So I’m 44 I have a good job, I live with someone I love , my family lives in the same town as i do, I talk to my mom on a regular basis , I have friends , so why do i always think of killing myself , I got to this website via another web site , the topic being…. you guessed it suicide , I don’t even know why i’m posting , I guess maybe throwing something down in words may help me figure out why i always consider suicide as an option , I remember my 1st try I was in a Denny’s of all places and i grabbed a steak knife from the waitress station and went into the bathroom and cut my wrists I remember i was walking to the bathroom the relief i felt to have finally found a solution actually made me feel happy , as odd as that sounds , but it just felt good to have a way out of the the pain , and i happily slit my wrists in the stall , I remember sitting there bleeding and thinking what if a child were to to come in and see the blood, so i got up and tried to leave , but I guess I had lost so much blood that i fell down and hit my head , and i remember a women kneeling down beside me screaming for help , and the next thing i knew I was in a hospital that was about 20 years ago , I have almost forgotten all the fall out from the post suicide try out , but I’ll never forget that feeling of peacefulness and calm i felt for that moment walking from my booth to the restroom , and the feeling of happiness I had when I actually cut into my wrists , i have never felt that calmness again in the last 20 or so years and I doubt i will ever feel it again as long as i live , pain is not optional in this life , suffering is not optional , were born into it , it isn’t a choice that I would make to feel pain and suffer on a regular basis , but the choice that I would make is to feel that peace again , that serenity if you will, maybe that’s why i always consider suicide as my first option is because it’s the only time in my life when i felt at peace with the world .
Red
4 comments
That feeling of calm, I understand it. To be absolved of future pain and responsibility. But I propose that it’s a lie… Because u don’t know what happens when u die( if u believe in hell), u also don’t know that the future will be all pain, what if something great happens and u miss out? Here’s a thought: try to retrain yr mind to associate that calm with the future… Because everything is okay in the end
Matey, I’m 7 years younger than you and have lost my job but… damn. You’ve nailed a lot of who I am there. The peace of previous attempts. The not-quite-knowing why you haven’t repeated it. I too have a loving wife and good friends. I don’t call Mum enough – but that’s because I really don’t want to get her down (maybe I’m wrong – don’t know. Bad day or I wouldn’t be on this website…). I went the pills route and didn’t take enough. Didn’t want to wake up again but had no more pills then and never found the corage to do it again. I did it at home while parents were away – so I avoided the some of the fall out you endured but talking about it cost me friends from my life at that time.
What can I say other than choose what feels right for you. I wish you the best and for peace whichever route you manage to achieve it by.
I suspect you felt in control of your life for the first time 20 yrs ago.
I know of 2 attempts where I had that feeling you discribed so perfectly walking to the stall.
I;ve had many attempts and never had that feeling except twice.
I am a successful suicide. It is an illusion. Suicide is not an option.
You’re biggest problem IMO is that you are quick minded, literal, and never satisfied unless you know the whys of everything. Please read the post called The Pathway of Pain it might help to explain atleast one why
oh yeah and you have been wounded, are a victim, were unwanted or different or any other combo you want you are too sensitive this is not your fault it is just who you are you are different there IS a reason for it
but you are too busy taking over for your abusers and victimizing yourself cuz it’s what you know everything else is just toooo scary
been there done that only way past it is through it
be a warrior…..it was your original intention…..find your road….don’t quit looking
ever listen to Gowan’s song Souls Road give it a try or just read the lyrics
Good luck fellow warriors till we meet in the light once more fight on