I want not to feel this anymore. What is this? An insanely messy and conflicting mesh of things. In no particular order…
- Fear: I’m afraid that I am completely unacceptable to other people, and will never be acceptable, no matter what I do in future. I have done unforgivable things, and want to do even more unforgivable things, and if anyone ever finds out, I will face violence & rejection. And if no one ever finds out, I’ll just be alone. Even if I’m with someone. Alone with the knowledge of what I’ve done, and what I still want to do.
- Longing/Craving: Sometimes for healthy/good things. Sometimes for terrible, disgusting things. Never for anything realistic. Knowing that nothing is going to happen as a result doesn’t make it go away. Anything that seems meaningful is beyond my grasp, and I seem bent on torturing myself over it. And even if I could somehow stop these thoughts, I wouldn’t. Because they feel meaningful. The things I hurt myself over feel meaningful, and if I eliminated them, I fear I would be left with nothing. I love them and hate them at the same time.
- Regret/Nostalgia: Maybe it didn’t have to be this way. Maybe I could’ve chosen differently. Perhaps a single synapse could have fired a single chemical compound to a single neuron in my brain that would’ve tipped the balance, sending my whole life down an entirely different path. Perhaps it could’ve all gone entirely differently. All those wasted painful years. Perhaps I could’ve chosen differently. Could I have chosen to choose differently? Were there points where I could’ve freely stepped outside the chain of causes that led me here, and picked the other option?
- Shame/Self-hatred: No matter what I do from this point, I will always be less-than, inferior, disgusting. Not just socially, but morally. I’m not even saying society is wrong to view me that way. I understand their judgement. It just makes me not want to exist. Being an untouchable with no prospect of elevation does not seem like a worthwhile existence. Being a monster is not much fun if you crave human connection.
- Despair: Because I’ve spent so long like this. And there’s no way out. And I’m never going to have a worthwhile life. And all that’s left is death. But I’m too afraid to accept that. And I’m so tired of being this.
- Anger/Resentment: At everyone who’s better than me. Anyone who’s leading a meaningful life. Or even if you’re miserable, but can still convince yourself you’re a decent person, and blame your ills on those around you. Anyone who doesn’t have to hold all this in their fucking heads. Anyone who hasn’t ruined their own life. And I hate that I feel this much blind hatred. And I want not to feel this anymore. Every day I wake up wanting the world to end. To just wipe every last one of you out of existence. Because then maybe I won’t have to see myself through your eyes anymore.
And I think that the only way to not feel this would be to annihilate myself. I think these ways of thinking are so embedded in my brain that it would require a complete reset. Possibly with enough powerful psychoactive drugs some level of change could be achieved. It would have to be so huge that whoever I became looked back on who I am now as an entirely different person. My personality, the very core of who I am, is toxic and broken. Very little could remain of who I am now, or it would contaminate everything. And that level of change in itself would be terrifying, even if it were possible. It would effectively be death, letting go of all that seems significant, allowing myself to be reshaped to better fit the world.
Death may be the only way. But I don’t want to devastate my family. If I could somehow eliminate my personality while maintaining this physical shell, to allow them to go on believing, that would be preferable.