I’ve reached the point of no longer caring. There are people I care about, but the pain I feel, the depression, the constant struggle is too much now. I have about 5 days till I get paid. I’ll withdraw everything in my bank accounts for cash, box it up and send to my grown kids. They both live 1000 miles away. My tools go to my son hopefully and I’m planning my exit. I have the means to go painlessly and quietly. How others cope with me being gone will be tough for them and will likely linger far longer than I hope, but I must exit this life once and for all. I no longer desire to keep living the lie of this life.
My biggest regret by far, well beyond any regrets I have for my past actions will be the sorrow I leave behind.
12 comments
You should know you won’t have any peace if you do it. Just prepare for the worst.
What do you mean?
May your death bring peace and quiet to your soul.
See you on the other side
I’m one of the one’s that lives daily with that sorrow & I can tell you first hand that it’s more than FUCKED UP. It’s been 30 fucking years & I still feel it like it happened YESTERDAY.
That pain is one that never leaves & I think about & re-live every fucking day. It’s part of who I am. Itbwcqne part of me 30 years ago & I wouldn’t wish it upon ANYONE. If you have love for who you leave behind please re- think AGAIN.
Please don’t do it. Think about your kids. : / It will hurt them so much. Give yourself some fresh air, take it day by day.
Time has come and gone. I put off ending my life and things were better for awhile, but now I’m back to the same feelings.
I’m finally in a position to leave considerable assets to my kids, a house, life insurance policy and my shop and tools. I even have enough business to allow them to make money from it if they choose to.
Six years ago I had just the clothes on my back and wanted to leave something to them and now I can. It’s not a huge amount, it is considerably more than 6 years ago.
I really need to decide if by my suicide my kids can move on and be happy. I know I won’t live forever so it is inevitable that I will die someday and I am, like everyone else closer to dying of old age than I was at any point in my entire life.
I could wait, but I certainly don’t want to wait until I become a financial burden on anyone again. I’d much rather leave on my own terms than stick around like my father who died last year at 92, broke, unhappy with his own life after a very successful life before age took him over and left him unable to do even the most mundane tasks without constant help and supervision. I don’t want to live like that.
For about the past 20 or so years I was the sole caregiver for 3 different elderly people and every one of them hated getting as old as they did and now I am slowly getting close to the same rotten position of being unable to care for myself and pay my own way in life.
I guess the only question left is how much longer do I want to keep pushing along. Do I make enough money to pay for something I don’t even care about? I have everything I’ve ever wanted except for eternal life which I am absolutely convinced simply doesn’t exist and never has and never will.
Perhaps I’ll write a letter to them all to tell them how much I’ve cared for them and by leaving this life I’ve released them of ever having to endure the burden of taking care of their elderly father who never wanted to be elderly in the first place.
They will know that they have been loved and to please remember just how much despite the pain of losing dad.
This is hard, but I will eventually do what I know to be right and leave this life on my own terms the way it’s supposed to be.
I know how you feel, though I’m much younger I have similar fears of the future. If the very few friends that I have and a chronic illness have taught me anything, it’s that being taken care of by people you love when you need help is never a burden. I’m sure your family loves you, and appreciates what you’ve done in trying to help them – I’m sure they’d want to give that back to you. The letter isn’t a bad idea, but I think that no amount of words to them would erase a question in their minds – “Could I have done something to prevent this?” – I’ve thought that about deaths in my life that weren’t even suicides.
Like I said, your family surely appreciates all that you’ve done and continue to do to try and help them – but I believe above everything, they appreciate having you around.
I cannot tell you what to do, as your life is your decision in the end, but I hope you’ll think about it.
I know most people don’t believe that caring for their elderly parent(s) is a burden, but having done it for 3 different people now I can most assuredly tell you that it is indeed quite a burden especially when one or more suffers from dementia and/or Alzheimer’s.
It not only becomes a burden to the caregivers, but it robs the elderly of their way of life, their dignity, their freedom to make choices and so much more. And it brings out the worst in people who may be in need of money and people who may be looking for a quick buck. The elderly are always an easy target.
Even with all the pre-planning a person may put in place while they’re still able won’t prevent someone with the wrong motive from trying to separate them from their money and assets and this includes hospitals, creditors, mortgage lenders and on and on.
A burden indeed. I have heard story after story of elder care. If the elderly have serious mental issues it is a huge burden for the care giver(s). I have also sat with several elderly people who had mental issues and just listened for as long as circumstances allowed. They were not happy. They were afraid, or just not mentally present, and that is at the very least. I watch for mental slippage in myself everyday, 63 and doing fine so far but, I hope I can ascertain if I really start to fade and then write my goodbye.
Practical question: how did you secure a life insurance policy that pays for suicide? Please be specific (name of the company and policy plan) as this is something I’ve researched for years but can never find a way around. I’ve since given up on trying to provide for loved ones after my death. I already gave them everything I could when I was alive.
I didn’t buy the policy for that specific reason. At the time I just wanted to leave something to my kids when I’m gone, but I’ve made all the payments on time for the past 3-4 years. In most states life insurance will pay out for suicide only after 2 years, but not before. It’s not a lot of money at all, just $5000, but it’s a whole lot more than zero. And truth be told I still haven’t decided to do anything immediately to end my life.
Things on the home front have improved somewhat and I still have no desire to leave people in tears over what will inevitably be seen as some rash decision by most even though I’ve had a long history of attempts.
There’s still every possibility I’ll die of natural causes or even unnatural before I even attempt to do it again. I’m under no illusions of just how fragile life can be in the best of times.
Just in case you might be looking for life insurance I have a policy written by Lumico. It’s a whole life policy that costs me about $32 a month.
Thanks for that helpful info. Yes if I had thought ahead and signed up for life insurance a while ago I’d be set. The problem is getting a new policy when you doubt you can make it to 2 years. You made a good point though, it’s not going to be a lot but it’s better than zero and it’ll ease the financial sting for those left behind. Funeral and all that.
Back to what you said in your post, I really feel that because I too had to care for sick & incapacitated parents. It may sound shocking to someone who hasn’t gone through it, I think the pain of being forced to watch them die slowly, the financial burden of all their medical bills, and the loss of your own freedom, career, relationships due to the burden of their illness is FAR WORSE than if they had opted for suicide on their own terms. I could have respected and dealt with that, but as you know when we’re forced to care for them for hopeless years, there’s no way of seeing that as a respectable thing.
Thanks so much for posting this. It’s a perspective we don’t often see in society. Everyone is so quick to condemn suicide, but how many of those people have been left with the burden and scars of being forced to care for others? I will never be a burden like that. I will never be that selfish to force my family to clean my poop for 5 years with no hope except upon my death.