I was born on February 12, 2002. Whatever the hell my mother had in mind I don’t know… I am a boy. I was born in Ukraine.
My real father wasn’t ready for me and left me when I was 2 yo. That is when my story pretty much begins.
From ages of 5 to 10, I was pretty much raised by my grandparents. They would comfort me every time I cry, which was bad. Every time I was whining or having tantrums, I would get what I want. Which later stuck in me. And I was bullied in school because of this.
When I was 12, Russia-Ukraine war happened and my mother and I had to move out. Same thing continued. At new school, I would always be put to play volleyball with girls meanwhile boys played football.
When I was 13, I met my new stepdad which showed me what is my true place. At the end of 2015, I started doing martial arts – Combat Sambo. My favourite sport, to be honest – is swimming, which is not masculine, and to me, mostly done by girls.
At beginning of 2016 I started making musical mashups, because of my deep sense of insecurity and need for approval. I saw other people who do mashups – Adam, Andy, T10MO, Dylan, many others. I saw those people as someone who is on top of me, saw myself as a little prick to them. 9 months later, I discovered the mashup community, and realized they are all equal.
In October 2016, I called the police, because my parents were super brutal and violent. But I didn’t get any help. They only advised my parents to kick my ass more, probably because I am a boy. Then I started feeling depressed and suicidal. At school, I was walking really lowered, a bit crunched and strange, and got made fun of. Nobody liked me. I was the worst waste of space in existence. I almost failed my school year because of suicidal thoughts.
When I would walk home from school, suicidal thoughts were a protective mechanism for me, because no matter how happy I would be, my parents would always bash me. Now my parents say I don’t keep my words and I am a liar
Just why do I exist? I am sick and tired of all of this. The only reason why I am alive because I am too lazy to look up an efficient suicide method. Too coward to live, but also too coward to die…
Also, people tell me that there is a girl who is meant for me. Who is supposed to be happy with me forever, I just haven’t met yet. I heard this so many times I don’t know… I am such waste why would anybody like me :'(
3 comments
It was wrong of your parents to bash you. Violence only instills fear and from fear you may turn to lies. I think this happened with me but my parents were not violent.
I can relate with grades in high school and feeling suicidal.
Maybe this journey we are on will actually teach us something, even through all the pain. It’s hard to learn to love ourselves.
You’ve had a very tough time but please don’t give up, always try to be true to yourself and who you are. Our lives are not a competition, like the masses think.
You’ve had it rough, we all have in our own ways.
Life can and will be harsh and unforgiving, the harder life is for you the stronger you have to become otherwise it takes its toll,
Your parents let you down in life and it sounds like you’re better off without them, so when you can break free, do it and don’t look back no matter how hard it might seem.
My grades were effected by depression mental illnesses and being bullied.
Education system is just not that great and mental illness is silent and mostly goes ignored or unnoticed so the support just isn’t really there.
I hope you figure things out and find your place in life and start to find the happiness you deserve, if you want to be friends and just talk about stuff let me know where I can contact you.
Octr, I have Instagram dimethylmercury80_6.2_1.6
and twitter @fixiespopulatio
Please talk to me I need someone