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I am 15 years old. I know that the things in my life that have made so depressed and screwed up don’t really compare to other peoples’ problems, but I sincerely hope that NO ONE has to go through the pain that I have experienced and I hope that NO ONE ever feels the immense pain that I must live with everyday. And most importantly, I hope that NO ONE hates themselves as much as I hate myself.

My story is this:

I was born with a cleft pallet and lip. I have had 10 and counting surgeries, something no one should have to go through. Each surgery just gets worse. Because I was born with this birth defect, I have non existent self worth. I hate myself. I feel as though I am an ugly, mutilated monster. I never feel beautiful or the slightest bit pretty. This is the main root of all my problems and this is one of the biggest reasons I am suicidal and depressed. I have had these thoughts since 5th grade, but they never really developed into depression until the summer between 7th and 8th grade. I visited my cousin across the US. She is the same age as me and I hung out with her and her popular friends. For some reason, I felt shy and awkward and I didn’t hit it off with anyone. I started to feel ugly. I started to feel like something was wrong with me. I started to become sad all the time, I thought there must be SOMETHING wrong with me because I couldn’t befriend these people. I then returned to school my 8th grade year and every last one of my friends no longer went to the same school. I was utterly, hopelessly alone. I felt like an alien. I felt like I didn’t belong. I started to think about how being ugly effected my personality and how no one wanted to be friends with me because I was ugly. I thought that I didn’t DESERVE to talk to anyone or make new friends because I was ugly.

I told my best friend that I liked him. He told me I was the ugliest girl on this Earth, that no one would ever want to date me because of my fucked up face. He told me that it wasn’t just the way I look, it was also my personality and my whole being in which everyone despised. He told me this a lot. This just made me believe even more that I was ugly and that I was a parasite to the people who I came in contact with. I started to think about suicide right then. I cried myself to sleep every night for months. I thought about killing myself every minute of the day. I thought about how better off everyone, including myself, would be if I were gone, dead, and never to return. Up until this point, I had always been a pretty religious person and I used to love God and pray every night and I used to think that if something bad happened, it was just the way things were meant to be and everything would work out okay. Well, at this point I started to resent God and I started to feel like he wasn’t deserving of my faith, after all if God does exists and truely controls everything then He makes us all suffer. My faith, spirit, and mind were broken and un-fixable by now.

My Dad is also a big factor in why I am so messed up. I have a half-brother (I am younger) from my Dad’s first marriage and my Dad treats him like a Prince. My Dad treats me like shit. Nothing I do is EVER good enough and according to him I am a “Stupid piece of worthless shit that will never get anywhere in life” I am “A disrespectful little ***** with no future.” I believe him. I truly believe that nothing I do is ever good enough. After I do something I always come up with ways of why it sucks and how it could be so much better. I constantly judge everything I do, and I constantly compare myself to other people. Everything I do sucks. I want to be a Graphic Designer, and not even my art is good enough to go far with my art career. I will never get into a good college because my grades are crappy. I will never be able to go to F.I.T. and live in Manhattan and become an artist. I have no future ahead of me, and that makes me sad. That makes me dread what lies ahead.

I have liked a friend  for 7 months now, but he will never like me. He likes a really good friend of mine, and I am trying to set them up which is slowly killing me inside. It’s not that I am depressed because this specific person does not like me, I’m depressed because NO ONE will ever like me because I’m an ugly, worthless girl with no future to look forward to. I don’t expect to ever get married, why would someone want to spend the rest of their life with me?

I have realized that all my “friends” are assholes. I now only have 5 people I actually like. Out of those 5, I can actually talk to 2 of them, but they don’t know how bad it is.

I cut myself. I usually only just scrape the skin of my arm, but a month ago I made myself bleed. The scary part is that I enjoyed it. I have tried not to do it again, because everyone asked me what happened to my arm. I told them I tripped and fell, I’m pretty sure no one believes me. Every moment of every day, suicide is imbedded into my thoughts, actions, and words. I know I’m too much of a ***** to go through with it though, because I am terrified of feeling pain.

Well, to conclude this very long, pathetic, and stupid post about my sad life story that I’m sure none of you care about, I wish I were dead. But I’m too afraid to do it myself.