Are You There God? It’s me, Violet

WHY?

That’s the only question I have for you.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

I can’t keep doing this, I don’t understand. Why would you make humans capable of love? It’s a horrid, horrid emotion? I don’t understand what we did to deserve this kind of cruel and unusual punishment. You made us in your own image, right? What, did you just have so much love in your heart that you had to give each and every one of us a bit of it, so that we could feel the pain you’ve felt in having to give up so much for us? Well, I’ll tell you one thing, that’s selfish.

I don’t want your love anymore. Every night before I go to sleep I say a prayer to you and I end it with “I love you.” Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to say those words? I can’t fathom how many times I’ve said them and had my heart broken because of those stupid, stupid words.  This isn’t the worst of it though, you allowing my friend to take his own life, my cousin to finally get his angel wings, and another good friend to die of cancer. I’ve had much worse sorrow, some of it of my own. Because I want to believe that those I’ve loved are going to a better place even if I don’t believe it myself sometimes. I need to believe it for their sake, not mine.

But it’s not fair. You didn’t have to give me all this love inside of me, this big heart that loves too much and too deep. I can only give so many pieces of it away before there is nothing left. I can only have it broken and mended so many times before it shatters completely. I’ve lost so much, and I know that I don’t deserve to complain, there are so many others who have lost more in their lifetime than I have in just my eighteen years. But I have to wonder if it ever gets better, or easier, not to hurt. I guess your the only one that could tell me that, you lost a son once to, so how long does it take to get better?

I can carry burdens. I’ve been doing it for years so I’m used to it. But I can’t carry this guilt around, the guilt that means I’m going on with my life while everyone I love around me loses theirs to things outside of their control. A disease, an accident, a sickness. I feel so guilty all the time for leaving them, but I know they would want me to go on, to keep going and living because that’s what your supposed to do when your young. If only it were that simple for me…

So I only have one question for you: In all this pain, in all this grief and strife people go through on a daily basis, where are you?