If anyone saw me or knew about my life they’d think how lucky I am. I’m in a steady relationship and have a roof over my head with loving family. Â I do have friends at school, and a lot of people tell me I’m pretty.
BUT;
That’s from the outside. No one knows anything about me from the inside. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I can’t talk to my christian family because they’ll just laugh it off as a joke. my boyfriend does understand me but he can’t do anything to help me. i can’t talk to anyone else because i’m afraid of what they’ll say or feel about me.
most nights i can’t sleep til 1am because of my “attacks.” i lay in bed thinking about death, and not being able to feel any emotions, not being able to see, touch or anything. i just can’t bare it. i’ve had these attacks since i was 12, but they weren’t as bad. now, i cry, i shake i can’t breathe i can’t get ahold of myself. i just lose it so bad and i hate it. the worst time i decided to write things down, and i read it after. tbh it creeped me out and now i don’t wanna sleep at night. i just wanna end it all cause im so scared its gonna happen again.
i hate my friends and my life at school. they all smoke, drink and do drugs but little do they know that a lot of my relatives have died/ are dying from smoking, lung cancer and etc. it annoys me but i can’t do anything about it, they’re gonna judge me, and then i’ll have no one. cause i’ve been bullied all my life. i just can’t take it anymore. i don’t know what to do. can i even do anything? besides kill myself? we’ll soon find out, won’t we…
4 comments
@blue: I think I know how you’re feeling. I’m lucky too, wife and 2 wonderful children and my parents are still alive. You probably *are* pretty. 🙂 Your “attacks” sound suspiciously similar to my “dissociative waves”. I was bullied as well.
But trust me when I say that there are people in meatspace who care, you just have to dig sometimes. Even just one family member who will listen (that’s important. when I told my sister what I’d done to myself, she did about 3/4 of the talking in a one-hour phone conversation) and won’t be freaked out by what you’re telling them. Your boyfriend perhaps. He doesn’t need to be a therapist, he needs to be your pillar.
Something you can do (or your boyfriend can do it…if he’s really into you, hurray, cheap source of manual labor 🙂 is to investigate the community assistance groups. Here where I live, there’s an organization called Comtrea, been around for decades. When I quit drinking years ago, I went to AA meetings there. They’ll typically have steeply discounted services, or at least they might offer you a discount if you don’t have insurance.
And then you hunt down your bullies and impale them on stakes and set them in front of your high school as a warning to the other bullies. Okay, no, that’s a cute fantasy, but you have every right to call them out and report them to the school authorities. Don’t think of it as snitching, think of it as “citizens arrest” 🙂
I’ve made it this far — 11 days — and I just take one day at a time and keep my expectations low. That way I’m not disappointed. It’s sadly unfair that depressives have to dig to help themselves. I wish there were more compassionate people in this world.
David V
Everything gets set up in childhood…everything. To the degree that we’re off course is to the degree we’ll experience symptoms that indicate we’re out of whack with our true self.
So it comes up in so many seemingly mysterious ways. All the while we’re just wanting to keep things status quo so as not to have anyone suspect what’s going on inside. But in truth what’s going on outside is of no consequence to the internal tsunami that is trying to shake and wake you up! Not pleasant, I know. Life is an internal experience based on external events.
Because you were bullied and I would guarantee did not receive all the necessary love and support you needed as a child, you were never able to establish a foundation for self confidence and high self esteem. For me, no one tells me how to thing or if I’m good looking or anything, I tell myself…I captain my own ship. All these things you’re experiencing are waking you up to get in touch with that truth so as to be in charge of yourself and understand you don’t need anyone, as long as you have YOU.
It’s hard and I had tons of panic attacks, not to be wished upon anyone. Realize this is what’s happening and all you can do is your best. The more you allow yourself to experience it, as scary as it is, the easier it will be…when you resist, it will be harder. Not helpful advice when you’re in the middle of all of it…but don’t beat yourself up about it…just don’t…the path as strange as it may seem is to learn to love yourself and not need approval from others or feel the need to please others to receive their acceptance. Just decide that nothing is more important than that you feel good and to focus on loving yourself unconditionally. I hope this helps you somewhat. Everyone is worth it, and that definitely includes you….take care.
http://www.nderf.org/NDERF_NDEs.htm
Read some of these stories. I read 4 of them at 3 am. Hopefully this will inspire you and change the way you look at your fears of death.
This isn’t religious, ……… these are stories of NDE’s Near Death Experiences.
I just picked out the ones that stuck out to me, they did make me think.
I am married with 2 children but have severe depression. Family are wonderful but i simply cant go on. i have tried everything but my mind is made up. I have tried the clinic in Switzerland but the law has not yet been passed for my assisted suicide. I will either have to wait dear knows how long or face doing it myself. i would love to talk to someone with the same situation as myself