i’m female, 18 in a few days. I’m french. I have several mental illnesses and it’s getting worse each day. The only person i’m still able to connect with is my boyfriend, but he’s slowly losing interest in me. i’m planning to die as soon as he leaves me.
I have no friends, my family is ashamed of me, i’m doing terrible in school and my teachers hate me. I will never be able to get a job, either because of mental illness or because i’m an overall shitty person, i don’t really know. Every day is painful and I have no other valid reason to bear the pain and go on than my boyfriend. And for that, i think him leaving me is a perfectly good reason to quit.
I tried to kill myself with meds several times but it didn’t work. I always wanted to avoid hanging because it would probably be more traumatizing for my family to find my hanging corpse than me dying in a hospital because of an overdose. But meds don’t do shit, no matter how many i take. So i guess i’ll have to resort to hanging. I could also try drowning but i’m not sure about how i would do it.
I hope I will find understanding people on here and that you will all find peace, no matter how you manage to reach it.
8 comments
Bonjour,Comment ça va?Excusez mon français,je ne parle pas bien français.Je m’ appele Tasos et je suis à Athènes.Bienvenue à projet suicide. Je comprends votre problème…Avez-vous essayé la psychothérapie?Ou voir un psychothérapeute?Je pense que maladie est traitable…Avez-vous pensé à essayer une thérapie quelconque?Tu es très jeune,le suicide n’est pas une solution…Tu peux être meilleur,tu peux être traité.
hello, thank you for your reply. your french is very understandable actually 🙂 i’ve been at the hospital several times because of my suicide attempts, and i’ve seen many therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists. never helped. i always end up quitting because i’ve missed some appointments and i can’t gather the courage to call them, because i feel like it’s pointless. i’m also on meds that are supposed to calm my anxiety but they just make me sleep.
also, the whole point of problem is that i AM still young. I don’t even know what “real life” is like and it’s already wayyy too much for me. some people are just too weak to live in our society and i happen to be one of them. I just want to rest.
Thank you for reaching out to me, you seem like a really nice person to be around 🙂
Merci beaucoup pour ce que vous avez dit à propos de mon français.
Ok,I think we’ll continue in English from now on…
Look,finding the right therapist that suits you and the one to give you the right medication isn’t an easy task…You’ve got to have patience and persistence…As I told you,you’re very young. You’ve got a whole life in front of you. I think you should give it another try. I’m not saying that it’s going to be easy, I’m saying that you should try again. It’s not a terminal disease and it’s not untreatable… You just have to insist.
As for your boyfriend,if he doesn’t understand you and wants to leave,it’s fine. You can find another one that really cares for you. Don’t think that this is the end of the world… If he stays with you,this will show you that he truly cares about you. You can also find people to connect with and make new friends. All you need to do is try. That’s the key word: try.
And this Darwinistic point of view of being weak etc. it’s not true… It would be true if we were still living in the Middle Ages or Prehistoric Times,but things have changed now… If you have the will to live,then you can live. It all depends on how you approach things. I’ve got to say to you again: you’ve got to have patience and persistence…
You know,I’ve also tried to commit suicide (well,if I didn’t I wouldn’t be on this site) and I can tell you that it’s not worth it. It’s just a waste of time… Especially when you’re young.
Also,I’m not trying to impose all of that to you. If you were old with one foot in grave,I probably wouldn’t say these things to you. But you’re very very young and you have something that can be cured,you can be relieved from this and go on…I also write all of these to you,because I really like French people and French culture in general 🙂
I’m someone who also has major issues with avoidance, though I haven’t been officially diagnosed with AvPD (it seems kind of like a personality predisposed to extreme social anxiety.) I get that it’s very hard to feel ok in yourself if you don’t have the social support or connection there. And maybe you’re not going to go looking for that social support, because you’re so instinctively terrified of the potential judgement that might expose you to.
I think it is possible to earn a living with AvPD, but it may take a while to figure it out – it’s not something you’re likely to hear about from your careers advisor. There are people who’s work is done entirely online, usually freelance, who only have to interact through email (my sister makes most of her money that way.) If you can do something that people value, there’s usually a way to minimize the exposure to social anxiety.
In regards to school, there are lots of people who utterly failed academically who went on to do fine. If there’s something else that you enjoy, are interested in, or have experience of, then there’s probably a way to make money from it. Beyond basic skills, education is really useful for a fairly restricted range of employment types. There’s other stuff out there, if you can stick around long enough to figure it out.
Only you can say what you’re willing to tolerate in this world. If you’re prepared to endure the process of dying (and the risk that it’ll fail and leave you disabled) and take that existential leap in the dark, in order to avoid your current experiences, then that’s your right. Or you could focus on making your life as tolerable as possible and wait to see how things turn out. Whichever you decide, I hope you find the peace of mind that you seek.
I feel like I’m too weak for society too. I don’t have avpd. But i don’t feel like I fit in with anyone at all. Its just pretend. I only fit in and connect with my boyfriend really
hey rania 🙂
before anything,
i just wanna say i love your name <3
back in middle school, my best friend's name was rania
& i loved her to bits <3
secondly,
i'm so so sorry sweetness
that you're going through such sad times
it's okay
even though it's only part of the big picture you drew,
i want you to know that i can relate so much with your AvPD struggle
cause i'v been through it too
& i know
it gets really really tough sometimes
& it drains you, specially in a school setting…
but i'm here to tell you sweetness
that you can overcome it
it'll take time
& lots of trying
but it can be done
there are only a few but important requirements
& one of them is actually a request that i wish to ask of you:
that you stay here rania & not leave 🙁
i can imagine that you've reached a point now
where the pain is just too much
& with your boyfriend gradually stepping away
you probably feel like there's this dark rainy cloud coming
& you just don't wanna be there when it arrives
i feel your pain love
but i'm here to tell you
that you don't have to be alone in all this
& that you also don't need to leave or even consider leaving…
because no matter what the problem is,
we can find a way out together…
i'm here to lend a hand
because i really really want to help…
& so i ask
do you think we could talk about this?
could we break down the problems together & start solving them bit by bit?
if you feel uncomfortable talking here
that's okay & i understand
my e-mail is
farahlajeennouraldeen.1@gmail
please know that you're most most most welcome to contact me whenever you wish or need to
i'm really really hoping we could talk rania
but regardless…
please please please
"try"
to reconsider things…
okay <3
big big hug
& lots of love
<3
do take care
xo
oh & by the way…
if it still hasn’t come yet & it’s soon…
Happy Birthday sweetness 🙂 <3 xo
don’t do it,
especially even if your boyfriend leaves you.
he’ll blame himself.