When I came across this site after googling the words ‘I hate myself and can’t take anymore’. I knew exactly what I wanted to say – that I have only two reasons to live – my son and daughter – both under 6 years old – the youngest only a baby (who has a terrible cold at the moment). I’m very tired from sleepless nights and haven’t really recovered from post natal depression and a ‘breakdown’ two years ago. I have had to give up work and ‘sign on the sick’ (I live in the UK). I do have a caring husband – but he has health problems of his own. From experience, I know that the only one who will get me out of it is myself, but at the moment I really don’t have the energy or enthusiasm.
To try and boost my self esteem – I’m helping out with a community play – something I usually enjoy, but with things going wrong with this too I am feeling overloaded and run down and – if it wasn’t for my two little reasons, felt like I was ready to throw in the towel, permanently and not just on the play.
However after reading what other people have written, my ‘helpful’ side is kicking in and although I can see that for some I will be ignored, hopefully for others – I will have some words of wisdom that may help. Pity I can’t find anything like this project more locally to me.
It’s hard work to smile sometimes – but usually worth it in the end.
Thank you
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Some of us are so alone and I can understand that type of depression. I find it hard to imagine that someone with a loving partner and two children can feel the same way. I’m sorry that you do, but I hope you’ll come to realize that you have so much more to fight for than most of us.
It’s surprising isn’t it – you think that some people have everything on the surface, but when that maggot of depression gets in, for some people it is impossible to shift. I was first diagnosed with clinical depression age 17. I tried to commit suicide when I was 20 – when it seemed a lot was going well – I didn’t have a partner but didn’t have a need for one, I was doing my dream job (unpaid), yet my housing was appalling – with a depressant there is always some reason and it is not always the ‘relationship’ thing. My partner is loving, but has his own issues to deal with and usually relies on me to help fight them – which is difficult as I don’t have a lot of energy at the moment. I have friends who are childless and can’t understand my problem – although I was told that I couldn’t have children several times (I’m 42 now). One thing I have found is that when depression strikes – many ‘victims’ – the depressed person will blame many other things and say things like ‘if only’ . For example – ‘if only I had friends my life would be so much better’, ‘if only I had a better job’, ‘a better house’, ‘lived in a different place’, ‘had more money’ and so on. It has taken a very long time for me to see that blaming external things, situations and people really isn’t going to kill the beast – the depression. The depression is within you and only you can deal with it. Others may help, advise, interfere and some believe chucking pills down your throat will make a difference (I refuse drugs now), but only you can find your path as your depression is unique to you. I’m just getting myself through a bad spot now – it’s really hard and I am very tired – I have a team of professionals helping me (thank god for the NHS!) but at the end of the day we all know – only I can kill the beast of depression – or at least subdue it enough to get on with life and that is always welcome. Thankfully, experience has proved this many a time.
Good luck in finding a way to kill your beast preferably without having to kill yourself – it can be done – I am living proof. 🙂
Hi Lady E,
You said that a depressed person will blame things and say “if only”, and I see myself in that. But if changing those things won’t help, then what can? I’m asking because I’m clueless.
It’s surprising what things can be changed – especially the way you look at things. Some would call it your ‘attitude’. What is the main ‘if only’ for you now?
I feel alone so I’m trying to be a more likeable person all around.
I’m asking as I hope I can help a bit – sometimes it’s a lot easier to talk to an unknown on the internet then face to face. I know I have no reason to judge or criticise anyone here and hopefully it will be a safe space for all of us.
And I’m glad you asked.
I have to go out in a minute – don’t want to, but if I don’t then I will let people down – including myself. It’s like swimming up hill sometimes. I’ll get back as son as, but while I’m gone – ask yourself the following;
Why do you feel you need to be more likeable?
What does a ‘likeable’person look like / act like?
Why is that image so far removed from yourself?
I have been in exactly that position (how old are you, by the way? ) – it’s a scary place to be, but you can get through it – it’s tough, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks they might be able to help. 🙂
I’m 27.
I don’t know, I’m somewhat already likeable because if I do the first move with the few people I know then I’m seen nice and all, it’s just that I must always do the first move to exist. If I disappear for a month or two (already did this) nobody asks. I guess this is what I get for having never invested in friendships in my life, I’m never more than an acquaintance.
I’m always been a bit of a solitary kind and I didn’t realized I was so alone when I was in a relationship, but having all your emotional needs in one person gets you really alone when that person leaves.
I don’t really know what I need to do, be fittier, dress better, be less shy… It’s more to persuade myself that there’s a key.
You sound exactly like me when I was younger – I was always very shy and solitary then I went to college and decided to make more friends – I always made the first move – and yes I did seem to have plenty. Then like you, I stopped making the effort and ‘disappeared’ – when nobody seemed to care where I went, it upset me and amplified the already underlying feelings of low self esteem , self worth and self loathing that plagued me. The truth is, many of my friends thought that I had just made the decision to have some space and didn’t want to know them and in short their feelings of insecurity had surfaced. It’s one of those annoying ‘conundrums’ I think they call it. You project the image of happy bubbly, life and soul of the party – the perfect hostess and people who need this are immediately your devote followers. As soon as you switch the glamour off and start to show what you could call ‘the real you’, your followers get scared and run to the far corners to lick their wounds – facing up to insecurities they hoped to hide. It happens to me over and over again – there are true friends out there – as I found out tonight when hubby got caught in traffic and I had to find someone to look after the children in a hurry -someone who I have only just started being friends with (her daughter and my son are in same class). She stepped in straight away and helped and reassured me. She knows that I am getting treatment as she saw me going into the Depression and Anxiety place, but she is sensible enough to just let me get on with it – encouraging only when necessary. Another person I know through my baby group looks likely to be a friend too. Both are just drifting to me when I need them and hopefully I can be there for them to – it’s encouraging and shows I’m on the right track … it gives me hope.
You’re lucky, people usually run away when I show there’s more under the cover, but maybe it’s just me getting closer in a creepy way, I don’t know.
It’s amazing what a little time can do. At 27 I met my husband when he gatecrashed a party I was holding and we now have two kids. I certainly didn’t expect that – I never really bothered with relationships before as I had convinced myself that guys I liked were just taking the piss or ‘doing it for a bet’ if they talked to me, and others were just creeps. The one rule I set was never to just have a guy for the sake of having a guy and that to be able to stand alone was just as important as a relationship. It’s not all ‘happy happy joy joy’ for me and hubby,but we get along, have shared tastes and humour – just enough differences to make things interesting, sometimes more of a realistic, rather than romantic relationship, sometimes the other way round. It’s tough on him at the moment as my depression threatened to take control and started to make him depressed. That’s when I sought professional help. The new friends are just appearing as I fight the urge to just hide away and make myself go out and do stuff, I am still undergoing treatment – about to start a new phase with it and I often wonder if I am in control. This site looks like it’ll be helpful … I just need my baby to sleep through the night so I can get enough sleep to get on with my next step – whatever that may be. But that’s the thing – you really can’t predict the future – no matter how it looks now – all you can do is fight the monster of depression to give yourself an opportunity to have a future.
I’m sorry but it’s all but a relief to me to know that someone was like me but then some people entered his/her life and things changed, because it makes me think that nobody is entering mine to change things. I’ll even eat my own shoes to meet a friend, hell I’m so craving bonds that I can go down the street, hug a stranger and tell him/her the pathetic story of my life.
someone is horny lol
I don’t find it funny…
so sorry elleonil 🙁 I was in a playful mood yesterday
Being happy is a good reason so no problem 😀
Hello again, a few things that helped me;
1:Moving away from where I was (I found a way to go uni – found out there was a grant I was eligible for) – this helped to put me in a place where I discovered more like minded people.
2: Making space for me and what I liked to do. I managed to put myself in a place where I could say – I am me – join the party or keep your opinions to yourself.
3: Got rid of dependence on pills/alcohol and so on – I managed to find somewhere where I could get be treated more holistically – homeopahty, aromatherapy, spiritual healing – I tried them all in donation sessions run by a natural health clinic – volunteering for students to practice on helped too – not a major cure all but a welcome distraction and sometimes that moment away from the whirr and chaos of the real world helped.
4: Uni had a very inspirational counsellor that my GP put me in touch with. I know things are different in the US, but I believe there are some reputable charities out there that can help
5: Acceptance that I may falter again, but things will turn around in the end
6: Not to put all my eggs in one basket – I got too close to one person and it turned sour – try to have a few friends in different areas – then if one falters – the others may still be around. Sometimes focussing to closely on one friendship group blinkers you so much that you don’t notce the friend waiting on the sidelines
I suppose I am lucky in a way – but if you met me about ten years ago I wouldn’t be the same person I am today. I probably wouldn’t believe what people were saying about how it can all get better either – but you have to perserveer (not sure I spelt that right). My Neice is going through the mill at the moment – we are all rallying round to hopefully steer her in the right direction. Reading lots helps as well
Another exercise to try:
Draw up a list of what you imagine your perfect friends would be like and where they are most likely to be
Draw up two more lists about yourself and your image/likes/dislikes/wishes etc – do them in tandem. One Positive, one Negative – for every negative you must find a postive – you don’t have to find a negative for every positive though.
Lose the negative list then compare the positive one to the image of perfect friends – see how many parallels you can find, then hopefully you will have a clear idea of where to start and what to do to make your dream come true. Good luck 🙂