confused or confused, idk

I feel tired and exhausted all the time… My body aches badly… I feel like I’m moving slowly, time is moving slowly… I try to daydream most of the time… But sometimes I think I am normal like last evening when I was studying math (yeah, maths and I get very engaged whenever we meet)… Sometimes my mind runs faster than it should… Like I feel like everything is moving very fast… Like I have a genius mind who can solve everything and I am like the most happy and excited version of myself (although this happens rarely)… Sometimes I look at my childhood pictures and cry because I removed everything good from that little girl and feel bad for her… Sometimes I feel that I’m betraying my parents by pretending to study and by not shouting at them about how I tried to seek help but didn’t get any from them… I’m tired of faking to be happy all day when I am not… Because if I stop faking then my mom thinks that I’m hiding things from her again… And then I have to work hard to bring up a thousand lies to prove to her that I’m alright… So, to reduce this hard work, I act happy… I’ve gotten used to faking it so much that now I think it’s just another tiring chore that I can’t not do… This is the part about opening up to my parents that I feared… Now, my mom doesn’t trust me, like at all… But that is just another fucked up thing that I’m very unwilling to fix…
My mind is filled with millions of thoughts all the time and I can’t control them… It’s like one moment I’m thinking about suicide and the next I’m thinking about playing my piano… It’s just confusing and bad… I get lost in the thoughts… They’re overwhelming…