critical

I am in my late seventies and 13 yrs ago my children’s father committed suicide, three years later I lost  my second husband, the year after my sister in law, the year after, my mother, the year after a girlfriend of my daughter whom I treated like a daughter, the year after my other sister in law, 2 years later my childhood girl friend (all these people through one kind of cancer or another and last year another childhood girlfriend from a heart attack. It’s been a succession of mourning without stop. Then since I had divorced my children’s father (long story) my children blame me for his suicide, and don’t care a damn about whether I live or die. One daughter doesn’t even talk to me and didn’t even care when I had a heart operation. I had to move last year and not one of them came to help.  So to say that living is a joy would be the biggest lie.  I spend most nites crying. I have only one sister who from the time we were kids hated me and still does and only sends me cards on birthdays or holidays (guess it’s better than nothing)

Well I have some advice for young people wanting to get it over with and it is that as you get older you realize that some of the stuff that is thrown at you actually makes you a stronger person if you stop to think. Most of it at the time seemed like the end of the world, but somehow breathing wins out and you usually  find out later on  that if whatever happened to hurt you so much hadn’t happened, that what replaced it was much better. Still isn’t the perfect world and it takes guts to survive our deep demons, but how would you learn and become the person you are today. Everyday brings something new. The past is gone, tomorrow hasn’t arrived so we only have today and that’s how I have been trying to live one minute at the time hoping the feeling of unworthiness will disappear and my kids will realize that I love them and was always a good mother. 

I’m not saying it’s easy because we all make mistakes and I think and have been thinking of suicide for the last 13 years but like many who don’t go through it, I don’t want to suffer.  I think and wonder how many pills I should take to never wake up, but what if I do and I’m left with a disorder? I’ll end up in an hospice or worst.  As much as some of us suffer, life is still precious and a gift to be treasured although right now, you and I don’t think so right? it would be nice to have someone to talk to, most friends don’t want to hear about it, medical help cost money so I can undertand.  I guess I never had it easy in my life and it’s just the way it is but it certainly gets lonely at my age especially, but all and all it’s better then most.   I wish all  of us for a guardian angel who will send us the answer to our trouble mind.