drugs EVERY NIGHT ’til I passed out. There are whole stretches of my life I can’t even remember. Then I’d wake up for work,still drunk or fucked up to work my ass off so I could buy more drugs and booze and cigarettes. I didn’t want to exist. My parents texted me everyday. They called me every name in the book. My mom said that she wished my boyfriend would die. They insulted him, his parents, everything and anything about him. Besides that, I was eating gas station food and getting dangerously thin. But most of all I was fucked up all of the time to avoid the depression. And the fights which often included screaming,slapping, beating, and being thrown on the floor for both of us. I cried every night, and thought about killing myself everyday. I never actually attempted it but one night when i got pinned down and had hands wrapped around my throat, choking me really hard, I didn’t fight it either. I thought, finally, someone is going to help me. Put me out of my misery bc I’m too scared to do it myself. But he stopped and started crying. I wasn’t mad at him. I was mad that he stopped. He’s the only person in the whole world that I’d stay alive for. And our relationship deteriorated from real love to us beating each other. Fuck my life. There are so many things I don’t want to remember. I’m stuck here in a house with people who couldn’t not possibly look at me with more loathing. Completely alone. And just really really tired of existing. The closest I can get is sleeping. So I sleep all the fucking time. It’s the only time I’m happy. Or I read books where the protagonist is suicidal. Vicarious dying i guess, right?
5 comments
i really relate to you. i don’t feel like stating all the details of my situation but it’s almost just like yours. i live with the memories of my bf (‘m a guy) who doesn’t want me anymore and our relationship deteriorated and now is no more because i ruined it – haven’t seen him in years and he’ll never be with me again.
i don’t have a reason to live. i just have the bad memories and live in a shit hole of a city called las vegas. … ‘lost’ vegas. i have no friends and nothing or anyone cares about me and thus i don’t have anyone to care for.. except the one person i have ever loved who will never even talk with me on the phone again – we haven’t talked on the phone in years.
i know this sounds crazy, but i’m curious about you – are you in the usa?
Thanks, that’s kinda nice to hear. I was half expecting some shit like, “life is beautiful, blah, blah.” Yea, I live in Illinois, basically in the middle of a sea of cornfields. So depressing. Don’t know if this even matters but I am a girl. I just realized that my post may have sounded like a guy, but what I meant is that I finally came out to my parents about being bisexual. Sucks about your life dude 🙁 ik. I feel lonely all the time. Have a hard time relating to anyone. Are you older or younger? Don’t want to be nosy. Was jw.
Definitely, glad it’s kinda nice to hear. I know for me it doesn’t make me feel much better when i hear ‘oh life’s beautiful, blah blah blah’ either. You’re in Illinois, and in the middle of a sea of cornfields basically, ugh, i know how that might feel – i’m in a desert basically with only big hotels filled with tourists. i got a DUI recently and don’t have a license or insurance on my car so i’m always on edge. everything sucks no matter what i do. But i’m sorry about your life, that sucks 🙁 i know what it’s like living somewhere where the only ‘civilization’ is a gas station and having to go there for food. i feel lonely all the time too and find it extremely hard to relate to anyone and i get nervous around people which makes them nervous. i did think you were a guy at first and thank you for claryfing, not that it matters because gender is like ‘meh’ on most every level except for sexual attraction. i’m not sure if i’m older or younger anymore i feel old as hell, i’m 25, what about you? not that 25 is old to most people but i ‘feel’ totally haggard lol. i hope it’s not too personal but are you still with your bf or a partner? at least that would make it slightly less lonely sometimes, or does it? i found out just yesterday that my ex for sure doesn’t want to be with me ever again and has totally moved on but i’m still obsessed with him almost 3 years since we were at all ‘together’.. my life is passing me by and i’m living in the past and can’t get out.
Hey you know the good things in life shouldnt feel like a brden so if everything aroud you seems like a burden give up on it. Dont try and kill yourself over it rather just fill it up or replace it. You know people crave for you know good health and being in position where you at least have a home. Sure your mum hates on your boyfriend not cause she hates you but cause she hates your boy. So dont screw things up with her and dont screw them up with him either. IF the things really matter to you just go upto them and tell them how you feel. You know the world might seem a little lighter after that.
@stephan
twenty five’s not that old haa. but I do know what you mean. I’m twenty and I feel old as shit. Just tired and run down. I am still with my guy. But my mental health issues actually make me change my mind about whether or not I want to be with him at least twice a day. (Borderline) Then i’ll say something mean and two seconds later I’ll feel like a piece of shit for saying it even though I was angry at him, usually for no reason. So, yea, it does make it less lonely. But it doesn’t make me feel less like crap. I’m really sorry about your boy. 🙁 I can’t even imagine how that would feel. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to let go either. I also have a huge problem not being able to live in the present.
@ lifefills
Thanks for the advice. However, my mental health is fucked up and I do not believe in a god or an afterlife. Therefore, everything is completely pointless anyways. I just want peace I guess. And this seems to be a safe place where I don’t have to hide anymore.