Tuesday morning I received news of my friend/former lover’s suicide.
His family posted a short “R.I.P. ______ , service Sat. At ________. Everyone welcome” via social media.
Nothing further was acknowledged. No written obituary. Just RIP, and done. Ridiculous, in my opinion.
Avoiding the stigma of having mental health problems seems to be a big concern for people around us suffering. Society doest point the finger at the sufferers if the family denies it’s there..
So, today I write a proper obit to a good man:
J*** H.
Though he was often a man of few words, he made the ones he said count.
His laugh was infectious.. his sadness as well. He was someone who always helped a person in need; from building fences, or repairing roofs for neighbours, to singing/dancing with friends when they were upset (Bedouin Soundclash being a go-to for his slow-dance therapy). He was an amazing father, loving friend, and generous man. There was always kindness, understanding, and sadness in his eyes.
On March 2nd, the sadness overtook this incredible soul, and he took his final breaths strangled by the weight of the world. He was 34.
J***, you were, are, and will always be loved. You will be missed dearly.
9 comments
If it were any other kind of death, he might have received the words you wrote from the other person. Others may reflect so at the service. But for some it’s harder to accept this…
Good words for a loved one. It’s precious to meet such people, even when they walk in darkness.
Sorry for your loss, though those words may not carry much.
<3 <3 <3
so sorry for your loss…
life's loss
of such a good kind hearted person
🙁
<3
Thanks freeroma and Farah.
Honestly, if it were some other death he would be treated a hero, but in his life he was a hero to so many, so why should he be villainized?
If it were cancer (or a visible disease) killing him, surely the kindness would not have ended with his passing.
I become angry that good people such as us who come here are treated poorly when we exit. A lifetime of generosity and help to others suddenly becones nothing if we do something (exit) for ourselves. Silliness.
Indeed. Well put.
For a family to admit that it was suicide, it would be a confession of culpability. Even in rare cases when they do bring themselves to pronounce the evil word ‘suicide’, it’s in the context of blaming someone else: teachers who failed to report signs (as if family doesn’t see these same signs the other 16 hours of the day), failure of the medical community to treat the victim (as if the medical community must do what the family is too lazy to), and my favourite catch-all, blaming it on “mental illness” (which usually comes with the obligatory link to some donation drive for a worthless suicide prevention sham).
Just for once I would love to see a family write a heartfelt, honest obituary celebrating the person’s highs, lows and the admission that the family themselves didn’t do what they should have done.
You wrote a very nice obituary. Minor nitpick though, by not mentioning his name, you further commit his identity to oblivion as his family did. Maybe you’ve done this already (not here) but if you’re committed to honoring him, I think you should set up a modest page somewhere including his full name so that friends and acquaintances can read about him. If you just leave it here like this, that’s really nothing more than remembering him for your own sake while he slips away forgotten. I guess it doesn’t really matter though. The dead don’t care.
You aren’t wrong. I should use his name, and memorialize him properly.. though its a bit of a tricky situation..
I do feel like a family member of his may track me down and beat the sh*t out of me for pointing out their ignorance if they googled his name and this post came up… I let him know when his old lady was snorting dope with their kid on her lap.. so, baby mamas family doesn’t exactly dig me.. neither did my friends Mother… I had a habit of sneaking through his bedroom window when I had nowhere warm to sleep as a teen, and she caught me there a time or 10 asleep in his bed. (Most our clique used his room as a safe haven. We were all homeless at varying times)
I think you left a heartfelt tribute to your deceased friend, he would like that. Im always amazed by the language code used to describe suicide. “Police do not suspect foul play” – code for suicide. “Police are treating the death as a personal tragedy” – code for suicide.
“Died by suicide” seems like the way to say it. It is factual. It does not judge. It leaves no need for knowing glances either.
The police use ridiculous terms to avoid the word suicide.
Ive told my executors/next of kin, that if I go by my own hand, the coroners report is a fitting obit., that or go Stephen King with it and describe the scene,. Put that in the paper. No pu$$yfooting.
No sense in pretending reality isnt happening.