‘Oh, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.’
‘In the grander scheme of things, you are really insignificant.’
‘You’re too young.’
‘How can you expect anyone to care for you, to love you, if you don’t love yourself?’
‘We’ve spent this much money on you, the least you can do is pay us back.’
Yeah. Okay. I comprehend that. I don’t stop thinking about them for a moment.
But I’m 19 years old and I am tired. I am tired of clawing my way through classes, I am tired of not being able to look anyone in the eye because I’m afraid of them, I am tired of not wanting to wake up in the morning because I feel so miserable about myself.
I don’t have to want for anything, save for my loftiest desires. I come from a good family.
I found this site by accident while I was looking for prison letters.
I have a recurring dream. In it, there’s always some major event happening. A wedding, a reunion, a funeral. Some odd, out-of-place location. Everyone’s so happy. I am dimly aware of what’s going on. It feels like my higher thinking functionabilities have been turned off, leaving only instinct and animalistic senses. I’m furious. Trying so hard to get away, to stay away from the revelers because I know I’ll do something bad. The place turns into a labyrinth. The principal person of attention is forcing his/her merry way into my path, and no matter what I do, I can’t shake him/her. S/he manages to blockade my path. Blank rage overtakes me as I tear him/her apart. Then I wake up.
This little number has been keeping me awake for the past two months. It’s playing on my mind, the fear that I’ll lose my sanity, that, in the end, I’ll be reduced to nothing more than an indiscriminate, bloodthirsty animal.
I think that I’ll be better off with peace. That it’d be better for me and for everyone involved in my life if I just disappeared altogether.
Except.
There’s a plethora of things I want to do. I don’t feel I have the passion to keep working for it. I don’t know what I want to do with my life besides travelling the world and seeing everything. I don’t feel much to contributing to mankind. I’m selfish that way. I figure, there’s at least thousands of kids fighting to top, one person gallivanting away won’t make a difference. ‘One person can make a difference’, alright, fine, but statistically the odds are against it.
I know my flaws. I don’t do anything to change them. I don’t have the courage to kill myself, nor the effort to live my damn life. Useless. Why am I so useless.
I stay here, I play out my freaking drama, because I know this is the worst punishment I can dole myself. Having to live with it. Having to live with my family’s disappointment, my own disappointment, my fears, my sadness, my doubts, my thoughts, my endless thoughts. I deserve to suffer for my inabilities and live with my mistakes. Death is too easy. I mean, there’s no guarantee of heaven, hell or purgatory, so that leaves nonexistence. Simple. Peaceful. Too good for me.
But then I’m punishing the people around me. And the cycle starts over again. And again. And again.
I won’t be satisfied living my middle-class life for the rest of my life. My dreams have never been small. Take over the world. Open a new dimension in the space frontier. Find the cure for cancer. Become president. Be a mysterious and disgustingly rich benefactor to everyone. Find another world. They’re all impossible. At least for this era. I’ll never be satisfied with what I have, I’ll always want more. Disgusting, isn’t it? When you think a continent of people would be happy knowing there’s always a meal on the table, that they’ll have the opportunity to go to school, that they’re allowed to dream of bigger things instead of concentrating on the squalor and abuse of their lives?
For a supposedly highly intelligent person, I am dumb as a mule. I’m failing nearly everything because I don’t go to classes. I don’t go to classes because that involves being among crowds of people, and I can’t handle that. I can’t handle being in a room of people. That would make things difficult in the future since you can’t avoid people for the rest of your life. They’re just there.
I want it to stop. I want to stop. How can I stop being this miserable, self-pitying, loathsome thing that I’ve become? Does someone have an answer? I’d love to hear it. I need to hear something other than, ‘don’t think about it all, just concentrate on yourself’, I AM. ALL I THINK ABOUT IT IS MYSELF. HOW HORRIBLE I AM FOR OTHERS. IT’S NOT WORKING. CAN’T CONTROL THE WAY MY MIND GOES, I RUN OUT OF TOPICS. AND IT’S KIND OF HARD WITH ALL THE CONTRADICTORY ADVICE.
‘Don’t think about it.’
‘Remember all that we’re doing for you.’
WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO THEN. BECAUSE I HAVE NOÂ FRIGGING CLUE.
2 comments
I just read your story. I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know why I am commenting here. I only know that I want to help you, I want to talk to you, even though you are 5 years older. The age doesn’t matter. Something brought me and you here, we have this thing in common. I know how it feels, I’ve been through this too. I think you need to believe that there are hundreds of people like you, all over the world. Everyone has a different reason why they feel like that, but important is that they do feel like that. We are all the same, that’s what makes all of us UNITED. Even though we don’t even know each-other, I believe in you. You please don’t forget that you are not the only one, and keep hoping, because that’s all we can do. I really hope this helped you to feel better, even though I am not sure. This may sound weird, but I do love you!
Believe it or not you’re ‘doing’ your best so chill out! I could write the exact same post & what is amazing is the % of people that bash themselves all over the place cause of this that or the other. So you end up a vegetable?…I used to think the same & I realized it’s not possible. You will be in one state or another and the fear that your project into the future about that, you have no control over, so why invest your energy in a dismal untruth. You wouldn’t invest $ in stock you know will crash, so why do that with your mind? You’re highly articulate & expressive.
Accept the fact that most parents do not do a good job of unconditionally loving and appreciating their children so that they are a good reflection as to how to be in the world. So at 19 you need to take a whole lot of your power back & focus your mind on what works for you and what feels good. If it doesn’t feel good for me, I don’t focus on it..I don’t care who says it, or where it comes from. I’m the authority on me…and I would encourage you to do the same. Find out how to be..and choose to be gentle with yourself. Most of the predominant behaviour in society that is unhealthy is learned and practiced unconsciously….so the key is to consciously train yourself back into the person you were when you were 2-7…emotionally speaking…the joy you had, the fun you had…Growing up is actually growing into much of our lost youth. To the degree that you feel bad is to the degree that you could feel great when you choose to feel good. The choice is what matters, and when you practice it with conviction..your beliefs change and your mind operates in service of you. And every human being is deserving of this. All the best! Cheers! I do feel ya!