I feel sad because there’s a part of me that’s missing. I used to be a certain way and now I’m not due to how much I let the world shut me down. I’m definitely exaggerating when I say the world but I’m really talking about the people who were in my immediate family and inner circles. I mean I guess there’s times to be serious and so I suppose I was wrong to be such a clown at those times but throughout the years I let my father beat out my inner clown. I used to just wanna laugh all the time even if it was a simple chuckle here and there. It was never about trying to “make it big someday” or become a comedian someday. I was like this all my youth. Actually I was very social but my father didn’t seem to like this part of me. Now that I look back at my past I realize I rarely ever saw the man laugh or hang out with friends. Sure he had a big family but he always had this temper. He could never just relax. So as the years passed I slowly picked up on his demeanor. But you know what…..I’m done with hiding. I no longer have to worry about being so serious all the damn time anymore. I’m not living with him anymore. I can choose to be me again.
i have really bad social anxiety that I picked up from living around him. So I think I’m gonna try to find some clowns. You know, people who don’t feel the need to be cool all the time or “normal” (whatever that means). People laugh at clowns all the time but the one thing I’ve noticed and admired about clowns is how they can laugh at themselves too. They can wear the most ridiculous outfit and act like a fool and yet they’re at peace….actually many times they actually seem quite happy. I’ll be going to jail for my DUI soon. I may lose quite a lot of my freedoms but if there’s one thing they can’t take……it’s my ability to laugh. So you know what that’s what I’ll do, I’ll laugh.
p.s. Clowns weren’t originally supposed to be scary. That’s only become a trend over the past few decades. Those people dressed in creepy clown outfits give lots of clowns a bad reputation. I guess we can thank video games and movies for this trend of clowns creeping people out in public these days.