To All On This Site: Read This. It is for You!

First I want to thank everyone for their replies to my 3 prior posts. Thank your for your time and concern, we are all loving, worthy beings who are joined by our pain and plight to regain our joy! This is part of a conversation I had with a dear friend of mine, who was also suicidal. I was explaining to him about an interview I had recently with an elderly gentleman who had been suicidal in his 50s. This is an excerpt of the conversation, but it makes so much sense, and it is true for all of us. The first part is just me explaining my life at the time, the rest is what the old man said:
I mean I would be on the computer and in books for hours every night searching for the best way to end it. Thought I’d hit the jackpot a few times, only to speak to soon and find out it was either agonizing, long and drawn out, messy, or better chance I’d be left still alive but rather incapacitated by brain damage and then unable to finish the job if I even wanted to, making my life more miserable than before. All of those things, I must admit, scared me more than continuing to live in a depressed state. Take it from one who knows. Regardless of what you read or hear, there is no 100% quick, easy, painless way to do it. All options actually suck big time if examined thoroughly.

So I thought, Damnit. Oh well. I don’t have to be here forever anyway, I mean, the cosmos could drop me dead tomorrow!

And I also thought, of all the phases we go through in life, at every age, we change. We NEVER stay the same, no matter what emotional state we’re in. So, we won’t be happy always, sad always, apathetic always, etc. These feelings naturally fluctuate, that’s the way the brain works. Over time our perceptions will change with incoming information. So, it’s a high possibility that you and I, on our elderly deathbeds, will be not afraid of death because we weren’t afraid of life, however imperfectly we lived it. We will then be able to make that transition the natural human way. This is my true hope, not only for you but for myself as well, despite my ongoing depression.
 
Think about it.  You really have ultimate freedom and power to do anything you possibly wish to do, (enjoying life again included).  After all, haven’t we seriously taken control a few times in our lives? When and where did we forget how to do that? 
But it is my hope that you give your lovely self a chance to grow more, to eventually enter a new phase in your life, as you undoubtedly will. Even if you’re in a long-phased rut now.
 
Please know that as I say these things to you in a very, perhaps “chipper” tone, I am not some happy-go-lucky young punk chick who thinks her little problems are bad. I have been through alot of intense emotional trauma and pain in my short life, and I am often very morbidly depressed and apathetic. The few things I mentioned to you aren’t half of what constitutes the pain in my heart. The existential frustration is the ultimate worst.
 
But I have tried (unwittingly at first) to USE this depression, this shuffle between emptiness, no feelings, meaninglessness, hopelessness, self-hatred, anger, hope, joy, all of it, to learn more about myself and to somehow become a stronger and different person. Trust me, I didn’t think it was possible. I heard everyone talk about how what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I thought it was, well, bullshit. And it is for some people if they make it such. You have the power to make out of this gray stage whatever you want.
SOmetimes I fear that I’ll always have severe bouts with depression, wanting to end it all. I wonder if the next time it will be even worse than the last. How will I survive it again, especially if it’s more severe? It scares the HELL out of me. Part of me doesn’t want to deal witht that.

But then I remember the little happy times, the small comforts and joys stuck in the collage of fear and pain. Theyre jewels to me. Just like I am a jewel to someone, like my mom. Are you someone’s jewel? Do you have a family? Friends, pets?
 
I once heard something from an old hippie-type man who said he contemplated suicide when he was in his “blah” stage as he called it. At the time I talked to him he was in his 70s. I asked him why he ultimately didn’t do the deed when he do desperately wanted to end it. He told me that he had committed suicide. “What?” I asked, perplexed.
 
Seeing my obvious bewilderment he explained that, he did let die the part of him that needed to die. He said, “when most people think of suicide they interpret it as killing of one’s physical body. The problem with that is, the body is simply an organism, it has done nothing in relation to the way you feel and knows not what ails the soul. It is simply the vehicle to act out that which the real you (inside), the part that hurts, is feeling. This vehicle is the only real material item that we individually posess and have dominion over, it is given to us and we are responsible for caring for it the best we can while it houses us temporarily. It is not responsible for that which our soul/spirit suffers from. The physical body cannot cause neither feel emotional pain, only physical pain. So it is entirely logical to conclude that if  one kills their physical body when it is the spirit that is hurting, this will cause no change to the way the spirit feels, it will only produce the end result of killing the organism. So with that realization, I decided that killing of my body was of no use to me, only killing, or rather “letting die” the wounded and unfeeling parts of my spirit that were holding me back from progressing in my life the way I knew that I should.”
 
Ah, don’t you just love how pure logic can really solve almost any problem!
 
He was speaking in spanish when I talked to him, so this is not word-for-word but it is basically what he said. I will never forget that old man! He was so serene, so peaceful and joyful. It was like nothing bothered him anymore, he had no fear of this life or what happened afterward. He knew he existed because he is a part of the universe, a part of everything, meaning that he would always be, in some form or another. He knew there was an intelligent, perfect design to everything, an ultimate reason for his existence.

For his spiritual “suicide, what he did was first ask himself what he really wanted: his immediate, superficial mind was telling him he wanted to die. He asked again if that was what he really “wanted?” He realized the fact that he wanted to “die” was really a mask, secondary desire in direct relation to what he really wanted and his apparent inability to obtain it. What he really wanted was to feel like his life had meaning and that he had a purpose, an ultimate purpose, and control over his life and his destiny. Yet he seemed to feel that all his life he had just “gone wherever the wind blew him”, wherever his life took him instead of taking his life wherever he wanted it to go. He said he often felt useless like he made no difference in the world, like his life could have been better if HE’D been better and not missed so many opportunities when he was younger. He felt intense guilt over past actions he couldn’t correct. He didn’t feel he was worthy of progressing even if he could. He felt that anything he did from then forward would just be a waste of his fading energy, and would be utterly pointless anyway.
 
Upon realizing what he really wanted and the root to his apathy, he tried to change his perception of life. He began (very slowly) to see each day as a new day to think in a different way and see how this viewpoint mixed with new opportunities could change his life. He decided to let go of the guilt and emotional baggage he’d felt for years. He stopped “thinking” of things before doing them. Started going out, traveling, getting involved in other people’s lives, talking to homeless people and taking them out to lunch. THings that would have seemed SO out of character for him in the past. Changing his actions changed his mind about many things. He began to like himself again, and laugh again, and surprise himself with himself!
Sorry if this is long-winded but it just remidns me so much of you! Not that I know you terribly well but I’ve been thinking about him lately and I thought it might be helpful for you. I wonder how he is doing these days. I interviewed him while studying abroad in Belize.
 
Anyway, just an analogy that the body is probably not what needs to change form or die, but rather some other part of who you are either needs to change because it no longer represents/suits who you want to be, or perhaps some part of you IS dying, as little parts of us die each day to make way for newer, better facets of who we are. Oh boy do I know how miserable and “gray” (the best word I can think of to describe it) this spiritual dying process can be, but I think it is actually a creative process if you give it a chance.

Many of you have read my posts and been with me during my painful yet creative spiritual journey. I must tell you, talking with this ola man (Bartolo was his name) really opened my eyes to a new perception of life. THis dialogue took place not only for me, but for all of you as well. I truly hope it helps others the same way it helped me.