I just read the letter she wrote me. I’m crying right now because I miss her so much. I want to reach out to her and maybe try to rekindle our friendship. I’m not going to obviously because she’d think I’m creepy and desperate (I am). I just feel so lonely and I wish I had her to comfort me. In her letter she said I was her “bestest friend” and “I make her happy when times are tough”… that’s exactly what I would say about her. I guess that was all a lie. I remember when she first gave me that letter. I was so happy and I hugged her as tight as I could. It just meant so much to me. I couldn’t believe someone actually felt that way for me. That I actually made someone happy.
I still don’t know why I’m so hung up on this whore. Maybe it’s because I had almost no friends back then (and now) and her company meant so much to me. Maybe it’s because I was in awe of her. She was sociable, talented, and funny. Everything I’m not.
I think the way I feel about her is beyond a “crush”. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind thinking about her. My thoughts about her are downright obsessive and everything makes me think of her. I even used to fantasize about murdering her or humiliating her somehow. She makes me feel so weird. Sad, angry, lonely, anxious? I don’t know.
When I walk by her, a part of me wants to wave at her or say Hello. I wonder what she would say.
I might delete this post because I sound like a stalker. Maybe not because I need to let this out. I really hate myself.