Author

AfterL

Disappointed on Christmas

by AfterL 12/26/2012

written by AfterL

The whole reason why I was suicidal in the first place was because I felt like a disappointment/failure to myself and my family…

Today on Christmas I got my ACT score back and it was the same score I had before. My applications are due so I can’t take the test again. I tried my best to get a better score and not getting it really made me feel bad, but what made me feel like shit was when my parents were blatantly ashamed of my score as well. They basically wanted to keep it a secret.They were afraid of others finding out. The thing is […]

12/26/2012 2 comments

Back to square one?

by AfterL 9/16/2012

written by AfterL

I added 13 new cuts yesterday. I feel like doing more right now. I thought I was getting better, but I feel like I’ve digressed a lot since then. I haven’t thought seriously thought about dying yet. The cutting helped calm me. It felt good. Then I felt nothing. I want to feel good. I feel like I’m never going to change.

9/16/2012 0 comment

After a while

by AfterL 7/2/2012

written by AfterL

For the first time in a long time I feel content. I still sometimes think life is just suffering, but I feel better about it now. There is more hope now.Â Time heals I guess.Â I started to forget about my scars on my wrists. I hope I could become less angry too now.

My next goal is to be happy. 🙂

7/2/2012 2 comments

Angry

by AfterL 5/24/2012

written by AfterL

I have been getting angry over everything lately and that justÂ makes me madder. I screamed today to get it out but it didn’t really help. Ever since I got out of the hospital things just makes me madder. I haven’t gotten counseling yet because of money issues so I have no one to talk to. I can’t talk to the people around me because I have a good feeling they will take it the wrong way or won’t really understand. I really want a counselor. I need someone to vent to who won’t take it so personally and get hurt by it. Or upset. […]

5/24/2012 1 comment

I realized

by AfterL 5/8/2012

written by AfterL

I realized that it was me. Everything that’s gone wrong in my life; all the failures is because of me. My situation, circumstances, the people around me, and such had nothing to do with it. It was all me. I control my life. I did this to myself. I should be only angry with me. I am digging my own pit. It was all me. I should blame myself for not changing. For not caring. No one else is to blame.

Though I realize it now I think I knew about this all along.

Now I sound self-centered and really whiny….I’m sorry.

5/8/2012 2 comments

The little things

by AfterL 5/5/2012

written by AfterL

The funny thing about the little things in life for me is that those bad little things can make me really upset or angry and ruin my whole day but the good little things never make me happy. Why is it so much easier to get upset? Why is it hard to be happy? Why don’t I feel happy? Does anyone else feel this way too?
I don’t want to feel nothing but anger and frustration anymore…

5/5/2012 6 comments

After it all I still want to cut. I still feel less. I just don’t know

by AfterL 5/4/2012

written by AfterL

I’m not going to share my whole life story because I think the problems that I had or have are minor to what everyone else goes through. This fact actually makes me feel more depressed. I feel horrible for even thinking that I’m horrible and shouldn’t be alive. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m better than anyone. In fact I hate myself. A lot.

To begin my story this is how people see me: I am to most people an always cheerful person. But that is how I get by. I try not to care and live with a smile. It worked until a […]

5/4/2012 0 comment