I keep “putting one foot in front of the other”, saying the mantras, talking about it, keep on keeping on, railing against the unfairness of it all, being angry, crying, talking about it, writing, talking about how angry I am, being frustrated, talking about how frustrated I am, and being stuck in the same cycle of emotions. I can’t take any more rejection. I look at what I was a few years ago and can’t fathom how I got to this point AGAIN. Suicidal thinking (and two attempts) have been an ongoing theme in my life for a long, long time. The pain doesn’t go away. A life-long friend of mine told me NY Eve that I needed to find joy in something, but my moments of joy become fewer and fewer. I got a new puppy recently, which gives me moments of joy, and the older dog is a constant source of unconditional love. But at the end of the day, neither of these beautiful creatures can give me a job, or help clear my debt or give me the self-love I so desperately need to find. The deterrent: I would screw this up and not do it right just like everything else in my life and be someone’s burden, or worse; be alone at the mercy of a hostile care-giver and not be able to voice it to anyone. There are worse things than death; like surviving death and knowing how it feels to go to that place. I remember the feeling of struggling for life while it was being choked out of me, then acceptance, then waking up thinking that I couldn’t believe I wasn’t dead. Then, wanting to go there again. The circumstances that lead me to this have been cumulative, over a period of probably 30 years. I’ve had therapy, drugs (prescription and not), alcohol, relationships, geographical relocations, attempts, and I still can’t find peace or happiness.
2 comments
I’d say find time to just sit down and think… take a day off. I really mean it its not just cause i want to comment… Take a a day off from everything. take a chair and sit down. Turn some relaxing music maybe and just clear your mind and think about the things your going through and what your next actions with be to solve them.
I lack to peace as well… its 10:21 PM I’m a teenager boy that goes to high school (12th grade) and i just wished I’d have some time to just sit down and do nothing but relax.
Just do it take a day off of everything…
Happiness? I’m not sure how to help you with that, but i find my happiness in music, art, and Nature. Those things replaced my friends. In school I don’t have anyone to talk to, but myself. But the fact that i can see those few things everyday makes me a little happier. And do take that day of… sit down and relax you need it as much as I =/
thanks, i try that and feel like i am wasting time and that i am a looser when i do. urgh…