i haven’t wrote in a while..
i started going to see my counsellor. its been making me feel a bit better. the other day i went bathing suit shopping… and I’m happy with the way my body looks for once!
i haven’t had school in a week. i go back monday. really don’t want to tho. I’ve been enjoying the amount of sleep I’ve been able to get. go to bed at 3:30am wake up at 12:30pm. its been nice.
i still hurt a lot! and i still find myself crying at night. tho not as much as i use to.
my counsellor suggested other things i could do then cutting myself. like squeezing an ice cube in you hand till its gone. or snapping an elastic band on your wrist. (ive been doing that) she also suggested started a journal. so I’ve been writing in it a lot..
i recently got a hair cut. that i actually really like. its short, normal girls wouldn’t get it that short. but its very short. and then my mom let me get purple in my bangs. i just love it. tho i know some people at school will say i look like a guy. i don’t care. but to be, i look like a girl. and thats all I’m going to worry about right now is that i like it, no one else.
i really think i have a bit of bipolar becuz when i started to write this i was happy, but now i just want to cry.. and i don’t know why.
also my piano teacher said i may have arthritis in my hands and fingers… they do hurt a lot after i play piano, or write a lot…
well i think thats all i have to say..
-Morgan……..RawrImaTurtle!
17 comments
Good Morning Morgan,
How are you feeling now? I kinda started the post happy and by the end…well you know…but I also know that it is us causing it…my kid told me so. She told me that on average…emotional pain last 12 minutes…anything more than this is self imposed. What do you think? Both of my girls are dealing with something right now and it is frustrating when they won’t stop causing problems long enough to deal with any of them. Man. I must have drove my mother nuts…they learned from somewhere.
I am glad that you are seeing someone…and I hope that things are going well for you. Just remember that the counsellor or therapist is human too and as such….they are not always right…always use your own wise mind…but keep an open mind. And remember that sometimes tears can be healing…they just make your face swell and look awful…lol…I am allergic to my own tears…I swear..and so is my oldest daughter…but criers for sure…a way of letting some pressure off sometimes…but when you’re done crying…get up and do something else.
I spent many years at the Conservatory at the keyboard…so I do know something about it…lol…I can no longer play…because I no longer have a piano…it was stolen…and I have major arthritis everywhere especially my hands…and I also have carpal tunnel syndrome…but this is how I kept playing as long as I did….wash the dishes in very warm soapy water…about 20 minutes before you sit down to play…take frequent small breaks to stretch your hands and fingers…I use to have a two octave stretch…now I’m lucky to have one….but that isn’t going to stop me either…but not having a piano…not so good…tried using a keyboard…not after playing an upright grand my whole life…lol…so I have decided to re-learn another instrument…the guitar…I start this week coming…a little excited…yup…it has been almost 11 years since I had MY music to calm me. I hope that this helps even just a little.
Something else to keep an eye on…since you’re going to be journalling anyway…another good thing….sometimes the emotions are fueled by thoughts…but they can also be caused by hormones…particularly the female hormones…see if you can find a pattern to the emotions….and see if they don’t get worse or more out of control just before your cycle…if you find this to be the case….talk to your doctor about it…and get your FSH levels done. Also have him check for arthritis…you seem much too young for this…but if you are classically trained…not so much….but get your doctor to take a look at you…esp your hands. And if you are taking oral contraceptives…they may not be the right ones…again talk to your doctor…you may be getting too high levels of Estrogen…also causes the symptoms you are referring to…including the joint pains etc….just check it out…what do you have to lose?
I am just glad you’re back and doing better….but hurry up and get better so you can fix all of us….lol…jk
Namaste
Amakua
Amakua,
Glad to hear from you again. I’m sorry to hear about your children. Hopefully they get better. And that idea, that emetional pain only lasts 12mins long. I’m my sure. It might be true. I’ve never really paused attention to it before. And yah after I cry I always feel like there was a weight lifted off my shoulder. Even if my eyes get all puffy and stay that was for a while. I remember I cried so much one night that the puffiness didn’t go down till the next night. But then I cried again. So it didn’t really ever go away till I stopped crying at night.
It’s to bad you no longer have a piano. I know I just love playing it tho it hurts. I’m not to at the doctor till next fall. My mom has suggested to do some finger/hand exercises. Which I’ve been trying.
I’ve tried playing guitar. My fingers are just so long it’s awkward to play. Lol.
Well I really hope your daughters get through this 🙂
-Morgan
Hey Morgan,
My kids will be just fine…but no one wants to listen to their mother…now do they?…lol. Okay a few tricks of the trade so to speak…when the tears stop…the first thing to do is apply a cool washcloth….seriously….and don’t fall asleep immediately after crying…crying yourself to sleep is never a good thing…one time I cried for days on end…and finally fell asleep exhausted….when I woke up…I couldn’t see…my eyes were swollen shut and the vision was blurry…it has happened again since…but only when I fall asleep…lol…so stay awake and be miserable eh?
As for the piano…my oldest daughter bought one last year…so there is one available…and she says she bought it so I could play it…seems her best childhood memories surround the piano as well…not the conservatory memories…lol…personal ones…but I can still play…but I have lost the dexterity and reach in my left hand…as well in the last few months….I lost use of my left arm…I have to lay it on the desk to keyboard…thank God the hand still works…just not so good. My chiro says playing guitar will also be good for improving the arm and hand dexterity….I know I’m about to get a lot of blisters and callouses…good thing I have a high pain tolerance…cuz I remember that from the last time I learned…lol…pain. Just like my lower back used to go into spasms from sitting at the piano for hours and hours on end.
When it was personal time tho…I could start off playing something dreary and hopeless and play myself into any mood I desired…it was definitely a coping mechanism…I would start out with a Tarantella and kill it…take all my angst out on the keyboard…and then work my way up to any mood I desired…so the music is definitely necessary…and although I enjoy others music immensely….it must be my own in order to play myself up…do you understand this?
It was either you or someone that commented on your post…that posted the video for the Moonlight Sonata…that started this change….I was sitting at my desk playing along….that’s when I knew I still needed to play….but I can’t…so instead of focusing on what I can’t do…I’ll focus on what I can do…right?
And btw…you never did tell us how you did on your seminar on depression…yes I have an annoying memory…lol. Do you go in for holistic medicine?….difficulties with the hands could be stemming from either a blocked chakra or damage in the cervical spine…could you describe the pain a little clearer? I know …hard to do…but try? For some reason I think accupuncture might be in order…but not something I usually recommend or do myself…so really weird. Maybe a blockage in one of the meridians?
In the end,
I am just glad that you’re here and you’re doing better…atleast you sound better.
Lots of Love
Amakua
Amakua,
yes i know i never want to talk to my mom about my depression and this sort of stuff. and thanks for the tips on the crying. i’ll have to try it out. Its good you caw still play the piano.
andyah i know what you mean. id always play things that fit what i was feeling or going threw.
oh and my english oral report on depression went good. i got 80%. thats pretty good 🙂
and my hand and finger pain, when i type (like write now) or when i play the piano. if feels like there locked a bit. its hard to explain. its kinda like when you stub your toe but without the throbbing pain. lol
and i kinda think I’m getting better.. but yet i still feel pain inside, and i always want to cry…. well thats all i can type tonight. my fingers are killing me right now. i hope your doing well.
-Morgan
Hey Morgan,
Sorry I fell asleep…wanted to post a link for you…some help with the old piano hands eh?…ever hear of the Alexander technique?…check it out and hopefully there is something there for you that will help. And when I played…I started out playing my mood…and then changing it…even better. And I get the pain description….that sounds like issues in the cervical spine…probably bad posture…especially if like me you sit for hours and play…lol…and perhaps some tendonitis…do you have any wrist or elbow or shoulder pain?…or is it all in the hands?…and what sort of exercises is your mother recommending?…does she play as well? Well hope to talk to you soon.
Lots of Love
Amakua
And yes 80 is very good…glad I don’t have to make a formal complaint to your teacher…lol…but I would have…lol
http://bridgman.tripod.com/piano/naturalplaying.htm
Amakua,
Yes the pain in just in my hands and wrists. And the exercises are basically just moving your fingers and wrists. So like placing you hands on a flat suffuse and then only lifting you fingers. Stuff like that. And thank you for a link. And lol 😀
-Morgan
Hey Morgan,
If the pain is in your hands AND wrists…then don’t do the exercises…that is repetitive strain injury…and rest and ibuprofen would be best until you can get a proper medical evaluation. Also if you have to continue to play…get two braces for your hands…they have a metal or plastic strip to immobilize the joints…and you should be wearing them on both hands as much as possible…I usually just try to wear them while I sleep…if they don’t bother you…that way…you don’t have to go around looking like a science experiment…lol. And if you start to experience a similiar ache…not pain so much as ache…yes?…in your elbow or shoulder…or you start to notice strength reduction in either arm…run don’t walk to a medical expert…whether acupuncture, chiropractor, medical doctor…but don’t mess with it…I am a good example of what can happen when you pooh pooh it…seriously…some times I bet you even feel like you don’t care if you ever play again…but wait until you can’t…or better yet…don’t wait until you can’t….simple rest and anti inflammatories is the best solution in the meantime…braces even better…but it won’t go away otherwise…and the more you play…the worse it will get…and the quicker it will get there…are you already starting to notice this? So check out the link real good…these are all good things to try in future…but you have to reduce the swelling in your wrist to get rid of the pain in your hands…honestly….okay…I think I repeated myself 15 times now…but I know you understand my panic and concern…I don’t want you to ever have to deal with the pain and prognosis I am now facing…there isn’t even anything they can do surgically…unless I get a total skeleton transplant…ewwww…lol…so I worry…ok all done now…you’re a pretty smart cookie…you might push your limits…but you’re eventually gonna do the right thing…
Only cuz I care
Amakua
Amakua,
I think I look ino the brace thing. And thanks for the feed back. :). Means a lot
-Morgan
@ the turtle
I used to be DOM. You are too young to get arthritis. Keep playing your piano. One of my regrets in life is that I never learnt how to play an instrument. Writing is my real talent but I’m now taking writing classes and am going to take some basics in guitar.
Elusive,
I’m not to young. If I do have it. It’s call Juvenial arthritis. And no worries. I’m not going to stop. It’s the only thing that calms me down and makes me happy for a bit.
Hey Morgan,
Glad to hear you’re thinking about the braces…but as much rest as possible…and advil or ibuprofen in the meantime…if they get too achy. Hope you all the best…there’s playing…and then there’s playing…ahhh…enjoy.
@ Elusive,
This could take some getting used to…but your advice was not appropriate under the circumstances…but if you are going to learn the guitar…you’re about to understand…playing any sort of instrument is painful…especially at first…but she is not a beginner…hence the need for caution…she should not be this uncomfortable…but it can be fixed…this is why pianists are generally so careful about their hands…and take sometimes obsessively good care of them…and for good cause…or so I find out now…lmao…a slow learner for sure…yes I am. So you’re going to learn guitar as well…I did tell you that I am starting to re-learn as well this week?…I am excited and much looking forward to it..even the callouses and blisters…lol…pffft…pain…eh? In the end it is the difference between wanting to play…and needing to play…and sometimes being forced to play…but this one wants to play and needs to play…and so do I…how about you?…and what style are you leaning towards?…any ideas? And are the writing classes offered at night school?…or correspondence?….and look for a new job…and…well damn friend…you do like a challenge…don’t you?…lol
Love to All
Amakua
Amakua,
I meantioned the pain to my mom again. She said we’re gunna have to start moderating it. And if it’s get bad then she’ll take me to the doctor. The pian is more like cracking your nuckles a millions times and the stubbing your toe without the throbbing pain at the same time. Not sure if that made sense or not.
-Morgan
Yes Morgan,
More like an ache…worse than a pain..and a pulling sorta feeling? I also have ganglions on both wrists…do you know what that is? Anyway…good for you…and for your mom…cuz this is nothing to try to get through…that causes more harm.
Good Luck
Amakua
Amakua,
Ye and a pulling feeling. And ganflions? No I don’t think I know what that is. Lol.
And yah. I’m Glad my mom if helping me out with this.
Oh I don’t think I ever told you, I started playing piano in grade 2. So I’ve been playing for about 6 and 1/2 years. I’m in grade 9 now.
-Morgan
Hey Morgan,
A ganglion is a type of cyst…mine are on the top of my wrists…and sometimes these cause pain as well when the cyst interferes with the working of the tendons in your fingers…you would know it if you had one…but google it and see. Well and if you understand the pulling…then definitely tendons involved…and my original prescription is still valid…rest…immobilize as much as possible…and ibuprofen…good. How long do you usually play at one time?…me it took me almost an hour just to get good and warmed up…lol…slow learner here. Are you doing conservatory? And if so…what grade or level are you currently working on…Level 4 still remains my favourite…the one I started playing before lessons…lol. Not that I didn’t just love being browbeaten by the likes of Prof. Charles Etherington…lol. But I absolutely hated recitals….lol…but you had to play recitals to pass the level…so that is why I probably hated the Conservatory so much…oh yeah…that and theory..ugh…
Hope you are having a great day
Lots of Love
Amakua
Amakua,
Yah I’ll look into it. And in piano I’m in grade 4. I’m takin my test in June I think. Tho I’m really not a fan of them. Lol. And I practice for about 20mins a day. Or sometimes long depending on if I’m trying to get something down. Or learn something. And I’ll watch the video and I’ll tell you what I think 🙂 thanks again
-Morgan
I just thought of something….ever hear of Victor Borge?…I love him…a Danish pianist and comedian…he is incredible…will give you a link to check out…let me know what you think…and don’t blame me if you get hooked on him…lol…I chose this video …not because it is his best…but I love the Hungarian Rhapsody…it is soo much fun to play…and Victor Borge style?…too funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyArTMtgT1w