Dear World,
There feels like I have no one at all to talk to, to tell the full truth to. Â Everyone freaks out or threatens to hospitalize me or gets disappointed in me or asks me why I am doing this to them.
It’s not like that. Â I’m not trying to hurt anyone. Â I’m not even trying to hurt myself! Â But it happens whether I try to stop myself or not.
So why am I on here begging for help? Â It’s because I am suicidal. Â I can’t stop it. Â It is a runaway train and I just feel impulsed to jump on the tracks. Â I don’t know if any of you understand. Â I have a strange type of OCD that very few understand. Â I’m not compulsed to clean and straighten and ritualize at all. Â With me it is like there is an invasive second self forcing me to do things that I don’t want to do or putting thoughts in my head that I don’t want to think.
I am a danger to myself. Â At the train station I have impulses to jump on the tracks. Â On a ski lift I feel urges to jump off. Â At dinner I feel like using the steak knife to slit my wrists. Â When I’m taking my medicines I feel like overdosing. Â And no one understands. Â These aren’t thoughts that cross my mind, they are full on assaults that I can’t even control. Â Example, I fought my body tooth and nail four twelve hours straight trying not to overdose on my medications. Â I even was trying to spit them out of my mouth when my body was forced to put them there. Â But I failed. Â And I overdosed. Â These aren’t just little ideas that pop in my mind like “oh, that’s a long fall” Â It’s more like my clutching to the railing with all my might because my body is about to jump off the edge–for real–whether I want to or not.
But it was the strangest thing–the pills. Â When my body won and I started taking them it was the oddest calm. Â The first moment’s peace I had had in so long. Â I didn’t have to fight anymore, it was out of my hands. Â And that peace is so addictive. Â Now things are changing and I want to oblige my impulses. Â Everything is upside down. Â I am so tired of fighting!! Â I just want that peace. Â And I want to hurt myself and I want to die, but the other part of me is grasping that railing reminding me of the value and beauty and accomplishments and opportunities in my life and I want that but I can’t handle this much longer. Â I’m going to snap. Â I’m going to give in. Â And I am scared. Â So scared. Â Because I know this game. Â I’m going to lose.
So goodbye. Â Should I fight till I fail or just give in now? Â I don’t really see a point. Â I feel like my strength is slipping away. Â But I have all these plans for my life. Â Do you see? Â Do you see the way that I am a walking contradiction? Â I am upside down and I don’t know what to do. Â Thanks for listening. Â If you write back, which I would really like, please don’t be rude, I’ve already gotten that response and it made things a lot worse.
12 comments
sparkeyes, don’t give in. Ever. You wrote in your last paragraph that you had all these plans… KEEP THEM! Whatever it takes to succeed, be committed to it. You have a good heart, good intent, a desire for life, and things you want to do. Don’t let anything slip away. It’s been hard… and it will probably be hard for a while… but I suspect it will be worth it. It will take work… but carry out your desires to their conclusion. A
you are really sweet distant.road. i want to achieve my goals, I do. I just don’t know how I am going to get through this. my mom is set that i’m not actually suicidal even though I’ve already attempted once, my father and brother want me to move home to a place I don’t like and leave school and my job and my docs want me in a hospital. nothing fits together. and all i ever do is think about suicide. i can hardly focus on my work anymore. i do have so many awesome goals…you’re right, and solid plans. i just don’t know how to control my impulses and stay alive
Have the docs told you how long you would be in the hospital? What would your goals be while there? I’m sure there are other questions to ask. If your time in a hospital would help stabilize things and help you move forward, that’s one possibility. I knkw school is important to you. It would be important to me. If the docs could help set you up for success in the long-term, maybe it’s something to consider? I would be hesitant to move somewhere you dont know…. far from school… friends… and familiarity.
You have visions… and I’d never want to see you risk your hopes and dreams. You’ve worked hard… You deserve some rewards.
i’ve been in the hospital 5 times. five. and i just feel like there is little i can get out of it at this point. i know they would keep me safe but i know how it works, it’s a quick fix to open up the next bed. they keep you until they think you are stable enough not to kill yourself and then let you go for it to happen all over again. : ( the only hospital i would be willing to go to, which sounds weird being as I don’t want acute care, is if they sent me to one of those 1/2-full year institutions and i can take time to work my life out. but I don’t know if my dad would pay for that or if my mom could handle it. i’ll go to the acute care if they make me i just don’t see the point.
I work at the Academy of Natural Sciences and I absolutely love it. I would hate to lose everything I love. I just honestly don’t know if i can do this anymore, and no one really believes me. My mom is in denial about it.
I can understand your willingness to go for the longer-term option knstead of anothet quick-trip through the acute care process. If longer-term care isn’t feasible, are there other resources you can use? In other words, if you stay with your job (I’m glad you love it!) and school, can you see therapists regukarly.. have on-call support as needed… etc… so that you can continue moving forward. It seems much more beneficial psychologically to participate in activities you enjoy if resources can support you.
Lots of parents have a difficult tine admitting when their daughtet/son is having a serious situatoon developing. My parents are part of the down playing group… they want the best for me and have a hard time seeing otherwise.
I do see doctors every week, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. mom wants me to just stick it out but i don’t think she knows what it might cost me. i’m already convulsively scratching my skin off….i don’t know how to hold off everything else tumbling down on me.
I think the best advice is to do what you think needs to be done to help you succeed… psychologocally, interpersonally, academically, and… most inportantly… at life. It sounds like you have some good resources… if you don’t go back in the hospital, can they work with you on succeeding from week to week? If you didnt go back in the hospital, their decisions and advice from week to week would literally determine your success. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. It shouldn’t be so hard to live out your heart’s desires. I have to have faith that the end result… your success.. will make it all worth it.
Thank you so much distant.road….i really appreciate your advice. see the thing is that my one doctor is about to drop me and the other is mad at me, so I am kind of at a loss. but i have an appointment at a cognitive therapy center next week for a new evaluation so maybe that will help. It means a lot that you believe in me. I don’t really believe in myself so much right now. Maybe that will change. I hope. I just need to pull through and I can’t promise anybody I will because I don’t trust myself
Perhaps the new evaluation at the cognitive therapy center will be a new chapter. It’s not a bad idea to have a new set of eyes look at and assess a situation. There are always different and evolving methods to working things through. I not only believe in you… but I want to see your hopes and dreams come to fruition. There is nothing wrong with doubting yourself… or not trusting yourself. Those doubts can make you think things through and review the path you’re on. BUT DON’T STOP! You don’t have to promise me you’ll pull through. I -know- you will.
there is everything in this world from the weakest to the strongest and everything in between, so how u ‘feel’ IS in the realm, the spectrum of ppl in this world is wide, there are all kinds of us, if u take urself out of the box and look back in it, u will c that u r not alone, there are millions in that box with you….
I know I’m not alone…my situation is in no way unique. I just don’t have the ability to fight it right now. And I am trying to find that strength
U will ALWAYS b able to decide wat is best for urself…u r the one living it n noone else. we always ‘find’ the strength from somewhere, been doing it for 50yrs, i have given to meds now, they put a ‘cap’ on ur feelings so u r emotionless…..