A dream that lead to an attempt suicide and depression

just before i start of how i attempted suicide and got depression over a dream i had, i would like to say this might be long and goes for 1500 words.. sorry for so long.. please read it and thanks 🙂

This happend last year when i was 14 years old, i am currently 15 years old…. here what happend. This is in term 3 year 8. I fell asleep on a sunday night, that night i had a dream, i was staring into the eyes of this really beautiful blonde girl… it felt like minutes, just her and me in black emptyness staring into each others eyes, it felt like minutes. I woke up that morning and im like whoah she is beautiful this is the best dream ever, but really what i didn’t know was this dream was just about to ruin my whole life, all my happines and an attempt suicide. That morning i had a happy feeling, i smiled thinking today is going to be great! i had breakfast, the last time i had it was about a coupple of days ago so that was good. I went to school and hey it’s a friday! i got sport in the morning, i was really happy! anyway enough of this crap of what exactly happend, it was about half way into sport when we all had a break to get some water from the taps, so i went there with my friends getting a sip of water and as im drinking the water i hear my friend talking someone, i look up and see her looking at this blonde girl, she had her back to my so i didn’t see who she was and i ignored it, anyway i was messing around with my friends at the taps, taking hardly any notice at my friend chatting some girl up. After a while we decided to go back to class and when i turned and looked over where my friend was that blonde girl turns around and i swear my heart missed a beat, it was somthing i never felt before, i could not beleive my eyes!! it was her! i have no idea who she was and i never seen her and there she was… the rest of the day i kept thinking to myself who was that girl. After school i emailed sarah ( my friend who was speaking to her at sport) and asked her who was that girl, she asked why and i made up a story that one of my friends secretly likes her and wants to know her name and what class she was in, she said her name is Hayley and she is in 8L. Then i said thanks and she told me to hold on and asked who was this friend and eventualy after some talking i told her it was me and then she agreed to get me to speak to her.  Daily for the next 5 days me and sarah after school spoke about her after school for about 3 hours and after 5 days i agreed to talk to her because im shy and didn’t know really how to speak to a girl, plus adding she was in my dream… anyway sarah told Hayley to meet her at my lockers at 8:30 in the morning, 10 minutes before class,  sarah is in my class so my locker is right beside her’s. BUT sarah didn’t tell me that today we were going to do it and i was standing there reading a book and i look up and sarah and hayley are talking about 7 meters away and sarah was looking at me to signal to come into the say hi but it was all of the sudden, out of the blue! and im shy and couldn’t so i walked off feeling very disapointed, the rest of the day at school i felt like crying… i was depressed and this when it all started, i stop talking to sarah after that and i was sad for the rest of the term feeling useless and stupid and dumb and stuff like that everytime i saw hayley at lunch time, and what pissed me off was the boys i saw she would talk to every day.. i thought life is stupid… why live? so the term finished and it was the holidays witch goes on for 2 weeks, i had fun with my friends and forgot about her and school and the last 4 days of the holidays, reddy to start term 4, last term before year 9. i got depressed then and thought i should commit suicide.. i wrote up a 600 word suicide note to hayley about why i did it and to make her to notice i was a person in this world, not a shadow. i choose overdose and looked at some pills and i went to my mums cabnit with the pills and grabbed 70 tablets. it was sunday, the day before term 4 starts and i was going to kill myself tommorow too, my older brother smokes so after dinner i went into his room got a cigarette and smoked for the first time… i loved it. i had to see why it was so popular, i loved that feel. anyway it was about 10:00 at night checking my emails for the last time when i got a message from sarah saying why have i looked depressed before the holidays? and i just told her everything… i said bye and went to sleep… i got up in the morning on monday and i went to school happy knowing i might die today! after period 1 and 2 it was recess, i planned to do it then. my heart beated faster when i was at my locked and got my bag over my shoulder with the pills in it and was walking over to the toilets, sarah told me not to kill myself but she didn’t know i was going to do it today, i told her tommorow and anyway we spoke for a while and i told her i woun’t do it and faked a smile, the bell went and she went to class however i continuted to the toilets, i was in the bathroom, locked in the cubicle and i got my 70 pills out my water and opened all the 70 pills and put it into a glass cup i brought to school, i filled it with tap water, i was about to drink it when out of no where the cubicle door opens up fast and 2 teachers are there and i knew i failed, i don’t know how but it might of been sarah thinking i lied and she saw me go to the bathroom… i kicked the teachers and ran off while trying to drink the water and pills, i swallowed about 22 pills before the teacher catches up and hits the glass to the floor and i started to cry. they took me to a room and waited after school and when it was after school called my mum and told her what happend, next day i had to go back to the same room with same teachers and they said i got a anpoitment with a pscyharatrist, i went with our school counciller, my mum agreed and had to work…. anyway after about 1 hour of talking she mentiond a ward where i sleep eat drink and go to 1 hour of school there and there will be nurses and stuff there to help me get better, i agreed to go because i wanted to get out of school for a while to get alone time, i got sent to a mental hostipal or ward for 3 weeks. i liked it there. after that i went back to school after i got discharged, everyone know what happend about my suicide attempt and kept quiet about it but my friends asked about it and i todld him the story, anyway after 4 more weeks i finished year 8 and was starting year 9 but out of no where my mum desided to move schools …. so now here i am year 9 in a new school as a loner, only 4 friends… at balwyn before my attempt i had like 40 friends i was popular for my 5 sespensions in 6 weeks! that was year 7 but i won’t go into that , im about a 7/10 not hot and not uguly people say. anyway im here at a new school with like 4 friends… i hate it here. i started to cut a few weeks ago becasue of depression and stress but i stopped that because i cut so deep  this one night i had to get stitches and it was so deep in my arm i nealy went to hostipal  but i stitched and steralised it myself without mum knowing. now i quit that i got scars on my arm i hide every day! so that what happend last year…  i was so stupid to kill myself over some girl in my dream?? anyway im sorry if you read all of this.. so long! 1450 words! i wrote this all without stopping and thinking what happend, i remmember it that much all the detail. anyway thanks for listening