I met my husband 8-years ago, online, in a most conceivable place. My need to get away from the reality that surrounded my life led me into an unknown abyss inside the virtual world, that continues till today. I never asked for an ideal living but the constant fights between my parents were a bit too much for my 18 year old soul. I struggled with the yelling and screamings, petrified that they would someday lead to something far worse. Hiding my head under the pillow did not work for too long since afraid as I was of the fights the thought of not knowing what was happening was scarier. So I tried to lose myself in the world wide web. Things seemed to improve when I met him, I felt I had a hope for a better future despite my scarred present self. Although, it didn’t last either, to him I was a weakling, far beyond help. He stuck by me till he possibly could and then left dicouraged and lost. I do not blame him really, I would leave me too if I could. Now I am with another man who emtionally and (sometimes) physically abuses me. I have no friends to confide in, only an unlikely flair to write. I think about dying everyday, that is the only thought that keeps me going, anything else is not acceptable.
Hopefully I can get my way someday.
5 comments
You like writing? Cool! Why don’t you divorce that dude and write cool stuff about death? That’d be awesome. Like, idk if you’re into fiction, but you could have like, a main character that’s suicidal and such. But yeah, abusive relationship, is there really much choice? You’ll feel worse if you stay with him.
I agree with Sirachick. The first thing you need to do is to lose the loser that is abusive before it gets worse. Then find something you like to do. If it’s writing then write. Put it out on the web. There are many places you can put your work on. Like a blog or even if you like writing short stories or poems you can put that kind of stuff on a website: poems-and-quotes.com this is an awesome web site cause you can get feedback on your creations. Just whatever you do get out of that abusive relationship and find a person you can talk to.
I have been in your place when it comes to your parents. Just wait. I promise it will get better.
if you would like to get a hold of me email me at jlynne009@yahoo.com even if it’s just to vent or whatever it maybe. Just know that someone out in the world cares!
Well you are in a hopeless world at the moment, I myself do have a boyfriend who does drink, and when drunk gets aggresive, but when he is sober we get on great, which I will not leave him, because he has never lifted a hand to me, only shouts and swears when drunk, but the good times out weigh the bad, but if you have no good times and only bad, then what are you in the relationship for? and you sure might have needed some1 when you were younger, my mom was a bit of a psycho, but i like to think i have grown now, and am able to change my life how i see fit, and if something is NOT good for me…. it must go, and i will survive 🙂
Hello,
First let me tell you that you are lovely. Yes, lovely. I know this because you have been sharing your wonderful, loving self with someone who has serious anger issues and cannot appreciate you, and inflicts pain unto you. Yet you care enough that you still stay. And you internalize all their anger and pain, and turn it in on yourself, as if you suddenly had no value and no reason or right to be here. I’m sorry, but this makes no logical sense.
Think about it.
The way someone treats you is of no reflection of who YOU are. It is but a reflection of their own emotional state. It says nothing about you as a person, nothing about what you deserve, your value, etcetera. It is all them. If a person has enough power to make you devalue yourself, then it would likely behoove you to take your wonderful, beautiful self elsewhere where you can grow as a person, and refill the emply places that they have left you with. This ability was instilled into you from birth. You have the power.
In the scheme of the universe, it is of no matter who loves you and who does not. The ONLY thing that really matters, the KEY to life, is to learn to love yourself. No matter what.
Keep this truth close to your heart my dear, and you can conquer anything.
Much Love
This is my last reply for the day because this place brings back memories that are not too good ones, believe me. Many people seek an online game to hide and play out fantasies. You may have been able to hide your true self for far too long there and forgot too often about the real world. “friends” I also thought I had there and added to my emails never speak to me, so we were online friends only and that is to be expected. We didn’t really “know’ each other well.
I fell in love, deeply, while playing an online game , too. But it is not real until you bring it to reality, is it? Your heart was there and some of your mind, but you hid yourself so did not portray the real you. Too many senses are not there… and you are an anonymous entity and that is the only reality. In real, your online lover had to walk eggshells because in real you were the person afraid of hurt and the realities of a relationship.
Sigh. I will sound like a broken record here, but I also was abused, very badly by my first husband. I let it happen because I felt he loved me and the monster was not always there. He also gave me Herpes and took control of my life by driving away friends. He made life miserable but I was in denial as I “loved him” but really I felt I needed him and didn’t want to be alone. it was a tragic mistake, but needed to be undone much sooner then I did as I also became ill… partially because of stress triggers…. (like being thrown downstairs and having my nose broken)
Wrenching myself free took many years, but I found the path. There are ways to get out if you need help, you just have to ask for help. Shelters are available. Help is available. Look for battered women help in your area. I sought help from a therapist only after and should have sought help to find strength when I really needed it.
I am able to look at my life without agony and see the past for what it is… the past and gone. To morrow looks brighter if you look at it that way!
The past has been your crutch for too long and lost you a love already. Don’t let another day go by where the past rules you. Choose to build a better life for yourself and to love yourself. Learn how to be in a relationship so you DON’T make the mistakes your parents did. Your future will thank you!
Hugs and thanks for letting me share some of my life with you. May good thoughts and happiness rule!