… I wanted to do a video.. But I’m nervous to… I… My life is Hell.. It really is.. First off, abuse, alcohol, drugs, beating.. From my Dad, from my Mom.. I have no Dad he left to go with some whore… My Mom still hits me and kicks me and calls me slut and stuff.. I have been cutting for about two years.. I started last year and stopped towards the middle of that year.. Recently life has gotten harder.. Love, family, money, alcohol, cutting, homeschooling, no friends, no family, no one I can talk to.. I want help, I want to get better.. healthier.. I starve myself, I cut myself deep. On my legs, hips, breasts, thighs.. Places no one can see.. I’m too fat to show my ugly legs.. This is me. Ugly I know. I throw up what I eat, when I do eat I don’t eat all anymore unless forced. I just want to die tbh. I have no one.. I decided I’m going to kill myself by June. but if things get better.. Then I’ll second thought that.
11 comments
how could things get better? By that I mean, what is your idea of things getting better? What would have to occur to make you take one small step away from killing yourself? It’s a question I think we should all ask ourselves every once in a while. Remind yourself that things can always get better. The first step to actualizing your ideal scenario is thinking up your ideal scenario. I honestly believe that where there is a will, there is a way. You have to be willing to do what needs to be done and courageous enough to say what needs to be said.
Imagine your life as an extremely messy table. There are papers and pencils and old food and a whole bunch of stuff that shouldn’t be there; clutter. My suggestion is to sweep everything off the desk of your life and start over. The desk is yours to do with what you want; you can put whatever you want on it. Or you can say fuck it, flip the desk over and kill yourself.
The people getting you down; they’re just characters in your world. This is your world, you are the main character in your life just as I am in mine. By who’s definition are you ugly or fat or this or that? You may look in the mirror and think yuck but in comparison to whom? What’s so important about looking better than the next person?
Let go of all the nonsensical garbage that you’ve been fed your entire life. Fact of the matter is, you’re an animal with an evolved brain; nothing more. Everything you’re told and read is opinion and observation. Not too long ago the world was flat; now it’s round. I’m sure at some point in time, they’ll invent some new way of analyzing the natural world and the shape of our planet will change again. We’re all blind but making like we know the way so don’t worry too much about it.
Everything you do(school, work, socialising etc) is a game made up by people just like you and me to keep everyone from turning into barbarians. We’re kept busy to keep from staring up at the endless cosmos and going insane. The problem you’re having with the game is the problem we all have with it; we’re trying to play it the way everybody else is. We’re trying to make it to death by living the same way that our tormentors live.
Acting to go unnoticed, to conceal your strangeness from those that lash out at the slightest hint of abnormality. Live your life according to you because it’s the only way to get comfortable during this ride. Enjoy every meal, keep your body going because really, it’s your only job. Pig out, who cares. You throw it up to keep the weight off, but for who? you? Ask yourself why you want to do this. Take the time to reflect on why you do the things that you do.
It’s hard to comment what for you to do, but…just don’t think you’re ugly.Negative thinking forms appropriate reality and you’ll become ugly only because of yout thoughts, you need to love yourself as you are.And I can tell you’re quite pretty.If you love yourself, your legs won’t be fat, your emotions and thoughts will affect their shape.
Just, thoughts…
What’s more, it’s a pity you don’t have friends, it’d be great if you could find some…
to get out of your place, to find…I hope you’re not locked there..
For me you seem the one who wants to live, just you need to find some company.Just try to find friends on the internet..I’m not sure about this site, but maybe there are some pages: facebook, kind of friends search portals, chattroulete maybe…
@tphg : for some reasons I really like and even got ‘enlightened’ by your post. you speak very much like a wise philosopher, and I’m really interested with those things: philosophy, search for Ultimate Truth, etc.
if you do have time and don’t mind, please email me at nikiwonoto (at) gmail (dot) com (I can’t do the ‘usual’ email address thing because there’s a problem with this website doesn’t allow some links, or at least pending it).
we can continue our discussion deeper and more personal there (in email)
thanks.
@tphg I have to say exactly true.
@alexandra please know that before you even open you’re mouth, you’re worth something.
Please don’t think I haven’t thought about topping myself because I have.
I hope you’re OK
Good night
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Ugh….what a documentary called beautiful America please. You aren’t ugly, you are yourself. In Milan 6 foot height and a 90cm waist are what pass for models ( it’s not because skinny is better it’s because it’s cheaper to make a smaller dress that might not sell as much so they are saving money fabric aint cheap yo). Now what’s this about maybe suicide unless things get better? Sounds like someone who doesnt really want to die, which is good. I’m glad your putting off those plans, but don’t wait for thugs to get better. You should make your life better even if it’s only in small ways at first, it all adds up. Oh and back to the looks thing, as tpgh said who are you comparing yourself to? What you see on tv and in ads are airbrushed and manipulated images. You probably already know that so why compare yourself to something that isn’t real? I think you should go find Emersons essay titled: “self-reliance” it has a good section on friendship and of course ones own opinion. Cheer up! xD
You’re gorgeous babe!
Okay, the other things suck, but you’re not ugly. You look like a model. So at least stop worrying about your looks.
LOL…that is what I was thinking…quite attractive indeed. It is horrible what this world makes us think about ourselves. We are very strange creatures!
Dear, you are beautiful. (as is everyone if they could see themselves as separate from this cesspool)
I think you’re pretty.
I like the long time line you put in there, June alot can happen betweeen then and know.